October
2009
By Douglas Kent,
Email: doug of
whiningkentpigs.com or diplomacyworld
of yahoo.com
On the web at http://www.whiningkentpigs.com
– or go directly to the Diplomacy section at http://www.whiningkentpigs.com/DW/. Also be sure to visit the official Diplomacy
World website which can be found at http://www.diplomacyworld.net. Also remember to check out http://www.helpfulkitty.com
for official Toby the Helpful Kitty news, advice column, blog, and links to
all his available merchandise! Links to many of the books and DVDs reviewed can be found by
clicking on the Amazon Store button in the main menu of the Whining Kent Pigs
website. Or go to http://www.guysexplained.com
where women can learn all the secrets of how a man’s mind works, and why they
act the way they do.
All Eternal Sunshine readers are encouraged to join the free
Eternal Sunshine Yahoo group at http://games.groups.yahoo.com/group/eternal_sunshine_diplomacy/
to stay up-to-date on any subzine news or errata. We also have our own Eternal Sunshine Twitter
feed at http://www.twitter.com/EternalSunshDip
Quote Of The Month – “You
don't tell me things, Joel. I'm an open book. I tell you everything, every
damn, embarrassing thing.” (Clementine in “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless
Mind”)
Welcome to Eternal
Sunshine, the only Diplomacy zine that has an editor crazy enough to
run a game of Deviant Diplomacy II and offer a second game at the same
time. Actually I’m much crazier than
that, but it is the example I chose to use.
We crazy people can be a bit picky at times.
This has been a very long month, for reasons I can’t exactly
explain. It is my first month as an
officially free person, as my Supervised Release period of three years has
finally ended. But I don’t’ feel any
different really. Work has been a
constant list of projects, and Heather is bashing her head against the wall
both from her classes and from the struggles of getting the college to actually
SET UP and TEACH the classes eh has been enrolled in, and attending, for a
month or longer. One class she signed up
for was actually cancelled because zero people enrolled – despite the fact that
she and a few other people enrolled and paid for it far in advance. This was one of those self-paced courses, so
even if one person had “signed up” they would have offered it. But I guess they are all non-human or
something? The teachers certainly seem
to be, or at least one. Heather started
writing to the Dean of the department last week, so we’ll see if that produces
and results…and if it makes her even less popular with certain faculty members.
The debate rages over Obamacare, which does nothing but give me
tired-head. Since nobody even knows what
the bill is going to look like after reconciliation, all these claims of one
side or the other exaggerating (or outright lying) cannot be confirmed. The President can say whatever he wants, but
he doesn’t write the bills. I did find
it ironic that one weekend he said there would be no coverage for illegal
aliens, and then two days later at a conference he expressed support for the
idea of giving amnesty for those in the nation illegally. In effect, that’s not a contradiction, but it
is a typical back-door way of politicians on either side saying one thing and
meaning another. The truth is, all these
issues are so complex and have so many levels, anything you do will affect
other areas in ways never anticipated.
So my belief is slow steps are best.
But that’s not going to happen, because Congress and the Senate fear the
results of the 2010 election, so they want to cram a bill through as quickly as
possible. And any sane person knows that
once a government bureaucracy starts, it never ends. Does anyone remember the “victory tax”? It was a temporary tax to support the costs
of World War I. Something like ¼ of
1%...today it’s known as the Federal Income Tax. And the complaints of “petty bickering” are a
joke…the Democrats can pass this without a single Republican vote, they just
don’t WANT to. And
bi-partisanship? President Obama
has not had Republican leaders to the White House for discussions since early
April. In the end though, I always find
myself shrugging my shoulders and thinking “This is what the nation voted for,
so now they’ll get it.” That’s despite
the fact that there was no “mandate” election when Obama became President ( a term I despise anyway).
Ugh, my head hurts. Forget it.
I was very happy to see the Cowboys lose their home opener against
my New York Football Giants. Jerryworld
(or the Death Star as some around here call it) may be the most modern football
stadium in the universe, but I still loathe the Cowboys and Jerry Jones. Maybe the Football powers will smile on me
Monday night and allow the winless Carolina Panthers to come in and make Dallas
a delicious 0-2 at home? There’s always
a chance, since the Cowboys secondary seems TERRIBLE.
As for the poor Texas Rangers, in a few days their season will be
over. Of course there is always that
sliver of hope…they’ve won their last two, Boston and the LA Angels have lost a
few, and I think we have 3 games left head-to-head with the Angels. 5 games back, maybe 8 games to go? Terrible odds, and
I’m not paying much attention. But…you
never know. That would be sooooo sweet
to finish string, even if it just meant the last game or two of the season
meant something. It has been a long long
time since that happened. The Tom Hicks
financial situation isn’t helping things though; the sooner we get this team
sold the better. As things stand, I
don’t think we’ll be able to make a single decent free agent signing during the
off-season. Oh well, the Rangers
continue to be the most desolate franchise in the universe…and I’ll keep
rooting for them anyway. Some of these
young players are really exciting to watch.
Neftali Feliz is like a monster on the mound!
Okay, let’s finish with zine news.
I’ve offered a new game of Deviant Dip II if anybody is crazy enough to
sign up for it. The “Cronin Special”
White Press Diplomacy game has only one spot left. Come
ON folks, grab the spot so we can get that game started! And a new round of By Popular Demand begins
this issue, so if you’ve been kind of holding back because you felt it was too
late to get involved, now is your change to start on a level playing
field…remember, the winner DOES get a prize!
As of this moment (Sunday afternoon) I am not sure if there will
be a new prison or personal essay. I’ve
started work on one (which is not a continuation of the Halfway House theme)
but whether I find the motivation to finish it in time (or to reach a natural
stopping point) remains to be seen. But
do not despair, as there’ splenty of other reading material. For example, part 3 of “I’m No Edward Norton”
is here, as well as columns from Andy York, Jack McHugh and Paul Milewski. And, lo and behold, a
newcomer (or old-comer, take your choice) in the shape of the legendary UK
Dipper Craig Nye. Be sure to let
me know what you think, and I’ll pass all your feedback on to him directly
(since I’m not sure if he wants his email public or not).
Don’t forget that both my birthday and our anniversary come up in
October. However, Eternal Sunshine #34
should actually be out before either of those.
That’s it for this month. See you
in late October! Happy Halloween!
Playlist
– The Who – Tommy; Billy Joel - Songs in the Attic; The Sundays – Blind; Nancy
Wilson – Live at McCabes Guitar Shop; Shawn Colvin – A Few Small Repairs;
Wilson Phillips – Shadows and Light.
Just a reminder…the
events are basically all a true account of how Heather and I met, and our first
date. I wrote the play longhand from
prison for the anniversary of our first date.
Some names have been changed for reasons I forget at the time I typed it
in (even Heather’s daughter’s name), but otherwise this is very close to how it
went.
I’m
No Edward Norton
(An
Anniversary Gift to Heather Taylor)
By
Douglas Kent, © 2009
Part Three
ACT THREE
INT. DOUG'S
APARTMENT. A COMPUTER SITS ON TOP OF A SMALL DESK, WITH
A CHAIR NEARBY. FURTHER AWAY IS A
COUNTER WITH COFFEE MAKER AND MICROWAVE OR REFRIGERATOR. DOUG'S APARTMENT IS ON
THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE STAGE FROM WHERE HEATHER'S WAS.
DOUG sits at the computer, sipping
coffee, wearing just a t-shirt and boxer shorts.
DOUG
This is pathetic! Ten in the morning on a Saturday, and all I
have to do is stare at my computer screen, waiting for someone to chat
with. I've got one...two...three...four
different chat programs running at once, and there
isn't a single person in the entire universe who wants to talk to me!
(sighs)
Maybe I should take a shower. I could always drive to the mall, buy a cup
of coffee, and watch all the normal people walk around.
DOUG's attention is suddenly
attracted by the computer screen.
DOUG (CONT'D)
Hello, what's this? Somebody from the personal ad site actually wants
to talk to me! She's paging me to join
her in chat. Briget Jones? I think that's the one with no photo who I
responded to.
DOUG (CONT'D)
(speaking
as he types into the computer for the rest of this conversation)
Hello, how are you?
The lights now come up on the far end
of the stage showing HEATHER at a small cubicle-style desk, a computer in front
of her. She is in the computer lab at
school.
HEATHER
(speaking
aloud as she types into the computer, the same as Doug)
Fine. This is Briget Jones.
DOUG
Hi!
I remember your ad. I guess you
got the response I posted last weekend.
HEATHER
Yes I did. My computer at home isn't working right now,
so I'm at the computer lab at school checking my email. I saw you were on-line and I figured why not
take a chance and page you?
DOUG
I'm glad you did. You just caught me, I was thinking about
logging off the computer. Did you get a
chance to read my profile?
HEATHER
Yes, I looked it over. Your picture was really cute. I also read the email you sent me. You said you were intrigued by my
profile. What exactly intrigued you?
DOUG
I think it was the answer you gave to
"My Most Humbling Moment." You
said yours was when you realized your ex-husband was a better parent than
you. I figured that kind of honest answer
deserved a reply of some sort.
HEATHER
So that's all it takes to get you to
respond to a personal ad?
DOUG
Well, that and the fact that you
listed your vibrator as one of the five things I'd find in your bedroom.
HEATHER
(laughs)
Anything else?
DOUG
Not specifically. It just felt like an ad I needed to respond
to for some reason. Oh, and comparing
yourself to Nicole Kidman didn't hurt.
HEATHER
I said a chunky Nicole Kidman.
DOUG
I know, that's even better, I prefer
a more voluptuous woman. And your on-line
name was another plus in your favor.
HEATHER
Briget Jones? Why, because you admire her strong,
independent nature?
DOUG
Mum, well, I do admire those traits
in her. But to be perfectly honest I was
thinking more about the site of Renee Zellweger in a bunny outfit with sexy
fishnet stocking. Any
other questions?
HEATHER
What would be an ideal date to you?
DOUG
Hmm, I guess I'd take you to a black
tie affair of some sort. We'd crash the
party of course, making it both elegant and economical. Then we could stuff our pockets with caviar
and filet mignon, fill up empty water bottles with champagne, and adjourn to a
private party in the car.
HEATHER
Sounds like a good time.
DOUG
Well that's me, Mister High Society.
HEATHER
I'd love to chat some more, but I
need to get off the computer now. You
know, I never do this, but I really enjoyed our conversation. So I dare you to call me. My number is 972-555-3076. I hope you call. Bye!
The area where Heather sits darkens,
and she leaves the stage. Doug stops
typing, gets up, and starts to pace.
DOUG
Oh great. What am I supposed to do now? I must have sounded like a total creep. And still somehow I fooled her into giving me
her phone number! "I dare you to
call me"? Does she mean call her
now? I thought you were supposed to wait
two days, isn't that the accepted social practice? I'm going to end up just like that loser in
"Swingers." She'll probably
file a restraining order on me, or at the very least change to an unlisted
number. She didn't say if that was her
home number or her cell number. She said
she wasn't home, maybe I should wait a while.
Hell, I still don't even know her real name! I should forget the whole thing. But...after all, she did dare me. Doesn't that give me some wiggle room from
whatever the rules are supposed to be?
Why did I have to be born without the gene that tells people these
things?
DOUG refills his coffee, takes a long
drink, and returns to pacing.
DOUG (CONT'D)
Okay, that's it, I am going to
call. For once in my life I'm going to
do the brave thing instead of chickening out.
If she doesn't answer I can always leave a message. Or hang up like a freak.
DOUG walks back to the computer and,
looking at the screen, writes down the number on a scrap of paper.
DOUG (CONT'D)
Nine seven two, five
five five, three zero seven six. Got it.
DOUG walks to the phone and picks it
up.
DOUG (CONT'D)
Okay this is it.
(He takes a deep
breath)
You can do this.
Looking at the scrap of paper, DOUG
starts to dial the phone. He hangs up
once, shaking his head, after dialing a couple of numbers as he makes an error
on the third digit. Starting again, he
dials successfully.
As Heather's phone starts to ring,
the lights brighten on the half of the stage containing her apartment. Nobody is there.
DOUG (CONT'D)
Don't be home, don't be home, don't be home.
After five rings, Heather's answering
machine picks up.
HEATHER (O.S.)
Hi, it's me. Leave me a message and I'll call you
back. Okay, thanks. Au revoir!
The machine beeps.
DOUG
(into
phone)
Hello, this is Doug, calling in
response to your dare. I hope you
realize how dangerous that was, giving your number to
a complete stranger you met on the Internet.
I could be some kind of stalker, or a serial killer! Fortunately for you, I've been taking my
medication, seeing my therapist, and reporting regularly to my parole
officer. So at the moment I think you
are safe. Anyway, sorry I missed you. Give me a call back when you have time. The number is 214-555-8342. Bye!
DOUG hangs up the phone, stands
motionless for a moment, and starts to pace again.
DOUG (CONT'D)
Give me a break, I sounded like a
complete idiot. Medication? Parole office? Where did I get my sense of humor, the
clearance aisle at K-Mart? There should
be a way to delete an answering machine message within five minutes after you
leave it. There should be a law, some
kind of jackass escape clause. I sounded
like some nervous teenager. She's a
sophisticated woman, and I'm this schmuck she probably already regrets giving
her phone number to! I'm sure she'll
change it by tomorrow. Damn, one chance
to make an impression and I blew it.
Heck. I'm going to take a
shower...and then get drunk. Nothing
wrong with a few dozen drinks before noon.
DOUG exits the stage by his
side. A few moments later, Heather
enters by the opposite side. She drops
her keys, purse, and backpack on the sofa and races over to her answering
machine.
HEATHER
One new message! I bet he called! Okay, Heather, calm down, get a cup of
coffee, listen to the message. It's nothing to get excited about.
HEATHER makes some coffee quickly,
and pours herself a cup. While she makes
it, she plays the message. She smiles
and laughs quietly as she listens to it.
DOUG (O.S.)
Hello, this is Doug, calling in
response to your dare. I hope you
realize how dangerous that was, giving your number to
a complete stranger you met on the Internet.
I could be some kind of stalker, or a serial killer! Fortunately for you, I've been taking my
medication, seeing my therapist, and reporting regularly to my parole
officer. So at the moment I think you
are safe. Anyway, sorry I missed
you. Give me a call back when you have
time. The number is 214-555-8342. Bye!
As the messages finished HEATHER
writes the phone number down on a pad.
HEATHER
Okay, what do I do now? He sounds cute, even cuter than his
picture. He couldn't have called more
than ten or fifteen minutes ago. I should
call him back right away so I don't get an answering machine. I hate leaving messages! Okay, deep breath, you can do this.
HEATHER picks up the phone and
dials. DOUG's phone rings on stage left.
HEATHER (CONT'D)
Come on, be home, be home, be home.
DOUG's answering machine picks up on
the fifth ring.
DOUG
(on
answering machine)
Hi, I'm not home right now, or else I
don't feel like answering.
HEATHER
Shit!
DOUG
(on
answering machine)
Leave a message and I'll call you
back later.
The answering machine beeps. HEATHER paces as she talks.
HEATHER
Hello, this is Heather, a.k.a.
Bridget Jones, and thank you for reminding me of all of et
trouble I can get in for giving you my phone number. Thanks a lot
"Mom", I'm glad you're looking out for me. And I'm happy to hear that you've been taking
your medication, that's good. So,
umm...I don't know what else to say, I'm pacing around my living room. So. I'm glad you called, and call me back if you
want. Or if you've got other things to
do, that's cool too. So. I hope to talk to you soon. Okay, bye.
HEATHER hangs up her phone.
HEATHER (CONT'D)
Oh my God, what a dork I am. "I'm pacing around my living
room"? What am I, twelve years
old? "If you've got other things to
do, that's cool too"? I may as well
have "desperate" tattooed on my forehead. Way to go Heather, he will never return that
phone call!
DOUG returns to his room, a towel
wrapped around his waist. He walks up to
his answering machine.
DOUG
A message already? It's probably the police calling to tell me a
restraining order has been filed against me.
DOUG plays the message (it plays
aloud).
DOUG (CONT'D)
Wow, she sounds so cute, and half as
nervous as I am! At least that's a
little reassuring. Heather - that's
about the most beautiful name in the world.
Why would she call me back to quickly?
She must have gotten my profile confused with Brad Pitt's or something.
DOUG starts to pace again.
DOUG (CONT'D)
Crap, now how long am I supposed to
wait before I call her back? She didn't
say! Maybe there's a web site that
explains all of these relationship rules.
I hate this! Okay, I'll get dressed, grab a cup of coffee, and call Heather back. I'm sure I'll end up sounding like some
desperate loser though.
HEATHER begins to pace too.
HEATHER
This is horrible. I hate leaving messages. Why couldn't he have been home? I should have just hung up and called back
later. But if he has Caller ID he would
have seen that I called. What am I
supposed to do? There has got to be a
way to let him know I am not as stupid as the message I left. It's been ten minutes already, why hasn't he
called? You know why Heather, because he
heard your message and found out what an idiot you are! That's not fair, he
didn't even give me a chance. Okay,
there's only one thing to do. I'll just
have to call him back and leave a better message. I'm going to sound like such a desperate
loser though.
DOUG walks toward his door, as
HEATHER picks up her phone and dials.
DOUG's phone rings, and he turns and goes back to answer it.
DOUG
Hello?
HEATHER
Hello, is this Doug?
DOUG
Yes, and this is Heather, isn't it?
HEATHER
(Laughs)
Yes it is.
DOUG
Wow, you don't give a guy much of a
chance to return your call, do you? I
just listened to your message a few minutes ago.
HEATHER
Well, I was just really hoping to
talk to you, and I figured there was no way I could sit around and wait for you
to call again after that stupid message I left.
DOUG
Why?
I thought it was totally cute!
I'm glad you called though, it saves me from
pulling my hair out trying to figure out how long a normal person waits before
returning a call.
HEATHER
A normal person? So you're not normal?
DOUG
Not likely. I'm about as abnormal as a person can
get. Oh, not in a dangerous way though.
HEATHER
Hmmm, sounds mysterious.
DOUG
Hardly. I'm not very mysterious. I'm just confused. And insecure.
HEATHER
Insecure?
DOUG
Oh yeah. I'm about as insecure as they come. Insecure and clueless.
HEATHER
Can you give me an example?
DOUG
Okay.
You have a beautiful voice by the way.
HEATHER
Thank you.
DOUG
Where was I?
HEATHER
Insecure and
clueless.
DOUG
Right, okay, let's see. How about when my last
girlfriend decided to seduce me.
HEATHER
Sounds steamy.
DOUG
I guess it would have been to a
normal person. She was a girl from work,
much younger than me.
HEATHER
How old are you by the way?
DOUG
Thirty-four. You?
HEATHER
Thirty-one. And how old was this youthful seductress?
DOUG
She was twenty-one at the time.
HEATHER
Shame on you, cradle robber!
DOUG
Hey, I didn't rob anything. I was the victim here! More like she was a coffin robber.
HEATHER
You're not dead at thirty-four.
DOUG
You don't know me well enough to make
that judgment. Actually, I was only
thirty then. But I'm getting
off-topic. Angie and I had been out for
drinks a number of times. Just Happy Hour stuff, as friends. Sometimes with other
people, sometimes alone. But I
had no idea she was interested in me sexually.
HEATHER
But you were interested in her?
DOUG
You would have to know me better to
understand this, but it had been so long since I had even considered a woman
showing interest in me that I no longer bothered thinking of women I knew in a
sexual way. I guess I had become sort of
non-sexual.
HEATHER
You mean a sexual hermit?
DOUG
Maybe just in sexual hibernation, I
guess.
HEATHER
For the winter?
DOUG
For three and a half years.
HEATHER
You couldn't find a woman for three
and a half years?
DOUG
No, I didn't say that. I said no sex for three and a half
years. I was married at the time.
HEATHER
Wow, the longest I've ever gone is
six or seven months and I thought I'd dry out and shrivel up like an old piece
of fruit. So were you and your wife
separated or something?
DOUG
No, she had simply lost all interest
in sex. She had a lot of mental and
physical problems. It's a long story.
HEATHER
So is this one, if it even has an
end!
DOUG
Okay, okay. So one weekend Angie invites me over to her
friend's apartment, which she was watching for the weekend. I was supposed to bring Chinese food and a
few bottles of Boone Hill Sangria.
HEATHER
Oooh, the kind with
a screw top? Classy.
DOUG
Yup, two-ninety-nine
a bottle.
HEATHER
So she invites you to an apartment, asks you to bring alcohol, and you don't realize she's
putting the moves on you?
DOUG
Nope, but it gets worse. I show up, we eat, and I drink too much. Then Angie starts talking about back
scratches and asks if I'm any good at them.
HEATHER
Oh please.
DOUG
I know, I'm an
idiot. So I start to scratch her back, but she
suggests that if she took her shirt off I'd have an easier time of it. Off comes her top, but I still had no clue.
HEATHER
You're kidding me.
DOUG
I'm deathly serious. Next Angie complains about the couch being
too uncomfortable, and has us move into the bedroom. Still, I am convinced it is all innocent.
HEATHER
When did you finally figure out what
was going on, when she put your dick in her mouth?
DOUG
Not quite, but I'll fast
forward. She's lying under the covers,
facing me, wearing nothing but a pair of silky panties, silent, and batting her
eyelashes in front of seductive bedroom eyes.
It was at that moment when I suddenly thought to myself "Gee, there
might be something going on here."
HEATHER
You romantic
Casanova, you.
DOUG
Okay, enough about my failed love
life. Tell me something about you. Something embarrassing,
preferably.
HEATHER
Embarrassing? Okay, I have a huge butt, how's that?
DOUG
It depends, how huge is huge? Do you mean huge as in pleasantly large, or
as in Saturday Night Live can't-fit-through-a-revolving-door massive huge?
HEATHER
Onion butt.
DOUG
Onion butt? What's that?
HEATHER
That's what this black guy I used to
work with at Kroger told me, that I have onion butt.
DOUG
Which means what?
HEATHER
Which means it's
white, round, and so fine it makes you cry.
DOUG
(laughs)
I don't think I would have much of a
problem with that.
HEATHER
Okay, well I can be a real bitch
sometimes, and bossy. I'm a high
maintenance drama queen who likes to be boss.
That's me.
DOUG
Mmm, keep going. You're turning me on!
HEATHER
What?
DOUG
A bitch can be a good thing. I like a woman who takes charge.
HEATHER
And who wears black boots, according
to your profile.
DOUG
Yes, a bitchy woman in black
boots. Sounds great to
me.
HEATHER
That's your ideal woman? What about looks?
DOUG
People don't usually like my answer
to that question.
HEATHER
Why not?
DOUG
Because I don't know
how to describe what I like. I
just know it when I see it. When I see
the look, I recognize it.
HEATHER
The look?
DOUG
Right, the Look. I think I see women different than most
guys. Howard Stern has women on his show
all the time that he drools all over, like Sting's wife. But when I see them in photos or on TV, I
think they're ugly. Some of them are
actually the Anti-Look.
HEATHER
The Anti-Look? You mean the opposite of The Look?
DOUG
Exactly. I always look at the face first. The eyes, the nose, the
mouth. A
woman's hair. Then
her shape. I like a more
voluptuous woman with a little meat on her, not an anorexic. And how she dresses is important. I don't mean the price tags on her
clothes. I just mean she needs to dress
with a style that matches her personality.
HEATHER
As long as she wears black boots?
DOUG
Yes, but what bitchy woman doesn't?
HEATHER
Well what famous women have the
"look?"
DOUG
It's hard to say. None of the usual names. Not fashion models, that's for sure. And not most of the big
stars, although Nicole Kidman is sexy.
HEATHER
That doesn't count, I already
mentioned her. Cheater.
DOUG
Okay, here's an example. Did you see "The Truth About Cats and Dogs"?
HEATHER
Yes.
So Uma Thurman has the "look?"
DOUG
No!
She has the "Anti-Look!"
She was a hideous, anorexic hag in that film. Why would any sane man choose her over
Janeane Garafolo? Janeane was smarter,
funnier, more interesting, and so much better looking!
HEATHER
I can't believe someone else saw that
the same way I did. I thought every man
found Uma Thurman sexy.
DOUG
Not me. Ewww. But then again, I'm not really a normal
man. It's just like when Titanic came
out.
HEATHER
I loved Titanic. It was so romantic. I'm a sucker for tragic romances.
DOUG
Me too. I cry every time I Watch
one.
HEATHER
You cry at movies?
DOUG
All the time. Some movies make me bawl like a baby. Why, is that a deal-breaker or something?
HEATHER
Not at all; I like a man who can show
his feelings.
DOUG
I'm not afraid to cry. I cry every time I look in the mirror.
HEATHER
Oh stop. Your pictures were cute.
DOUG
I'm the Elephant Man. But anyway, I was talking about Titanic. What was the deal with Hollywood saying that
fox Kate Winslet was fat? I couldn't
figure it out.
HEATHER
Oh wow, I couldn't either. She was so beautiful, but because she doesn't
wear a size zero she is considered overweight.
DOUG
You shouldn't be considered fat just
because your arms don't snap off in a strong wind.
HEATHER
So she had "The Look" in
Titanic?
DOUG
Pretty close, yes. At least she was beautiful, even if it wasn't
completely "The Look."
HEATHER
You set high standards for women.
DOUG
Hardly! I just know what I like when I see it. Besides, you can't really tell if someone has
"The Look" until you've talked to them. It's a package deal.
HEATHER
So as long as I am as beautiful as
Nicole Kidman or Kate Winslet I'm in, is that it?
DOUG
Don't make it sound so cold. I'm just pointing out that I don't follow
society's rules when it comes to judging what is beautiful. Besides, so far I'd say you are well on the
way to winning me over. I can't remember
the last time I've enjoyed a conversation more.
HEATHER
Thank you.
DOUG
Trust me, if anybody needs to worry
about being rejected it's me! So don't
take this as a rejection, but I need to refill my coffee cup. Can I put the phone down for a minute?
HEATHER
You're a big coffee drinker?
DOUG
At least a pot every
day. Is that a good thing? Or bad?
HEATHER
I guess it's a good thing, because I
could use a refill myself.
DOUG
Okay then, let's put the phone down
for a minute. Do you promise to come
back?
HEATHER
Yes, silly, I promise.
DOUG
Good.
I'll be right back.
DOUG and HEATHER put their respective
phones down and walk to their coffee makers, refilling their cups. Doug is back in less than 60 seconds, while
Heather takes a bit longer. Doug is left
listening to the silence until Heather returns.
HEATHER
Hello?
DOUG
I thought maybe you had changed your
mind and weren't coming back.
HEATHER
Sorry, was I gone that long?
DOUG
It seemed like an hour. Or maybe two.
HEATHER
Oh stop it!
DOUG
Alright now, everybody calm
down. Heather. That's a beautiful name. Tell me something about yourself that hardly
anybody knows.
HEATHER
Let me think. Okay, I'm not sure if this is going to make
any sense, but sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and find my right
arm stuck up in the air, with my left hand lighting running up and down,
tickling it. It might feral some people
out.
DOUG
(silence)
I can't believe you just told me
that.
HEATHER
Why, is it too weird? A deal-breaker?
DOUG
Well you may not believe this
Heather, but I do the exact same thing, only it's my left arm I stick up in the
air. My ex-wife used to complain about
it.
HEATHER
That is too eerie! I didn't think anybody else did that.
DOUG
We must be meant for each other. Wither that, or we're matter and anti-matter,
and when we meet the world will explode.
HEATHER
Well then?
DOUG
Well then what?
HEATHER
Are you going to make me be the one
to ask?
DOUG
To ask what? Remember you are dealing with someone who
never knows what's going on.
HEATHER
(Pause)
Would you like to go out to dinner
tomorrow night? With
me?
DOUG
(Pause)
I can't. I'd love to, but I have plans.
HEATHER
Plans?
DOUG
I'm going to a Joe Jackson concert in
Deep Ellum. I've been waiting almost ten
years for him to come to Dallas. I'd
love it if you wanted to go with me, if you're a fan of his. But it will be hard to have any conversation
with the music playing.
HEATHER
I don't even think I know who he is.
DOUG
Well don't sound so rejected.
(Pause)
Heather, would you like to have
dinner with me Monday night?
HEATHER
Yes, I'd love to. Thank you.
DOUG
Don't thank me yet, you might be
sorry that you've agreed. Who knows what
kind of person I am? I might chew with
my mouth open, or exude a horrendous and foul odor.
HEATHER
Hmm, you're right. Maybe I should get to know you better first.
DOUG
As long as you know me well enough by
the end of this phone call. You'll break
my heart if you change your mind now.
HEATHER
Hmm. Tell me some more of your favorite movies.
DOUG
Okay.
Defending Your Life with Albert Brooks, probably one of the best movies
ever made. A whole pile of John Hughes
movies: The Breakfast Club, She's Having a Baby, Plains Trans and Automobiles.
HEATHER
I loved those. I don't think I've seen that last one though.
DOUG
With John Candy and
Steve Martin? It kills me.
Of course that was back when John Hughes was still funny. I'll make sure you see it someday.
HEATHER
It's a date.
DOUG
I could go on forever. Drop Dead Gorgeous. Ghost World. American Beauty. The Usual Suspects. A Few Good Men. Oh, does it bother you when someone quotes TV
shows or movies?
HEATHER
I don't think so. Should it?
DOUG
It annoys some people. A lot of my cultural references seem to come
out of movies. Or Seinfeld or The Simpsons.
HEATHER
So refined! Welcome to the MTV generation.
DOUG
I know, it's awful. But my brain just soaks up that stuff. I could probably recite most of those movies
line for line, along with a lot of Simpsons and Seinfeld episodes. If only I could harness that brain power for
good instead of evil.
HEATHER
You could be a super hero.
DOUG
Yeah, Worthless Trivia Man. Is there a job for that?
HEATHER
You could go on a game show and win a
million dollars.
DOUG
I tried out for Who Wants to Be a
Millionaire. I passed all their tests
but I think they had already met their "geeky white guy in glasses"
quota.
HEATHER
Too bad that "insecure
freak" isn't a recognized minority class.
DOUG
I'll organize a march on Washington
D.C. posthaste.
HEATHER
Any other movies you want to list
before I make my final decision on this date?
The clock is ticking.
DOUG
Hmmm. Dark City. I'm not sure if you know that movie.
HEATHER
Are you kidding? I loved it.
DOUG
Okay, Fight Club is another movie I
don't get tired of.
HEATHER
I loved that too. He was so sexy in that movie.
DOUG
I know, I know, every woman goes wild
over him. How am I supposed to compete
with Brad Pitt?
HEATHER
No you dope, not Brad Pitt. Edward Norton.
DOUG
Edward Norton? You think Edward Norton is sexy?
HEATHER
Yes!
He's got "The Look"!
(laughs)
Is that better? Do you feel less threatened now?
DOUG
I've got some bad news for you
Heather.
HEATHER
What's that, Douglas?
DOUG
(pause)
I'm no Edward Norton.
HEATHER
Oh stop it!
DOUG
More like Norton from the
Honeymooners.
HEATHER
Ugh.
You don't like to watch shows like that do you? Or I Love Lucy? Andy Griffith?
DOUG
That's not on the top of my "to
do" list, no. I think I had my fill
of those shows by the time I was twelve.
Why?
HEATHER
My ex-husband watched them
constantly. And made
me watch them too.
DOUG
Made you watch them? You don't have to worry about that with
me. Just wear your black boots. You're the boss.
HEATHER
(laughs)
I think I like that idea.
DOUG
So do I.
Doug glances at his watch.
DOUG (CONT'D)
Wow, look at how long we've been
talking!
Heather looks at her watch.
HEATHER
I hope I didn't keep you from
anything important.
Doug looks down at the towel he's
wearing and shakes his head.
DOUG
Well, I did have a plan for today,
but it's shot now.
HEATHER
What was the plan?
DOUG
I was going to the Frisco mall.
HEATHER
I'm sorry,
you had a lot of shopping to do?
DOUG
No.
I was going to sit in Starbucks and watch people walk around.
HEATHER
Seriously? For how long?
DOUG
All afternoon. I didn't have anything else to do today. I did want to buy a little notebook while I
was there, so I could write down any ideas or observations I came up with.
HEATHER
You're also a writer then?
DOUG
Not really. I'm more like a person who talks about
writing but never gets anything on paper.
Someday, though.
HEATHER
Well what are you waiting for?
DOUG
What do you mean? I have no time to write. Sunday I go to a concert, and Monday I go to
dinner with you. My life it booked
solid!
HEATHER
If I haven't changed my mind about
dinner, you mean.
DOUG
Well have you?
HEATHER
(pause)
Of course not. Where do you want to meet?
DOUG
I live in Arlington right now, are
you in Dallas?
HEATHER
Yes, right next to the Garland
border.
DOUG
Let's meet somewhere close to you, so
you'll be able to make a quick getaway if you need to.
HEATHER
You're being silly, but, okay. There's an El Chico's on Saturn near
635. Can you find that okay?
DOUG
It shouldn't be a problem. I look it up on the internet and print out
directions just in case. Is 7 o'clock
too early?
HEATHER
No, that should be fine. How will you recognize me?
DOUG
I won't, but you'll recognize me
since you saw my photo. That way if you
have second thoughts you can turn and run without me following you.
HEATHER
Stop it!
DOUG
Are you sure seven isn't too early?
HEATHER
It's fine, I
live right down the street.
DOUG
Whoa, hold on there! If you live so close, I need to lay some
ground rules. No sex on the first
date. I'm not that easy!
HEATHER
(laughs)
No sex?
DOUG
Exactly! I'm not some cheap tramp, you know. I need to be sure that you respect me as a
person first, not just as a piece of meat.
HEATHER
Okay, okay, you win. No sex.
This time.
DOUG
You better believe it!
(pause)
Well Heather, I can promise you that
I will be thinking about you constantly until Monday night.
HEATHER
I will too.
DOUG
You'll be thinking about
yourself? How vain.
HEATHER
No, goofy. I'll be thinking about you!
DOUG
Oh, that's better then. And one thing you can count on.
HEATHER
What's that?
DOUG
I don't promise things unless I mean
them.
HEATHER
Good.
DOUG
Well, I guess this is good night
then. I hate to go, but after all this
coffee I bet you need a break as much as I do.
HEATHER
So I'll see you Monday night then?
DOUG
Yes you will. Count on it.
HEATHER
Do you promise?
DOUG
Yes, Heather. I promise.
HEATHER
Okay.
Good night Douglas.
DOUG
Good night Heather.
Both Doug and Heather hang up their
phones.
DOUG (CONT'D)
(long
pause)
Damn.
That was better than sex!
The stage lights fade to black.
Last
month, we gave you these two hypotheticals: #1 -
You don’t have enough money to finish college, and don’t want to stop. Your uncle, who made his fortune gouging low
income tenants, offers to fund you. Do
you take his money? #2 - You attend a
wedding distinguished by poor food, boring speeches, and bad music. Later, the bride asks if you enjoyed
yourself. Do you tell the truth?
Melinda Holley - #1 - If I have a problem with my uncle's business practices,
no I don't take the money. There are grants, scholarships, and even student loans. If necessary, attend classes as
you have money for them. There are ways to continue schooling if you want
to do so.
#2 - Why ruin her day? I'd
simply laugh and tell her that I love weddings and more importantly, is SHE
having a good time?
Don Del Grande - #1. Yes, I would - if my conscience bothered me that
much, I would try to find a way to make it up to people like the ones my uncle
took advantage of. (In a way, this actually happened to me - I got a
sizable scholarship from a company that makes liquor.)
#2. Yes. I wouldn't be particularly
aggressive about it, but I would tell her how I really felt about it.
Robin ap Cynan - Hypothetical #1:Yes.
Finishing college will put me in a better position to use my skills and
knowledge to "do good" ethically to redress
Uncle's "bad" deeds.
Hypothetical #2: First, I'd want
to find out whether the bride had had a wonderful day, and if she had,
then no, I would not tell her the truth, since I would not want to colour or
distort her memory of her special day. However, If
she didn't enjoy it, then I'll share her disappointment and confirm just how
awful it was.
Andy York - #1 - No. There are many ways to fund schooling, I'd use one of those routes.
#2 -
I'd turn the question back, pointing out that it was more important that she
enjoyed herself and had a memorable time than myself. And, I'd point out
anything positive "wasn't it special when...".
Heather – #1 – It would all depend on what I was
doing with my college education. If I
was following courses to eventually get a job like Nurse or Social Worker,
where I’d be able to give back and maybe help more people than he’d screwed
over, then yes. Otherwise no, because it
woulnd’t make sense from a karma perspective.
#2 – Hell, no! That’s her big day. I tell her I enjoyed it. But that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t make fun of
her wedding later with friends, behind her back.
For Next Month (For the time being, I am selecting questions
from the game “A Question of Scruples” which was published in 1984 by High
Games Enterprises). Remember you can make
your answers as detailed as you wish.:
#1 – As a magazine publisher, you buy ALL rights to a story for
$500. Unexpectedly the story inspires a
movie and nets you $500,000. So you
share any of your windfall with the author?
#2 – During lunch, a valued client makes some offensive racist
remarks. Do you make an issue of it?
Inglorious Basterds –
Although
I love many Tarantino movies, I can’t say he is one of my favorite
directors. Reservoir Dogs is a favorite,
but Kill Bill and other recent films left me cold. Still, I was intrigued by the idea of QT
giving his take on World War II. Brad
Pitt can be great or can mail a role in, and I wasn’t sure what to expect…was
this going to be a bloody shoot-em-up action film or something where the
dialogue drives the plot? I’d sort of
decided to skip Inglorious Bastedrs and wait for the DVD, until someone who I
share a good deal of film taste with told me I *HAD* to see it. Since was the same fellow who made sure I
didn’t miss Whatever Works, I felt obliged to take his advice. A bit of arm twisting was all I needed to
convince Heather to give it a try.
Don’t
let the trailers fool you. The opening
scene lets you know that this is not going to be a QT take on The Dirty
Dozen. Sure, you have Brad Pitt and his
gang of Jewish GI’s, who have been dropped behind enemy lines in France and are
terrorizing the Nazi’s. But that is only
a secondary part of the film. As
usually, Tarantino has multiple storylines, which he toes together later. As the film opens, you have 20 minutes of
dialogue between a Nazi Colonel (Christoph Waltz) and a farmer who he suspects
of hiding Jews. The tension is heavy,
but also lies underneath the innocuous conversation. You keep waiting for the bullets to fly, or
the body to drop, but brilliantly each moment where a lesser film might do this
comes and goes. The man lights his
pipe. The Colonel drinks some milk. It is, in a way, similar to the Hitchcock
theory on the bomb in the drawer. But in
this case, there is no bomb that we can see…we just suspect one.
From
here we meet Brad Pitt, who plays Lt. Aldo Rain. A combination of a hillbilly, an Apache, and
a few drops of a satire on Lee Marvin, Rain and his crew travel to France to
kill (and literally scalp) Nazis. They
gain quite a reputation and attain legendary status among the common Nazi
soldier. Hitler is beyond himself at his
army’s inability to track them down and kill them. Admittedly, from this point forward, we’ve
entered an alternate history of the war, but it doesn’t matter. You’re having too much fun to care, and
Tarantino is able to bring you into this world without a struggle.
Two
more storylines are developed and brought together: a Jewish woman named
Shosanna (Melanie Laurent) who escaped from the Nazi Colonel (known as the “Jew
Hunter”) and now runs a cinema, and a British Intelligence plot to assassinate
a number of high-ranking Nazis.
Eventually everything comes to a combined volcanic eruption, as you’d
expect in a QT film, but again he manages to do this with plot twists that play
against the obvious and expected. Thus
the magic of his touch is his ability to lead you towards the cliché of World
War II films, and then deftly reveal that the pea is not under the cup that you
expected it to be.
As
always there are some showdowns, some shoot-outs, and a pile of delicious
dialogue. I worry that many moviegoers
will skip Inglorious Basterds because of the trailers and the generally poor
promotion the studio provided.
Fortunately for me, I didn’t miss it, and I hope you don’t either!
Seen on DVD – When a Stranger Calls (C, doesn’t
really hold up, except for the first scene). The
Treasure of the Sierra Madre (B+, finally Heather knows where “We don’t
need to steekin badges!” comes from). Dogtown – New Beginnings (A-, in
particular the episode on the attempts to rehabilitate the Michael Vick dogs is
a very moving piece of work). Dexter Season 3 (B+, started slow and
ended a bit rished, but it got much better during the middle stages).
Tom
Swider: I list Eraserhead in BPD as gaming the poll results; most David Lynch movie are to be viewed as art rather than
"to be understood" as he described himself as an artist who wanted to
see pictures move. Exactly what is the "plot" of the Mona Lisa, a Marcel Duchamp box, or a Jackson Pollack? So Doug, do
you believe that Erasehead had a "happy" or a "sad" ending?
[[If I had to choose, I’ll say sad. But I don’t see why a choice has to be
made.]]
Mike
Oliveri: OK, you shamed me into reading more than just my game. I just
don't understand the power you have over me. It has something to do with that
first Diplomacy game I ever played online. So, what do I pick up on? Your Halfway House series. I
started reading and had to go back to my prior issues, which brought me back to
Chapter 5. Now I just finished downloading the issues I missed because my game
wasn't being published until issue 29. I'll let you know when I have read them
all, starting with Chapter 1. You are an interesting person Doug, very open to
your readers. Needless to say, you are also one hell of a storyteller. I think
I would like to read that book you wrote for Victor. I have no idea what it is
about, but somehow, with it being your spin on his ideas, I think it would
probably be good.
[[It’s all boring financial stuff, nothing fun. My real writing appears here. But I appreciate the compliments. I’m in the process now of slowly editing each
chapter of the proposed “Prison” book so I can submit it to a publisher or
agent.]]
PS. I do not have any interest in playing Top Ten, which is the
question you asked to get me to read beyond my limited little world. Don't deny
it. You're a master at shaming people. That would explain your claim that you
cannot win at Diplomacy. To be able to shame someone means they have already
done you bad. In Diplomacy that is one move too late.
[[Shaming and whining and begging is most of the reason I am still
able to get people to write articles for Diplomacy World.]]
Robin ap Cynan: District
9: best new SF film for a while. Hang the gaps in the plot- how did we
get to understand their language; how come they didn’t use their weapons to get
back at their oppression by humans. And an absolute avoidance of excess and/or flakey CGI.
[[…which is a major
plus for me. I just can’t enjoy a
movie with tons of CGI. My mind doesn’t
process what the heck is going on.]]
Andy York: I agree with you that "District 9" is a movie
worth seeing. Quite a few plot twists and
surprises, and one that makes you think.
[[…hmmm, sounds unanimous!]]
Hugh Polley: I enjoy reading your zine, you are
a good writer although I am more of a science fiction crime drama type
reader. There you go how about a good mystery serial?
[[I haven’t written any fiction
in some time, except for a short story that Heather quite enjoyed that I mean
to find and rewrite. But I really should
try some soon. Perhaps a mystery may be
just the thing?]]
PREFERENCE LISTS
By Paul Milewski
For purposes of illustration, I will start
with the “Dr. Pepper” game in Andy Lischett’s Cheesecake in which I am
playing Turkey. The preference lists in
that game, as published in issue #287, were:
In Andy’s usual manner, the country on the
left is the first choice (for example, Doug’s first choice was Germany), and
the countries are listed from left to right in order of decreasing preference,
and the country assigned is shown in upper case; players are listed in
alphabetical order of position awarded: AEFGIRT. As you can see, in “Dr. Pepper” 5 players got
their first choice. There is the
impression that Doug got the short end of the stick because he got his fifth
choice; Andy added the comment, “Sorry, Doug.”
Compare this to the situation in Andy’s game “Wotan” (issue #270):
Fred got Austria and is an example of how
Andy handles a player who states no preference: he gets what’s left.
In Cheesecake you also see examples
of someone expressing his least preferred, as in “Campbell Chibougamau” (issue
#255):
Listed in the usual AEFGIRT order, Andy
York plays Russia, Harold Zarr plays Turkey.
In “Faith” (issue #216), we see someone
expressing only his highest 4 preferences:
In “Hope” (also issue #216), we see another
variation, listing only highest and lowest preference:
Again, the results are listed in AEFGIRT
order, Rick playing Germany, Robert playing Russia.
A problem with a preference list is that it
is a rank ordering and does not indicate or take into account in any way how
much the person prefers one country to another. An example would be if we were ranking
flavors of ice cream in order of preference and the four flavors were vanilla,
chocolate, asparagus, and vomit. Also,
one person may feel much more strongly about his first choice than another
person feels about his first choice. Of
course, if each person has an uncontested first choice, the implication is that
each person is happier with what he ends up with than he would be with any of
the other 6 positions on the board, so we have optimization by definition. Anything else is not so simple. Suffice it to say, two people both having the
same preference list (for example, GERFAIT), may be feel very differently about
getting stuck with France instead of Russia and certainly about getting stuck
with France compared to their first choice of Germany. All you can confidently say about a
conventional preference list is that is a rank ordering, and one that doesn’t
permit the expression of equal preference for any two or more positions.
Going back to the “Dr. Pepper” example, it
is possible that the difference between how much Doug preferred each of his
first 5 choices is extremely small, but Russia may have been a “distant” second
choice in Craig’s case. There is no way
to tell from the preference lists themselves, the lists being simple rank
orderings, as there is no measure or quantification of the difference in
preference (1.) between the nth choice of all the players and (2.) in the case
of any one player, between any 2 his 7 choices.
To the best of my knowledge, no GM has ever
conducted an auction per se for
positions, the classic way of resolving how much different people want the same
thing. However, the way in which Andy
uses preference lists to match 7 players to the 7 positions is a de facto sealed-bid auction with each
player conditionally bidding on each of the 7 positions on the board, everybody
bidding the same amount on a first choice, some lesser amount on the second
(but everybody bidding the same amount on whatever his second choice happens to
be), etc. It is as if the GM were trying
to maximize his revenue, subject to giving everyone his first choice if
possible. To keep things simple, we can
say that you bid 6 something (dollars, Swiss francs, cans of sardines, or
whatever) on your first choice, 5 on your second, and so on, bidding 0 on your
last choice. In the case of “Dr. Pepper”
Andy’s revenue is 5 first choices x 6 + 1 second choice x 5 + one fifth choice
x 2 = 37 total. The 4 uncontested
first choices (E, G, I, T) are obvious.
France is a contested first choice: Cary and Craig each had
France listed as his first choice. The
second choice of Cary and Craig was Russia.
Andy maximizes his revenue by giving one of the two players France and
the other player Russia; it doesn’t make any difference to Andy which player
gets France and which gets Russia: Andy’s revenue will be 6 + 5 = 11 in either
case. Andy only picks up 2 from Doug,
which is the best Andy can do at that stage of the bidding.
Let’s take an alternative approach: all 7
positions are either the first or second choice of one or more of the 7
players. Of all the first two choices of
all the 7 players, Turkey is listed only by
Andy’s total take in this approach is 6 + 5
+ 5 + 5 +6 + 6 + 5 = 38 and, based on the admittedly questionable valuation of
first and second choices, yields a better result for Andy. From the players’ viewpoints, it may be an improvement, as
everyone got his first or second choice (3 first choices, 4 second choices)
compared to the result using Andy’s approach in which six got their first
choices, one got his second choice, but one only got his fifth choice.
Someone with no preference list, as in the
examples of “Faith” or “Hope” shown above is effectively offering to bid zero
for any of the 7 positions, so Andy gives him whatever is left.
Another way to go might be to attach a
semantic differential to the rankings and permit some choices to be valued
equally. An arbitrary example of this
would be for each person to group the 7 positions according to whether (1.)
he’d like
to get one of the positions in his first grouping, (2.) he doesn’t care much
one way or the other about the countries in his second grouping, and (3.) he’d
rather not get one of the ones in his third grouping. It does not necessarily follow that each
person would have to have at least “one choice” in each of the 3 categories and
no preference list would be tantamount to listing all 7 positions in the second
grouping.
The GM would then go about giving each
player a country from his first grouping if possible (two players with
the same position and only that position in his
first grouping would prevent that). It’s
not an approach without its faults, but it at least attempts to take into
account how each player feels about the prospect of playing
the various countries and does not make the plainly dubious implicit assumption
that each person values his nth choice as much all other players values their
nth choices and that he prefers his nth choice over his nth – 1 choice by the
same difference he prefers his nth + 1 choice over his nth choice—in other
words, that there is a linear preference function of startling uniformity.
Still another variation would be to permit
a player to downright refuse to take one or more positions (for example, “I
won’t play Austria under any circumstances”).
One could imagine a situation in which a GM would not be able to start a
game with the first 7 people who step up to play and keep adding potential
players to the pool until he is able, following this approach, to just come up
with 7 players for the 7 positions on the board. With the postal hobby being kept alive by a
breathing machine, this may not be a viable alternative.
A still different approach would be to
somehow raffle off the order in which players choose their positions, somewhat
along the lines of an NFL draft pick, so by lot or otherwise the first person
gets his choice of any of the 7 positions, the next person gets his choice of
any of the remaining 6, and so on, until the last person literally gets what’s
left. This could also be done with each
player submitting a preference list of the usual sort, but the first person
gets the first choice on his list, the second player gets the first or second
choice on his list (depending on whether the first person chose the second
person’s first choice), and so on, until the last person gets what’s left. This approach combines an element of chance
while still allowing preference lists to affect the results. Of course, if the players know in advance the
order in which they will be allowed to choose (who will be first, who will be
second, and so forth), the possibilities for two people conspiring to go for a
2-way draw right off the bat are obvious.
I might suggest going a little further and allowing players in this
situation to trade their positions before they become final and certainly
before spring 1901 orders are accepted.
Anyone who ever faced playing Austria against Kathy Caruso playing Italy
could appreciate the attractiveness of getting yourself out of that mess ASAP
(and the probably difficulty of getting someone to trade you for your
Austria). I can easily imagine having to
pay someone on the side to accept the swap.
It reminds of flying back from Chicago on a business trip and having my
boss offer me a twenty dollar bill to switch seats with him on the plane—his seat
on the flight back was next to our Finance Director Joan the Terrible. (I told him twenty bucks wasn’t enough.)
Why do people submit the preference lists
that they do? Take a look at the lists
submitted by Cary Nichols in the first 3 games above:
He didn’t use the same preference list
twice, although there is a pattern indicating a certain preference for France
and an apparent desire to avoid playing Italy (and he doesn’t appear to be very
fond of playing England, either).
Compare to Craig Cowley’s lists in the same 3 games:
In Craig’s case, we see more variety in his
first and second preferences than in Cary’s case, and we see an apparent desire
to avoid playing England. Then look at
Ken Iverson’s lists in those 3 games:
There are all the signs of guy who really
likes playing Italy and doesn’t care much for playing Turkey. If these 3 people in these 3 games are any
indication, one might conclude that people submit preference lists to increase
the likelihood of their getting certain positions and to decrease the
likelihood of getting certain other positions.
In other words, the lists are being used for their nominal purpose: to
express a preference and hoping to see it come to be. If that’s the whole idea, maybe in the case
of “Dr. Pepper” it would have been better to give everyone his first or second
choice rather than see someone stuck with his fifth choice. In any case, it seems to me that to come up
with a preference list that will result in the most desirable outcome possible,
a person needs to understand how the GM is going to use the preferences lists
to assign positions. For instance, if
you really want to play England, list it as your first choice and then list as
your next few choices positions that you think will show up on at least one
other person’s list higher up on the list.
An example would be listing France second and Germany third—in the 4 of
the 5 games above, at least one person listed France as his first choice. If you know who the other 6 players are going
to be and you have some basis for guessing their favorites, your odds with this
strategy improve.
The apparent fact that a particular player
may want one of the 7 positions and definitely not want another one of
the 7 raises questions. Is Diplomacy a
game with very poor play balance? Why
would a person keep trying to play Italy, for instance? Is he honing his skills to become the
preeminent Italy? Is that possible to
do? Did Kathy Caruso do so well playing
Italy because she was Kathy Caruso or because she was playing Italy? I’ve never had an 18-center win in all the
years I’ve played. Am I just a mediocre
player? Am I just a warm and fuzzy guy
with no killer instinct? Do I just ask a
lot of silly questions because I like to put a question mark at the end of a
sentence?
Brain
Farts: The Only Subsubzine With It’s Own Fragrance
By Jack “Flapjack” McHugh – jwmchughjr “of”
gmail.com
(or just email Doug and
he’ll send it to me)
Issue #11
The lack of letters and comments I get in
this column is staggering. At least Doug
has finally given me a more readable font.
I kept asking him “who do I have to sleep with around here to get a font
people can actually understand?” Then I
found out…ooh, I do not want to relive that experience.
Despite some late problems, the Phillies
have their division just about locked up.
I don’t feel especially confident about our chances to go all the way,
but we’ll make it to the League Championship.
Meanwhile, the Eagles lose McNabb for at least a week with a broken
rib. What a wuss….I’ve been hurt far
worse and still performed at my job. Of
course my job involves a lot of sitting, and when I say “hurt” I mean hurt feelings,
but it still applies.
Maybe what I need to do is run a game
here. Then I’d get more responses. Hmmm…I could either do some kind of Diplomacy
variant, or maybe an adult-oriented word game.
That might be best. I could do
XXX By Popular Demand.
If you think you might want to play that, let me know and I can start it
next issue.
I don’t have any good news on the job
front. All the jobs I have a chance of
getting for a decent wage are do far away from where I live that the benefit of
the pay would be outweighed by my poor car falling apart in the middle of rush
hour. I need to ask Doogie to start some
kind of Eternal Sunshine charity fund: “Buy Jack a Decent Car.” Or if anybody has one they
want to get rid of for $50, let me know.
Except I might need to pay in installments at this
point.
Since I have no games to run, no real
news to report, and no letters this month, I’ll just give you a few jokes and
humorous photos or diagrams. I’m too
depressed to think of anything more entertaining. Oh, and Swider, SCREW YOU for standing me up
on playing wargames. You can see your
mother anytime. I hope you stub your big
toe on the leg of your coffee table.
First, a math lesson on the “cash for clunkers” program…..A
vehicle at 15 mpg which goes 12,000 miles per year uses 800 gallons a year of
gasoline. A vehicle at 25 mpg and 12,000
miles per year uses 480 gallons a year. So,
the average clunker transaction will reduce US gasoline consumption by 320
gallons per year.
They claim 700,000 vehicles were turned in (although that’s still up in the air
as many are still being processed, and some denied) – so that's 224 million
gallons / year saved. That equates to a
bit over 5 million barrels of oil. 5
million barrels of oil is about ¼ of one day's US consumption. And, 5 million barrels of oil costs about
$375 million dollars at $75/bbl. So, we all contributed to spending $3 billion
to save $375 million. How good a deal
was that?
They'll probably do a great job with health care though…
Now, a joke….
THE GORILLA
AND THE REDNECK
A small zoo obtained a very rare species of gorilla... Within
a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became
very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the
veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat.
To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee, a redneck
part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee, like
most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female
of any species.
The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached
with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?
Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over
carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer,
but only under five conditions:
"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the
lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition..
"Second", he said, "She must wear a 'Dale
Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt." The keeper again readily agreed to
this condition.
"Third", he said, "You can't never tell no one
about this." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
"Fourth", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the offspring raised
Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.
"And last," Bobby Lee said, "I'll need another week to come up
with the $500.00"!
The End is Nye #1 - By Craig Nye
Editor’s
Note: Craig Nye was one of the former publishers I suggested might like to
contribute an occasional column to Eternal Sunshine. Below you will find this month’s glimmer of
genius, but first, here is what Craig submitted as a mini-bio and request for
topics.
I have been
around for some time now. My
relationship with the Diplomacy game is really a consequence of US involvement
in Vietnam: During the late 60s/early
70s I was acquainted with an American who was in the UK to avoid being sent to
SE Asia to kill or be killed. He
introduced me to the game. So Bob Roe, formerly of Ithaca NY, if you’re still out there
somewhere, hello. As finding 6
other nutters who actually wanted to play a board game somewhat more demanding
than monopoly ftf was not easy I gravitated to the postal hobby in the UK. I even published my own zine “Retief” in the
mid 70s; copies of which are rumoured to exist in certain obscure
archives. The library at Miskatonic
certainly has copies. Real world events
caused me to fold publication after about a year but I remained in contact with
friends from the hobby for some years after.
Then the real world struck again and I was virtually out of contact
until recently.
That seems a
fair summation of my relevant history.
Looking at ES I think your readership is largely North American; so my
problem is going to be references that will be reasonably comprehensible to
your readers. I would appreciate some
feedback as to topics that might be of interest. All I can think of at the moment is expansion
of my alien chefs notion to include all ‘reality tv’;
a format I largely hold in contempt. An
assault on the absurd notion that Michael Jackson is actually dead but is now
resident in area 51 Nevada along with Elvis and others, (MJ is running the
theme park as the management, [Majestic 12],
felt it not appropriate for him to run the children’s crèche). ....and now, on with the fun.
When
Douglas was silly enough to ask me to contribute to ES I had a bit of a
problem: What to gibber on about? After all a largely North American readership
will not be that interested in the politics and history of the UK. However the recent meeting of the General
Assembly of the United Nations has solved the problem as it provides the
opportunity for, shall we say, some of the more eccentric leaders of member
countries to speak.
Among these was Libyan President Gaddafi who
gave the meeting and the world the benefits of his wit and wisdom for 90
minutes. His dissertation included
castigating the UN, bemoaning jet lag and ruminations on the assassination of
President Kennedy. He was also quite
nice about the current US chief executive; this is not the normal tone of the
Libyan President about his US counterpart.
However if the palaeontologists are correct, I should point out to him
that if you go back far enough we all originated in Africa.
Then
we had Iranian President Ammadinejad. I
have to confess that I have a problem with his name: Owing to some defective wiring in my brain I
cannot stop thinking his name is “Imadinnerjacket”, sorry about that. Anyway he did offer to ‘warmly shake the
hand’ of other countries. This makes a
change from his previous speeches in which he seems more inclined to warmly
shake the throat of other countries.
Whatever will be next? Perhaps
Bin Laden will send him a Christmas card?
Then
it was President Chavez of Venezuela’s turn in the pulpit. In comparison with his comments about George
W Bush, he’s being nice to Obama too.
Like Gaddafi he seems to have a bit of and obsession about the Kennedy
assassination. There’s even been a
report about Fidel Castro approving of Obama on climate change, although this
remains to be verified.
So
what is with this Obamamania? Even in
Europe where we tend to regard, with good reason, politicians as one of the
lowest forms of life he receives adulation.
The last time I can remember the world reacting like this to a US
President was in the early 1960s. Oh
yes, so maybe Barack you should reconsider that trip to Dallas?
Out of the WAY #12
by W. Andrew York
(wandrew88 of gmail.com)
===================================
This
is coming to you (mostly) from Chicago.
I’m up for to spend a weekend with some friends, eat good food and do
some sightseeing with them. Last year, I came up in November, saw the “House on
the Rock”, ate at a Brazilian steakhouse and played some games. This year the
slate of activities included dinners at Greek, Armenian and Czech restaurants,
a trip to Springfield for a Lincoln themed day (with a side trip involving
Frank Lloyd Wright), the Chicago History Museum and their bus tour around The
Devil and the White City book (primarily about the 1893 Columbus Exposition
in Chicago, along with a story about a mass murderer on the loose at the same
time) and a White Sox game.
All
in all, a great time had by all and, in Pandemic, we did almost save the world
<- I need to do that one of these days! And, the division leading Tigers
were put in their place (though it won’t make a difference in the end). Heading back in the morning on Southwest.
Below, the usual – including another spot on guess by
Mark Lew about the word in “Hangman by Definition”. Once this last word is discovered, I’ll start a new
five round game. And, I’m very strongly leaning towards leaving out ALL “E” and
“S” revelations and guesses. If anyone objects to that change, now is the time
to speak up.
And, please send in any letters to the editor, poll
question responses or other material to include. I’m always looking at ways to
improve the newsletter and give you want you want to see (well, within reason).
You feedback and thoughts are the only way I can do improve this bit and make
it more interesting to you!
Have
a great October!
===================================
Poll
Question
Each month a question will be
posed to the readership. Your thoughts and commentary are solicited for the
next issue. Also, any response to
what folks have submitted
for the previous question are very welcome.
This issue: Did the “Cash for Clunkers” program reach the goals set for it? Were those goals appropriate for the Federal government to promote?
[WAY] In some ways it helped for the immediate future
(uptick in sales, increased production to replace sold vehicles); but it only
benefited a small part of the economy and the select group of individuals who
were in a position to take advantage of the offer. I had friends who had
literal “clunkers” (barely running, damaged exhaust systems) but that
originally were too economical to qualify. On the other hand, folks with cars
meeting the requirements, in some cases, turned theirs in and bought one that
barely meet the upgrade requirements – in some cases only a few miles per
gallon more than previously. A wider net would have been better, as would have
been stricter upgrade requirements. However, in this case, it probably was
better than not doing it at all.
For next issue: Football, baseball, soccer (OK non-American football), golf – what is the one sport you couldn’t do without and why is it so important to you?
===================================
The
Month in History
October 2, 1869 - Ghandi is born.
October 3, 1939 - The British
Expeditionary Force (BEF) takes position on the French border with Belgium
while the last major Polish military
forces surrender.
October 14, 1939 - U-47 slips
into the primary British naval port at Scapa Flow and sinks the battleship
Royal Oak.
October 17, 1859 - John Brown
launches the raid at Harper’s Ferry to capture the armoury
there and arm the slaves who would rise up in
support of his action. In
the end, he is captured by Robert E. Lee and a small contingent of Marines.
October 29, 1929 - 16.4
million shares are traded on Wall Street as the country slides into the Great
Depression.
Sources
include: current issue of Smithsonian; The World Almanac Book of
World War II edited by Peter Young
===================================
Letter Column
(always welcome,
send them in!)
none this month
Recipe
of the Month
Recipe Philosophy: Except for
baking, recipes are only suggestions. I rarely precisely measure, eyeballing
most everything. The listed
measurements, for the most
part, are estimates from the last time I made the recipe. Feel free to adjust
to meet your personal tastes –
and remember, it is easier
to add “more” of something than to compensate when “too much” has been added.
For ingredients, if you don’t
like raw onions, omit them or replace with celery to retain the crunchiness. If
you like food with more spice, add
an extra jalapeno or use habenaros instead. On the other hand, if you don’t like
spicy food, replace the jalapeno with half a bell
pepper. Optional items are
used when I’m looking for a variation or making it for individuals with
specific preferences.
Egg Drop Soup
version by
W Andrew York
(last revised September 2009)
Ingredients (per serving):
1 egg,
lightly beaten
1 cup chicken
stock
small knob ginger, lightly crushed
2 cloves garlic,
lightly crushed
1 green
onion (green stem only, cut into fine rings from bulb side up; avoid any tough
part)
Toasted
Sesame Oil
Salt and White Pepper
to taste
Steps:
1) Put chicken stock into a pot, add garlic and
ginger
2) Bring to a simmer, leave for 10 minutes
3) Remove ginger and garlic (may need to strain
through a fine strainer/cheese cloth if ginger or garlic break up)
4) Taste for salt and pepper
5) While simmering, lightly whisk in beaten egg
6) Serve, topped with a dollop of sesame oil and a
scattering of onion greens
Notes:
- Can
substitute whites from two eggs for the whole egg
- Use homemade
stock, if available, if not use canned low sodium chicken stock
===================================
Commentary
Food supplies and current farming methods in North
America is a difficult topic to write about. At first, I was leaning towards a
fully realized “buy local, organic” as the best option and knocking the factory
farm system. However, in reflection and thinking about the ways and wherefores,
quite a few exceptions and caveats jumped out and made me rethink what I was
going to say. Thus, I skipped the column last time.
In
general, I do agree with that philosophy – buy local and organic; avoid the
products of the factory farm system; skip the items on the store shelves that
involve high carbon investment to deliver. What I mean by each of this is:
- local
products, for the most part, have low carbon investment to put onto the shelves
by not requiring shipment from overseas (especially by plane) or
trucking/railing across the country. The fuel consumed to bring the item to you
can be quite significant. However, being local does not automatically mean low
carbon – if it is assembled from ingredients that require extensive shipping,
the carbon investment can be hidden while being greater than that from a
something produced elsewhere and shipped in. So, this isn’t an easy choice
without extensive research or full disclosure by the producer.
- organic products are not always what they seem. On the face
of it, organic produce doesn’t use commercial fertilizer which has been shown
to run off and pollute streams and rivers (see the bloom off of the mouth of
the Mississippi where fertilizer run-off has seriously depleted the seafood
supply in the area). However, what may be labeled isn’t necessarily 100%
organic. The term is relatively flexible and may not reflect that the entire
contents are organic (only a percentage). So, again, someone has to be careful
and take the time to ensure that they are getting what they expect.
- as a side note, buying from a farmers’ market doesn’t always
mean you are getting food from the farmer. Check with the folks organizing the
event to ensure that the people selling the food are the ones actually
producing it. Otherwise, you may be getting “farm” food; but which is being
offered by a reseller (in some cases, buying the food from a wholesaler, just
as a supermarket would, and then up charging to match the costs of the true
farmers at the market). Another way is to talk to the seller, ask where their
farm is specifically, their yields and such. Those who are resellers will
usually hedge or offer evasive answers.
- factory farms, in many instances, may not be as careful as a
local farmer growing/selling their products.
The chances of getting inferior or contaminated food increases each time
another set of hands handles/packages/transports/stocks it. Also, many factory
farms provide their food into an aggregation system where the products of farm A are combined with similar products from farm B, C, D, etc.
In the end, you get the average of the food’s quality and the lowest common
denominator for contamination. So, an excellent output from one farm (highest
quality and absolutely no contamination) will be degraded by the other farm’s
product. In the end, you can’t lump each factory-style farm into one category,
but you can say the aggregate, in general, is a poor substitute for fresh,
local, organic quality offerings.
Also, in this discussion,
there is the cost factor. With rare exceptions, the local/organic foods cost
more than the output of the factory food system. That system uses advantages of
quantity acquisition/production/distribution, lower costs of production and the
“muscle” of their size to leverage cost controls. This can be a serious
hindrance to those with limited incomes or high fixed costs:
- subsidized crops skew what is available in stores, and
mostly profits the factory farms rather than the independent farmer. For
example, corn receives a significant influx of federal funds and corn syrup is
a major ingredient in a fair number of “junk” foods available to the consumer.
If, instead of subsidizing the farmer, the government increases the allotment
of food stamps to those in need, the food prices can rise to a more natural
level and the consumer can make more informed, and hopefully more nutritious
choices in their food purchases.
- organic food does cost more, and consumers have to make the
best choices they can. At the store yesterday, organic tomatoes were around
$2.60/lb while other tomatoes were at 94¢/lb and slightly better quality. No
one can fault a shopper for getting the better bargain or taking the better
produce.
- organic foods aren’t always available, especially if you’re
trying to make a special recipe with specific ingredients. This is especially
the case if you’re trying use out of season produce or something that isn’t
grown locally. A prime example of this is folks living far from the coast and
wanting to use fresh seafood - you can only buy what is available.
In the end, each person must
make the best choices for themselves and their families. Myself, I still plan
to collect my weekly box of fresh veggies from the CSA (Community Supported
Agriculture) farm and pick other finds when I go to a real farmer’s market. I
won’t always use everything; but I’ll share what my neighbors want and enjoy what
I can. At the grocery store, I’ll buy what I need to fill out the rest of my
week’s needs, balancing the purchase of organics with other quality veggies.
Now, with prepared foods,
that’s a whole ‘nother story…..
===================================
Babylon
5 Quote
In A Voice in the Wilderness, Part 2:
Rowdy #1:
“Nuke ‘em ‘till they glow, then shoot ‘em in the dark”
Source: But In Purple...I’m Stunning! by
J. Michael Straczynski, edited by Sara “Samm” Barnes, copyright 2008.
===================================
Game
Section
Hangman, By Definition
This is a five round game,
with each round consisting of a variable number of turns. The winner will be
the person who wins the most rounds, with a tie breaker being fewest total number of turns in those winning rounds. Second
tie breaker will be the most number of letters guessed (by total count
revealed, not by individual letter).
Each round will consist of
identifying a word of at least six letters. Along with each word will be the
first definition given. Both words and definitions will be identified by blank
spaces. Words and definitions are verified in a dictionary that was my high
school graduation gift (slight hint to those who might want to find the
edition). [[Note – for the first round of this game, an online source was
used]]
The goal is to guess the word
in as few turns as possible. Each turn, all players will submit one letter to
be revealed. The letter submitted by the most players will be the letter
revealed in the next turn. Ties will be broken by a random method.
Additionally, each player should submit a guess for the word. Once the word is
correctly identified (spelling is important), that round will end and a new
round will begin. All players who guess the word in the same turn will share in
the win for the round. If the word is not guessed by the end of six turns with
no letter revealed, no one will win the round.
Along with revealing letters
in the word, letters will be revealed in the definition. There are no bonus
points for guessing any part of the definition, it is only there to help
players figure out the word. No guesses about parts of the definition will be
confirmed or displayed except by the letter revealed in that round.
All rounds start with the
letters “E” and “S” already revealed.
Round Four, Turn One:
Letter Votes: None - 2, T - 2 Revealed: N/A
Words Guessed: Mark
Lew - ACRID; Dane Maslan - Aroma; Brendan
Whyte - no guess; Doug Kent - Cliff
Solution:
Word: A C R
I D
Definition: Harsh to the taste or smell.
Revealed: E,
S
Round Five, Turn Zero:
Word: __ __ __
__ S __
Definition: E
__ __ __
__ __ __
__ __ __
__; __ __
__ __ __
__ __ __
Revealed: E,
S
Words Guessed: Mark D Lew -
3, Dane Maslen - 1, Jim-Bob - 1
Player Comments:
[Mark Lew] Ah, now this is much more interesting. You can’t pin
down a five-letter word with no letters revealed. That
means we have to attack the definition.
The key word is the middle one. I don’t think there’s
much it can be besides paste/waste/taste/haste. The question is which of those
takes a short word in front that looks suspiciously like “the” and can take a
2-5 after it which is likely prepositional (to, of, in), but might also be an
“or” to another noun.
I’m thinking the rod is an adjective, and the
definition goes [adj] [prep] the [noun] [prep]/or
[noun]. The final word is much more flexible than the middle one, but it’s
still narrowed down quite a ways. Taste pairs nicely with smell or scent. So
maybe something like “crisp to the taste or smell”? That still sounds too
clumsy, but it’s the best I’ve got. Even if that were a definition, what could
it define? Tangy?
[Later] OK, now I’ve got it. It’s gotta
be ACRID.
It bothered me that something doesn’t really smell
tangy. Acrid works for both taste or smell, in which
case the first word is probably harsh.
So, change my official guess to ACRID.
[Dane Maslen] It seems that last issue I intended writing you a
letter discussing the issue of ‘assisted solutions’ but never got round to it -
and in the process also never got round to submitting a vote or a guess, not
that it mattered as I’m now forsaking the use of my SOWPODS list so I wouldn’t
have got the word.
I think your choice of a short word this round is a
good idea as it will probably force the players to work to solve the definition
rather than the word itself....let’s see if I can remember to send you some
orders this time!
Never revealing E’s and S’s might be a good idea. [WAY]
I’m very much leaning towards that for the next game.
[Later] This is very frustrating. I’m currently
working on the hypothesis that the definition is something along the lines:
something1
OF/IN THE something2 OF/TO/OR something3
I think the ‘something2’ is the key. I can only think
of seven words that fit, of which two or three seem somewhat unlikely.
Nonetheless I can’t come up with anything sensible, possibly because I’m
obsessed with ‘TASTE OR SMELL’ (which is why I’ve guessed at ‘AROMA’, even
though I can’t work out a suitable definition). I have the nasty suspicion that
I must be overlooking a word that would fit.
[Doug Kent] I suck at this game, but my guess is CLIFF.
Possible future game openings
- Railway Rivals, Empire Builder, Liftoff!, Pandemic
Suggestions accepted for other
games to offer.
===================================
Deadline For The Next Issue
of Out of the WAY:
October 24, 2009 at 7:00am – See You Then!
Game entries, letters of
comment and other material can be sent to:
wandrew88 at gmail.com; or
by post to: W. Andrew York; POB 201117; Austin TX 78720-1117
Diplomacy (Black Press – Permanent Opening
in ES):
Signed up: None, needs seven to fill.
Diplomacy “Cronin Special” (White Press): A regular Diplomacy
game with White Press, but with Larry Cronin and his two sons together in the
same game. If they’re anything like my
family, that’s no guarantee they’ll be allies – more likely they’ll constantly
stab each other. But come sign up and
help the two Cronin sons get some PBM experience! Signed up: Larry Cronin,
Michael Cronin, Chuy Cronin, Pat Vogelsang, Graham Wilson, Brad Wilson, need 1
more to fill. Let’s
get this filled up THIS issue!
Gunboat Diplomacy (Black Press): Signed up: One,
need six more to fill. Sign up now!
Fog of War Diplomacy (Black Press): Signed up: Jack
McHugh, Graham Wilson, Mark Firth, Paraic Reddington, need three more to
fill. Rules can be found in ES
#30. The only portion of the game which
will run here in the zine would be the press, as the maps and the supply center
information is all private. And, of course, the end-game statements and
report would be run here. But the game
would run under the usual ES schedule.
Deviant Diplomacy II (Black Press): Signed up: None, needs seven to fill.
Crazy game, completely out of its mind. Rules were in Eternal Sunshine #23. Check out the game currently running if you
want to see what this is like!
Colonial Diplomacy: Hugh Polley has
volunteered to guest GM this, with a bond game alongside (a Bourse-type game). Signed up: Robert Jewett, Martin Burgdorf, Jack
McHugh, Graham Wilson, need three more.
There is talk of merging this with a similar opening in Paul Bolduc’s Boris the Spider. If so I’ll alert the players.
Diplomacy Bourse (Black Press): Buy and sell the
currencies of the Diplomacy nations.
This Bourse is using the new game “Dulcinea” as its basis. Players may join at any time (one just
joined this issue), and are then given 1000 units of every currency
still in circulation. The rules to
Bourse can be found in ES #24.
By Popular Demand: Game currently
underway, join any time. New game starts
this issue!
Standby List:
HELP! I need standby players! – Current
standby list: Graham Wilson, Jim Burgess (Dip only), Jeremie Lefrancois (Dip
only), Lance Anderson (Dip only), Martin Burgdorf, and whoever I beg into it in
an emergency.
I may offer another Gunboat 7x7 soon, so
keep your eyes open. I’m also considering
variants like Cline 9-Man (one player has shown interest so far), Youngstown,
or Woolworth. Does anybody have an
interest in Kremlin? If somebody wants
to guest-GM a game of anything, just say the word. If you have specific game requests please let
me know.
Diplomacy
“Wouldn’t It Be Nice?” 2008A, Fall 07
Austria (Kevin
Wilson
- ckevinw “of” comcast.net): A Budapest Supports A Galicia - Rumania (*Fails*),
A
Galicia - Rumania (*Fails*), F Greece Supports A Rumania – Bulgaria, F
North Africa – Tunis,
A
Rumania - Bulgaria (*Fails*), A Serbia Supports A Rumania – Bulgaria. A Warsaw Hold.
England (Jérémie
LeFrançois - jeremie.lefrancois “of”gmail.com): F Baltic Sea - Livonia
(*Bounce*),
F
Belgium – Picardy, F English Channel Convoys A Picardy
– Denmark,
F
Irish Sea - Mid-Atlantic Ocean (*Bounce*), F Mid-Atlantic Ocean -
Portugal (*Bounce*),
A
Moscow - Livonia (*Bounce*), F North Atlantic Ocean Supports F Irish Sea
- Mid-Atlantic Ocean (*Fails*),
F
North Sea Convoys A Picardy – Denmark, A Picardy –
Denmark,
A
Sevastopol Supports F Bulgaria(ec) - Rumania (*Void*).
France (William Wood
– woodw “of” offutt.af.mil): A Brest Supports A Paris, A Paris
Supports A Brest.
Germany (Graham
Wilson – grahamaw “of” rogers.com): A Berlin
– Prussia,
A
Burgundy - Gascony (*Bounce*), A Silesia Supports A Berlin - Prussia.
Italy (Don Williams
– dwilliam “of” fontana.org): F Gulf
of Lyon - Spain(sc)
(*Fails*),
A
Marseilles - Gascony (*Bounce*), F Piedmont no move received, F Spain(nc) - Portugal (*Bounce*),
F
Western Mediterranean - Mid-Atlantic Ocean (*Bounce*).
Russia (Melinda
Holley – genea5613 “of” aol.com): Retreat A Rumania – Ukraine..A Ukraine utters a
primal
scream
(Holds).
Turkey (Brad Wilson
- bwdolphin146 “of”yahoo.com): F Black
Sea Supports F Bulgaria(ec),
F Bulgaria(ec) Supports A Ukraine - Rumania (*Void*), A
Constantinople Supports F Bulgaria(ec),
F Smyrna - Aegean Sea.
Winter 1907/Spring 1908 Deadline is October 27th 2009 at 7:00am my
time
Supply Center Chart
Austria:
Budapest, Greece, Rumania,
Serbia, Trieste, Tunis, Vienna, Warsaw=8, Build 1
England:
Belgium, Denmark, Edinburgh,
Liverpool, London, Moscow, Norway,
Sevastopol, St
Petersburg, Sweden=10, Even
France:
Brest, Paris=2, Even
Germany: Berlin,
Holland, Kiel, Munich=4, Build 1
Italy:
Marseilles, Naples, Portugal,
Rome, Spain, Venice=6, Build 1
Russia: None=0,
OUT!!!
Turkey:
Ankara, Bulgaria,
Constantinople, Smyrna=4, Even
PRESS
CONSTANTINOPLE: Will anyone save
us from the Hapsburg Empire? We don't want to all have long chins!! Help!!!
Diplomacy
“Dulcinea” 2008C,Summer/Fall 04
Austria (Stephen
Agar – stephen “of” stephenagar.com): F Adriatic Sea – Apulia, A Galicia – Warsaw,
A
Tyrolia Supports A Vienna - Bohemia (*Dislodged*, ret to Trieste, Vienna,
OTB),
A
Ukraine Supports A Galicia – Warsaw, A Venice Supports A
Apulia – Rome, A Vienna - Bohemia.
England (Philip
Murphy trekkypj “of” gmail.com): F English Channel Convoys A Wales –
Brest,
F
Irish Sea - Mid-Atlantic Ocean, F Norway - North Sea, F St Petersburg(nc) Hold,
A Sweden – Livonia,
A
Wales - Brest (*Bounce*).
France (Brad Wilson
– bwdolphin146 ”of” yahoo.com): A Belgium - Burgundy
(*Disbanded*),
A
Paris Supports A Belgium – Burgundy, A Picardy - Brest (*Bounce*), F Spain(sc) - Marseilles.
Germany (William
Wood – woodw “of” Offutt.af.mil): F Baltic
Sea Convoys A Sweden – Livonia,
A
Burgundy – Belgium, A Holland Supports A Burgundy –
Belgium, A Munich Supports A Bohemia – Tyrolia,
A
Ruhr Supports A Burgundy - Belgium.
Italy (Melinda
Holley – genea5613 “of” aol.com): Retreat
A Tyrolia – Bohemia..A Bohemia – Tyrolia,
F
Gulf of Lyon - Tyrrhenian Sea (*Bounce*), F Naples - Rome (*Fails*),
A
Piedmont Supports A Bohemia – Tyrolia, F Tunis - Ionian Sea (*Bounce*).
Russia (Jack McHugh –
jwmchughjr “of” gmail.com): A Moscow
Supports A Warsaw (*Cut*),
A
Warsaw Supports A Moscow (*Dislodged*, ret to
Prussia, Silesia, OTB).
Turkey (Jim Burgess –
jfburgess “of” gmail.com): F Aegean Sea
Supports F Eastern Mediterranean - Ionian
Sea (*Fails*), A Apulia – Rome, F Black Sea - Sevastopol (*Fails*),
F
Eastern Mediterranean - Ionian Sea (*Bounce*), F Ionian Sea - Tyrrhenian
Sea (*Bounce*),
A
Sevastopol - Moscow (*Fails*).
Winter
1904/Spring 1905 Deadline is October 27th 2009 at 7:00am my time
Supply
Center Chart
Austria:
Budapest, Rumania, Serbia,
Trieste, Venice, Vienna, Warsaw=7, Build 1
England:
Edinburgh, Liverpool, London,
Norway, St Petersburg, Sweden=6, Even
France:
Brest, Marseilles, Paris,
Portugal=4, Build 1
Germany:
Belgium, Berlin, Denmark,
Holland, Kiel, Munich=6, Build 1
Italy:
Naples, Spain, Tunis=3,
Remove 2
Russia:
Moscow=1, Remove 1
Turkey:
Ankara, Bulgaria,
Constantinople, Greece, Rome, Sevastopol, Smyrna=7, Build 1
PRESS
Prime Minister to Smaug: Goose?
PARIS: C'est fini ici.
G to F: Have you tried the strudel?
GM – G: Wait for the cream, my dear.
Diplomacy “Just a Taste” 2009C, Spring 1901
Austria
(William Wood – woodw “of” offutt.af.mil):
A
Budapest – Serbia, F Trieste – Albania,
A
Vienna - Trieste.
England
(Robert Jewett – Robert_Jewett “of” navyfederal.org
and robertjewett “of” yahoo.com):
F Edinburgh - Norwegian Sea, A
Liverpool – Yorkshire, F London - North Sea.
France
(Paraic Reddington - Paraic.Reddington
“of” vix-erg.com): F Brest - Mid-Atlantic Ocean,
A Marseilles – Spain, A Paris - Burgundy.
Germany
(Philip Murphy trekkypj “of”
gmail.com): A Berlin – Silesia, F Kiel – Denmark,
A
Munich - Bohemia.
Italy
(Ian Pringle - pringle.ian “of” btinternet.com):
F Naples
- Ionian Sea, A Rome – Apulia, A Venice Hold.
Russia
(Don Williams – dwilliam “of” fontana.org):
A
Moscow - Sevastopol (*Fails*),
F Sevastopol - Black
Sea (*Bounce*), F St Petersburg(sc) - Gulf of
Bothnia, A Warsaw - Ukraine.
Turkey
(Graham Wilson – grahamaw “of” rogers.com): F Ankara - Black Sea
(*Bounce*),
A Constantinople
– Bulgaria, A Smyrna - Armenia.
Fall 1901 Deadline is October 27th 2009 at 7:00am my time
PRESS
A to R: “No No No… I know what it looks like but I thought you meant
you were okay with me moving East. I would never
attempt to take advantage a small misunderstanding. Anyway, the move is
done. Let’s try and work out what’s best given the unfortunate positions
of our armies. You might consider moving North,
your armies look pretty threatening from my perspective and it’s best to avoid
unnecessary conflict. After all, it was just a small misunderstanding.”
Diplomacy
“Bellicus” from Strange Meeting, Spring/Summer 1905
England
(Smiley McKinnon – Boltar35 “of” aol.com): F Clyde – Edinburgh,
A
London - Yorkshire (*Bounce*), F Norway - North Sea.
France
(Pat Vogelsang – godawgsgo33 “of” yahoo.com): A Belgium Supports A Burgundy – Ruhr,
A
Burgundy – Ruhr, F English Channel - London (*Fails*), A Gascony Hold, F
Irish Sea Hold,
A
Liverpool - Yorkshire (*Bounce*), A Paris - Burgundy.
Germany
(Beartla de Burca – beartlab “of” yahoo.ie): A Holland Supports A Kiel,
A Kiel
Supports A Silesia – Munich, A Silesia - Munich.
Italy
(David Latimer – davidlatimeryork “of” yacoo.co.uk): F Adriatic Sea Supports A Tyrolia -
Trieste
(*Cut*), F Tunis - Tyrrhenian Sea, A
Tyrolia - Trieste (*Fails*), A Venice Supports A Tyrolia - Trieste.
Russia
(Chris Babcock – cbabcock “of” asciiking.com): F Denmark Supports A Munich – Kiel,
A Finland
– Sweden, A Galicia – Silesia, A Moscow – Livonia, A Munich - Kiel
(*Dislodged*, retreats to Berlin),
F St
Petersburg(nc) – Norway, F Sweden - Baltic Sea, A Vienna
Supports A Trieste – Tyrolia,
A
Warsaw Supports A Galicia - Silesia.
Turkey
(Phil Amos – p.v.a “of” btinternet.com): F
Aegean Sea Supports F Eastern Mediterranean - Ionian Sea, F Albania -
Adriatic Sea (*Fails*), F Ankara – Constantinople, A Constantinople –
Bulgaria,
F
Eastern Mediterranean - Ionian Sea, F Greece Supports F Eastern Mediterranean -
Ionian Sea,
A
Serbia - Trieste (*Fails*), A Trieste - Tyrolia (*Fails*).
PRESS
No press? You guys suck!
Fall/Winter
1905 Deadline is October 27th 2009 at 7:00am my time
Diplomacy
“Chimaera” from Strange Meeting, Spring/Summer 1905
Austria
(Tim Deacon – unknown email, see below): A Budapest – Trieste, A Serbia – Greece,
A
Vienna Supports A Budapest - Trieste.
England
(Nigel Pepper – nepper “of” totalise.co.uk): A Brest Supports A London - Gascony (*Cut*),
F
English Channel Convoys A London – Gascony, F Holland - Belgium
(*Bounce*),
F
Irish Sea Supports F Mid-Atlantic Ocean, F Kiel Hold, A
Liverpool Hold, A London – Gascony,
F
Mid-Atlantic Ocean Convoys A London – Gascony, A Munich – Burgundy, F
Picardy - Belgium (*Bounce*).
France
(Robert Jewett – Robert_Jewett “of” navyfederal.org and robertjewett “of”
yahoo.com):
F Marseilles - Spain(sc), A Paris -
Brest (*Fails*), F Portugal - Mid-Atlantic Ocean (*Fails*),
A
Ruhr - Munich (*Bounce*).
Italy
(Jimmy Cowie – jcowie “of” madasafish.com): F Ionian Sea - Aegean Sea
(*Fails*),
F
Tunis - North Africa, A Tyrolia Supports A Ruhr - Munich (*Cut*), A
Venice Supports A Tyrolia,
F Western Mediterranean Supports F Tunis - North Africa.
Russia
(Mike Oliveri – oliverima “of” aol.com): F Ankara Supports A Sevastopol –
Armenia,
F
Baltic Sea - Berlin (*Fails*), A Berlin - Munich (*Bounce*), F Black
Sea Supports A Constantinople,
A
Bohemia - Tyrolia (*Fails*), A Bulgaria Supports A Serbia – Greece, A
Constantinople Supports A Bulgaria,
A
Sevastopol – Armenia, A Silesia - Bohemia (*Fails*), A Warsaw - Ukraine.
Turkey
(Eric Knibb – eric_knibb “of” blueyonder.co.uk): F Aegean Sea - Greece
(*Fails*),
A
Smyrna - Armenia (*Fails*).
Tim’s
orders were submitted by proxy by Russia, at Tim’s request. I am still hoping to get a new email address
for him shortly. But in the meantime,
Jim Burgess (jfburgess “of”
gmail.com) remains the designated standby
who will submit orders should Tim fail to do so or fail to approve a proxy for
the season.
Fall/Winter
1905 Deadline is October 27th 2009 at 7:00am my time
PRESS
No
press? You all suck.
Diplomacy
“Albion” from Strange Meeting, Fall/Winter 1904
AUSTRIA-HUNGARY (Douglas Kent): F(Tun) s TURKISH F(ION) - TYS (MISORDER); A(Tyr) -
Ven; A(Tri) s A(Tyr) - Ven; A(Ser) s A(Tri); A(Vie) s A(Tri) (CUT); A(War)
Stands u/o
ENGLAND (Jeremy Tullett): F(NWG) - NTH (FAILED);
A(Lpl) - Yor; F(Edi) s A(Lpl) - Yor
FRANCE (Mark Stretch): F(IRI) s A(Wal) - Lpl; A(Wal) - Lpl; F(MAO) - WMS; A(Gas) - Spa; A(Pie) s
GERMAN A(Mun) - Tyr
GERMANY (Toby Harris): A(Swe) s A(Nwy); A(Nwy) s RUSSIAN A(StP); F(SKA) s
F(NTH); F(NTH) Stands; A(Yor) - Lon; A(Mun) - Tyr; A(Gal) - Vie (FAILED)
ITALY (Mog Firth): F(TYS) - Nap (FAILED);
A(Rom) - Nap (FAILED); F(ADS) c A(Ven) - Alb (MISORDER); A(Alb) Stands u/o
RUSSIA (Robin ap Cynan): A(Lvn) - Mos (FAILED);
A(StP) s A(Lvn) - Mos
TURKEY (Ian Pringle): F(ION) - Gre; F(AEG) s
F(ION) - Gre; F(EMS) - ION; A(Mos) s AUSTRIAN A(War) (CUT); A(Bul) Stands;
A(Ukr) s A(Mos)
Autumn 1904 Adjustments:
A: +Tun, +Ven, Tri, Ser, Vie,
+War, Rum, Bud, -Gre = 8; Gains 2.
E: Edi -StP,
-Lpl = 1; Loses 2.
F: +Lpl, Spa, Mar, Por, Bre,
Par = 6; Gains 1.
G: +Swe, +Nwy, Lon, Bel, Den, Hol, Mun, Ber, Kie = 9; Gains 2.
I: Rom, Nap -Ven, -Tun = 2;
Loses 2.
R: +StP
-Nwy, -War, -Swe = 1; Loses 2.
T: +Gre, Mos, Bul, Sev, Con, Ank,
Smy = 7; Gains 1.
Builds/Disbands:
A: Builds A(Bud).
1 Build centre short.
E: Removes F(NWG),
A(Yor).
F: Builds F(Mar).
G: Builds A(Mun),
A(Ber).
I: Removes A(Alb),
F(TYS).
R: Removes A(Lvn).
T: Builds F(Con).
Press:
Russia-World: Goodbye cruel monsters… early bath for me!
Troy: Priam looked at the large wooden horse standing in the early
morning light. “Hmmm”, he thought, “I always fear tobys bearing gifts”.
Deadline is October 23
- Remember: Orders go to Stephen Agar!!!
“Dulcinea”
Diplomacy Bourse
Billy Ray Valentine: Still in lockup.
Duke of York: Sells 300 Marks,
500 Lira. Buys 691
Crowns.
Smaug the Dragon: Sell 500 Crowns,
500 Pounds. Buy 500 Lire, 500 Francs.
Rothschild: Sells 333
Lire. Buys 159 Marks and 128 Piastre.
Baron Wuffet: Lost in a
labyrinth.
Wooden Nickel
Enterprises:
Sells 500 Pounds, 500 Rubles. Buys 1161 Lire.
VAIONT Enterprises: Busy, busy, busy.
Insider Trading LLC: Under indictment.
Next Bourse Deadline is October 26th 2009 at 7:00pm my time
PRESS
No press? You guys suck.
Deviant Dip II –
“Black Licorice” – 2009Brc08 – Fall 1902
Drance (Jim Burgess
– jfburgess “of” gmail.com with Don Williams ordering units): Picardy H,
Gulf of Lyon H, Burgundy H, Spain H, Marseilles H, Sardinia H.
England (Russell Blau
– russblau “of” imapmail.org): Belgium s North Sea – Holland, North Sea – Holland,
Wales – Irish Sea, English Channel S Belgium,
Norway S Sweden(OTM), Ireland – Ionian Sea.
Vermany (Pete
Gaughan – raptormage “of” astound.net): Berlin – Belgium, Munich – Moscow,
Ruhr – Rome, Kiel s M Berlin
– Belgium (Impossible), Iceland - North Atlantic
Italy (John David
Galt – jdg “of” diogenes.sacramento.ca.us): Apulia - Adriatic Sea, Venice – Tuscany,
Naples - Tyrrhenian Sea,
Ionian Sea H, Sicily supports Ionian Sea.
Austria (John Walker - jwalker150 “of”
hotmail.com):
Serbia – Saint
Petersburg (Impossible and ordered twice),
Greece Unordered (ret Albania, Gulf of Bothina, OTB)
Galacia – Moscow
(Impossible, retreat Bohemia, Silesia, Finland, OTB),
Serbia
– Edinburgh
(Impossible and ordered twice), Budapest – London (Impossible),
Trieste
– Liverpool (Impossible), Corsica Unordered (destroyed, no retreat
possible).
Nussia (Mark D Lew –
markdlew “of” earthlink.net): Galicia retreats to Gascony..
Gascony S
Bulgaria – Greece, Cyprus - Cyprus Air, Sweden – Spain, Rumania – Galicia,
Warsaw S Rumania – Galicia, Ukraine – Sevastopol,
Constantinople - Corsica.
Turkey (Jason
Bergmann – jasonbergmann “of” gmail.com): Bulgaria – Greece,
Aegean S Bulgaria – Greece,
Crete S Constantinople – Corsica, Sevastopol – Rumania, Eastern Med – Ionian.
RP’s (Rule #21): John Walker - 1; Russell
Blau - 2; Jim Burgess - 4; Pete Gaughan - 0; John David Galt - 2; Mark D Lew - 3;
Jason Bergmann - 2.
Official Standby
Players, as needed:
Jack McHugh (jwmchughjr
“of” gmail.com), Hugh Polley (hapolley “of” yahoo.ca).
Initial Supply
Center Chart
Drance Brest,
Marseilles, Munich, Paris, Portugal, Spain, Sardinia=7 Build 1
England Belgium,
Edinburgh, Liverpool, London, Norway, Holland, Ireland=7 Build 1
Vermany Berlin,
Denmark, Kiel, Moscow, Rome, Iceland=6 Build
1
Italy Naples,
Tunis, Venice, Sicily=4 Remove
1
Austria Budapest,
Serbia, Trieste, Vienna=4 Even
Nussia Constantinople,
St Petersburg, Sweden, Warsaw, Sevastopol,
Corsica, Cyprus=7 Even
Turkey Ankara,
Bulgaria, Smyrna, Greece, Crete, Rumania=6 Build
1
Votes
by Nation:
Drance: 4 Yes on #31, 5
Yes on #32.
England: 1 Yes on #29, 1 No
on #33, 1 Yes on #38, 1 Yes on #28, 1 No on #31, 1 No on #34, 1 No on #36, 1 No
on #37.
Vermany: 2 Yes for #34, 1
Yes for #35, 1 Yes for #36, 1 Yes for #38.
Italy: 1 Yes on #27, 1
Yes on #28, 1 No on #33, 1 No on #38, 1 Yes on #34.
Austria: 7 Yes for #38.
Nussia: 1 No on #27, 1 No
on #28, 2 No on #29, 1 No on #35, 3 Yes on #34, 1 No on #38.
Turkey: 1 No on #29, 1 No
on #33, 1 No on #35, 1 Yes on #37, 2 Yes on #38.
|
Rule |
Yes |
No |
Net
Votes |
# of
Players Voting No |
Pass/Fail |
|
#27 - Secret Ballot |
1 |
1 |
0 |
1 |
Fail |
|
#28 - Invisibility Spells |
2 |
1 |
1 |
1 |
Pass |
|
#29 - Musical Chairs |
1 |
4 |
-3 |
3 |
Fail |
|
#30 - British Naval Dominance |
0 |
Fail |
|||
|
#31 - Take Over the Dulcinea |
4 |
1 |
3 |
1 |
Pass |
|
#32 - Take Over Eternal Sunshine |
5 |
5 |
Pass |
||
|
#33 - Muzzle the Lawyers |
3 |
-3 |
3 |
Fail |
|
|
#34 - Snowball Fighting! |
5 |
1 |
4 |
1 |
Pass |
|
#35 - Too Sirius |
1 |
2 |
-1 |
2 |
Fail |
|
#36 - In Democracy Flagrante |
1 |
1 |
0 |
1 |
Fail |
|
#37 - Strict Construction Good, Judicial Activism Bad |
1 |
1 |
0 |
1 |
Fail |
|
#38 - Scrambled Eggs |
11 |
3 |
8 |
2 |
Pass |
Winter 1902 Deadline is October 26th at 7:00pm my time
This turn will include proposals, builds/removals, and scrambles!
Passed
Rule Proposals:
Rule #1 - More Deviant Rule
(Proposed by Jason Bergmann). Paragraphs (5), (7), and
(8) of the Deviant Diplomacy II variant rules are repealed and replaced with
the following:
(1) Every Winter and Spring season, each
starting player who controlled at least one supply center at the end of the
previous Fall season may propose up to two rule changes. Such players may
choose to submit fewer than two rule proposals without consequence.
(2) Every Winter and Spring season, each
starting player who controlled no supply centers at the end of the previous
Fall season may propose up to one rule change. Such players may choose to
submit no rule proposals without consequence.
(3) Every Spring and Fall season, each
starting player has a number of votes equal to one plus the number of supply
centers the starting player controlled at the end of the previous Fall
season.
(4) Players may vote yes or no. Players may cast all of
their votes for or against any one rule proposal, or players can split yes and
no votes among multiple rule proposals. Players' votes are published.
(5) A no vote on any rule proposal cancels a yes vote. The
rule proposal receiving the most net yes votes goes into effect beginning the
next season. If more than one rule proposal tie
for the most net yes votes, then all tied rules go into effect beginning the
next season. The rule proposal (or proposals) will go into effect even if
the net yes votes are zero or negative.
(6) In addition to any rule proposals that go into effect under
paragraph (5), additional rule proposals may also go into effect beginning the
next season, if such proposals receive one or more net yes votes and if such
proposals do not receive no votes from at least two
different players.
(7) If two or more rule proposals would go into effect on the same
turn but conflict explicitly or implicitly with each other, then both rules are
null and void.
(8) The phrase "starting player" refers to the seven
players who started this game, plus any standby player who succeeds the
position of a starting player in this game. The word "player"
includes all starting players and all other persons who enter the game as a
result of the passage of additional rules.
(9) This rule may be amended or repealed only by any rule proposal
going into effect under paragraph (5). Any rule proposal going into
effect under paragraph (6) that amends or repeals this rule, or which conflicts
explicitly or implicitly with the terms of this rule, will have no effect.
Rule #8 - "Barbarian Hordes, or the Excess
Profits Tax." (Proposed by John David Galt). When any
power captures three or more supply centers (which he did not already own) in a
single fall season, neutral armies known as "Barbarian Hordes" are
immediately built in half of those centers (rounded down), selected at random
by the GM. This happens before the owner can build.
Once at least one Barbarian Horde exists on the board, player(s) may spend any
or all of their rule votes to attempt to give an order to a Barbarian
Horde. Each Horde follows the order to it that gets the most votes.
If a Horde receives no orders, it is in disorder and holds.
If two or more orders to a Horde get the same number of votes, the tied orders
are cancelled and Horde obeys the non-tied order with the most votes, even if
that is a smaller number of votes than the tied orders got.
Barbarian Hordes are amphibious -- they can move to any land space as if they
were armies, and to any water space as if they were fleets. They cannot
convoy or be convoyed. They can support and be supported. They cannot
retreat, and are destroyed if dislodged -- but that is the only way to destroy
them, because they do not need supply.
If a Barbarian Horde occupies a supply center after a Fall
turn, that center becomes unowned. However, a newly built Barbarian Horde
does not affect the ownership of its starting location in the Fall turn in which it is built.
When a Barbarian Horde is built, the unit which captured that space is destroyed
(thus allowing the owner to rebuild it normally in the Winter
turn immediately afterward, if he holds enough centers).
Rule #13 – “The Duck
Escapes Rule” (Proposed by Don Williams): Due to inept
leadership, poor press writing, and insufficient cerebral bandwidth the French
Republic under Don “Le Duc” Guillaume is swept away in a monstrously effective
coup d’etat. A new government and extremely popular government – to be
headed by the extraordinarily handsome, exceptionally erudite, and
press-prolific James “Le Burgess du L’Isle du Rhodes” Burgess – is immediately
installed. Tragically, as “Le Duc” is dragged straightforward to the
guillotine for his just come-uppance, he is permanently unavailable to be
re-called into this travesty of a dip game.
Rule #14 - Duck Williams Heart of Darkness Rule (Proposed by Jim
Burgess): While Don Williams may be "out of the
game" one can never be OUT of this game. Two new Provinces in Africa
are created by this rule, accessed from Belgium (for obvious reasons) and
London. Belgium now also is attached to the Upper River province, which
in turn is attached to the Lower River Province, which in turn is attached to
London. Only Fleets may enter this "river pathway" between
London and Belgium, convoys may be made through it if two fleets are in
it. The first fleet entering this pathway is forever afterward dubbed
"Marlow's Steamship" (again for obvious reasons) and that player
shall then document to the GM (via CC or other means) E-Mails, phone calls,
text messages, Facebook/Twitter postings etc. to Don Williams where they
say "The horror, the horror!" Besides driving Don nuts,
Marlow's Steamship shall never be able to be dislodged or removed in the game
(regardless of whether it has a supporting supply center) as long as the GM (in
his infinite wisdom of how to bug people) views that the owner of Marlow's
Steamship has sufficiently bugged Don that month. [[For the basis of this rule “fleet” now
refers to “marine unit.”]]
Rule #15 - Habsburg Relocation Act (Proposed by Mark
D. Lew): Besieged by enemies on all
sides, the Habsburg emperor pleads to Heaven for deliverance! Heaven answers, and the core of the empire is removed from Europe
and transplanted to a paradise island in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean.
The four spaces of Vie, Bud, Tri, and Ser are transplanted: They are no longer
adjacent to Boh, Gal, Rum, Bul, Gre, Alb, Adr, Ven, or Tyo. They are each
adjacent to Mid (and thus have a coast now). They
retain their normal adjacency with respect to each other. Any units currently
occupying those spaces are transplanted with them. The area where those spaces
used to be is now a large impassable void.
[[Vie, Bud, Tri, and Ser will each have only one coast, and will still
be known by their original names.]]
Rule #16 - Drench the Vermin! (Proposed by Mark D. Lew): France,
Russia and Germany are renamed Drance, Nussia, and Verminy.
Whenever reporting game results, GM must list countries in the following order:
Drance, England, Verminy, Italy, Austria, Nussia,
Turkey.
Rule #17 - "Teleport Gates" (Proposed by
John David Galt): The North Atlantic becomes
adjacent to the Eastern Med. The Gulf of
Bothnia becomes adjacent to the Western Med.
Galicia becomes adjacent to Burgundy.
Rule #19 – “Marines” (Proposed
by John Walker): All units are made into units called Marines. Marines can move on Land, Water or by Air. Marines have no movement restrictions if by
air. Air Movement takes 2 turns to
complete, either a spring-fall or a fall-spring. [[By this rule, there are no longer
convoys. Coasts are no longer necessary
to specify, as the Marine units may move by land and sea. Movements by air must be specified as “by
air” or “via air.” Destinations of air
movements will not be revealed to the rest of the board until the 2nd
turn, although the player MUST specify the destination with the original order;
if you order Moscow – Paris via air, the first adjudication will merely state
Moscow – Moscow Air. The next
adjudication will report Moscow Air – Paris.
If the landing fails due to a bounce or other interference, the unit
returns to the original location the following movement season. However, if unable to land at the location of
origin because of a bounce or because it is occupied, the Marine which had attempted
the air movement is destroyed, crashing due to lack of fuel. Once a unit is in the air, the space it used
to occupy can be immediately occupied.
In the above example, Moscow would be considered unoccupied immediately,
so an uncontested move of Ukraine – Moscow would succeed even if ordered in the
same season as Moscow – Moscow Air.]]
Rule #21 - "It's All About the Rules" Rule
(Proposed by Russell Blau): Beginning
with the season this rule goes into effect, each player (as defined in the More
Deviant Rule) receives one Rule Point (RP) for each rule proposed by that
player that goes into effect. For every season in which voting takes
place, each player receives one vote for each RP they hold, in addition to all
votes provided for in other rules. Clause (9) of the Deviant Diplomacy II rules
is repealed. The Victory Condition for this game is to control a majority of
the awarded RPs, provided that no player can win the game until the total
number of RPs awarded is greater than one-half the number of supply centers in
existence.
Rule #22 - "Continent-Wide Web version 2.0"
(Proposed by Russell Blau): Every passable
space on the map is adjacent to the spaces immediately before and after it in
alphabetical order. The list wraps around, so Yorkshire is adjacent to Adriatic
Sea, and vice versa. All new coastlines created by this rule are considered to
be contiguous to existing coastlines -- so, for example, a fleet that enters
Yorkshire from the Adriatic can exist to the North Sea, and vice versa -- and
new land boundaries created by this rule do not interrupt any existing
coastlines. Each space's name is alphabetized based on how it is printed on the
official map on the copy of The Game used by the GM. In addition, at the end of
the Fall 1902 season, the GM will randomly select one
land space for each power, from among all land spaces within that power's 1901
boundaries that is (a) not a supply center and (b) not occupied by any unit,
which will immediately become a buildable home supply center for that power. [[In effect, the new adjacencies are “worm hole” passages, because they do not change any other aspects
of the board. St. Petersburg is
considered to be spelled out as Saint. I
haven’t found any, but if someone discovers before next turn that this rule
contradicts Rule #15 by making Vie, Tri, Ser, or Bud adjacent again to any of their original
neighbors, then both rules are null and void by Rule #1 clause 7. As I mentioned, I haven’t found that to be
the case, but I could be wrong. If no
such contradiction is pointed out to me by the next deadline, both rules stand
regardless.]]
Rule #23 – “Island grabbing” (Proposed by Jason Bergmann):
Effective immediately: Iceland is a German Home Center containing
a German Fleet; Ireland is an English Home Center containing an English
fleet; Corsica is an Austrian Home Center containing an
Austrian Fleet; Sardinia is a French Home Center containing a French
Fleet; Sicily is an Italian Home Center containing an Italian army; Crete is a
Turkish Home Center Containing a Turkish Fleet; Cyprus is a Russian Home Center
containing a Russian fleet. All such spaces are now passable.
The Eternal Sunshine map shall be used to determine what other spaces to which
they are adjacent. In addition, Sicily and Naples are adjacent to
each other, and Corsica and Sardinia are adjacent to each other. [[“Fleet” now refers to “Mariine.”]]
Rule #25
- The Boob Says Nay and Ducks (Proposed by Jim Burgess): Jim-Bob
has NO interest in actually playing this game, so he gives control of all
the units back to Don "The Duck" Williams. So as to
meet the criteria of the previously passed "unlucky" Rule 13, Don is
NOT actually re-called into the game. He just has to control all the
units. The Boob will retain all the voting and rule-proposing rights that
are the only reason anyone would actually want to play this insane game and
define who the actual players are. If this rule passes, the Boob (aka
Jim-Bob) can never push a piece, order a unit, or any other order writing
construct that anyone cares to propose for any power for the rest of the game. [[Don Williams will now be called on to
submit movement orders for French units.]]
Rule #28 - Invisibility
Spells (Proposed by John David Galt): Each Spring or Fall turn, each player
may spend one of his rule votes to cause one of his units to become
invisible. The unit will act normally in all respects, but its location,
and any orders to it, will be known only to its owner and the GM.
Invisibility takes effect immediately -- before the adjudication of orders on
the same turn in which it is cast -- and only ends if the unit, at the end of
any turn, is in a supply center which did not belong to the unit's owner at the
beginning of that turn. (On that turn its location is revealed but the
order, if any, it received that turn is not.) Neighboring units affected
by the invisible unit will know whether their orders succeeded or not, but will
not be told why.
Rule #31
- Take over the Dulcinea (Proposed by Jim Burgess): As
soon as this is passed (i.e. in the same issue), a "Dulcinae II" board
is created with all the players and unit positions of the Dulcinae game.
All of the Dulcinae players control their units on the Dulcinae II board as
well as the original board, but initially (until modified by future rules in
this game) cannot issue orders any differently from in Dulcinae I, their
submitted orders are also executed on Dulcinae II. Every Fall turn, each player on the Black Licorice board randomly
will have one of its units cloned onto the Dulcinae II board in the same
location and it annihilates any existing Dulcinae II unit in that space.
If the randomly chosen unit is in a "new space", the entire rule
creating that space will also be transferred to the Dulcinae II board --
otherwise all rules on the Dulcinae board are as in Standard Diplomacy (at
least for now). These units have one free game year, the unit does not
have to be in a supply center to stay on the Dulcinae II board, but after that
must support themselves by taking centers on the Dulcinae II board, centers are counted separately on each board. [[This
rule doesn’t actually take effect until ES #34, but since this rule does not do
anything to the “Dulcinae II” game until the Fall turn (which I have decided
to rule refers to the Fall turn in Black Licorice since Jim was not specific)
it makes no difference whether it starts right now or not.]]
Rule #32
- Take over Eternal Sunshine (Proposed by Jim Burgess): Rules
proposed in Black Licorice can have real effects on other games in Eternal
Sunshine. If this rule passes and subsequent Black Licorice rules pass
that affect other games, the GM/Publisher shall poll players in those games as
to whether the Deviant rule shall take effect. Any veto by any player in
the "real" Eternal Sunshine game invalidates the Black Licorice rule
for that game (rules proposed to affect multiple ES games can thus actually
only affect a subset of those games). These rules can be re-proposed, but
can cause the GM to poll players in any given Eternal Sunshine game no more
than once per Eternal Sunshine issue.
Rule #34 - Snowball
fighting! (Proposed by Mark D. Lew): During each winter season, each unit on
the board may throw a snowball at any other unit on the board. When ordering throws, the player should specify a
path of adjacent spaces, starting with the space occupied by the thrower and
ending with the space of the target. (For snowball purposes, use adjacencies
per the original map, ignoring any changes in game geography due to deviant
rules. A snowball's path may include an impassable space such as Switzerland.) The path must be reasonably straight, as
if drawing a straight line from somewhere in the one space to somewhere in the
other, but will be judged generously if it seems close enough. If a path is
clearly not straight, GM may either designate a new
path with the same start and end space or else disqualify the throw as too
preposterous.
Each snowball throw has a 1/N chance of hitting its target, where N is the
length of the path including start and end spaces. It also has 1/N chance of
hitting any unit in an intervening space along the path. Snowball throws are
ordered with winter builds, but they are resolved after builds. Newly built
units may neither throw nor be targeted, but they might be hit if they end up
in an intervening path along a throw. Units about to be disbanded may throw or
be targeted before they go, but they won't be around to get hit.
For each successful throw of length N=3 or more, the throwing player scores N
style points. No style points are scored for hitting a unit other than the
target, and no style points are scored for a throw of N=2. A player who scores
eight or more style points in a turn gets one additional vote on rule proposals
the following season. (Style points are not cumulative, and any number less
than eight garners no voting benefit.)
Snowball hits taken by a unit are cumulative and tracked from year to year.
During the winter season, any unit may, instead of throwing a snowball, be
ordered to go inside and dry off. It takes no hits that winter and its cumulative
total of hits is restored to zero. For each unit ordered to go inside and dry
off, a player gets -5 style points that winter.
Any unit which suffers 20 snowball hits is considered pummeled and is treated
as if in civil disorder for the rest of the game. It may not move or support
during spring and fall turns. It also may not throw snowballs nor go inside
during winter.
Rule #38 - Scrambled Eggs (Proposed by Jason Bergmann):
At the end of Winter 1902, after builds, all units
will be redistributed randomly among all passable spaces. Armies landing
in water will become fleets. Fleets landing in non-coastal land spaces
will become armies. In addition, supply centers will be redistributed
among all players. After such redistribution, each player will have
the same number of supply centers, but such centers will be randomly
chosen. In Spring 1903, each player may
designate three of his supply centers to be home centers. (Russia may
designate four) [[All units are now Marines, so the changes from army to fleet and vice
versa are to be ignored.]]
PRESS:
VERMINY
to RUSSIA: Damn, Mark. Proposing Snowball Fighting within a Deviant game? I
think you just won any award that might be given for meta-dipping.
This is
the all powerful EFGIATR: Is it time for milk and cookies
yet?
The Navy
to the Air Force: What happened to your jets?
From
everyone to everyone: Can we declare a draw yet?
Germany to Austria: Can we
rename you Atlantis?
St Petersburg to Stockholm: The Kremlin has received grave news
regarding the political situation in France.
Although Russia's loyal ally, Jacques-Robert de Bourgesse, remains the true and
lawful ruler of the French Republic, control of France's military forces has
been seized by a pretender masquerading as Le Duc Guillaume, the tyrant who was
publicly guillotined last fall. As you know, our treaty with France pledges
Russian forces to help preserve France against all enemies. We therefore
authorize you to mount an expeditionary force to invade France by way of Spain.
Your orders are to regain control of France from the pretender and hold French
lands in trust for the lawful government of Bourgesse.
Boob to
the All Powerful EFGIATR: We are about to become VERY deviant and
by thinking we are toast will make us more powerful than you can imagine --
this makes you decidedly NOT all powerful any more.
Switzerland to Turkey:
Go take a shower, you smell.
Austria to England:
Can we surrender to you at the same time you surrender to us?
This is
the TARDIS: We shall conquer all.
Boob to Germany: I'd be pleased to get you a
Guinness. Aren't you coming to TempleCon ((www.templecon.org)) in
Providence in February? Why not?? I'll buy you as many Guinness as
you can handle. We've not seen each other in far too long!!
VERMINY
to Deviants: I like Russ's attitude, with "all about the rules",
that in the end it's proposing and passing rules that should matter. The
problem with the rule is that now the folks who are Too Sirius about the board
will become Too Sirius about the rules, messing up the messing-up process for
those of us who have our priorities straight. The question is,
can we take the game seriously enough long enough to repeal #21?
(Berlin)
to (Germany): You dork.
England to everyone: On second thought,
we don't surrender to Austria after all. Instead,
we surrender to Italy. Please have your
emissaries bring pasta and Chianti, especially the Chianti, for the signing ceremony, and
maybe some Limoncello for after.
(Germany)
to (Berlin): I've never dorked in my life!!
Black
Press Gunboat, “Maple Sugar,” 2009Crb32, Fall 1901
Austria: A Galicia - Vienna (*Bounce*), A
Serbia - Bulgaria (*Bounce*), F Trieste - Venice (*Bounce*).
England: A Edinburgh – Norway, F North Sea Convoys
A Edinburgh – Norway,
F
Norwegian Sea Supports A Edinburgh - Norway.
France: A Burgundy – Ruhr, F English Channel
Supports A Picardy – Belgium, A Picardy - Belgium.
Germany: F Holland - Helgoland Bight, A Kiel – Denmark, A Ruhr - Kiel.
Italy: F Ionian Sea - Greece (*Bounce*), A
Rome - Venice (*Bounce*), A Tyrolia - Vienna (*Bounce*).
Russia: F Gulf of Bothnia – Sweden, F Rumania
- Sevastopol (*Bounce*), A St Petersburg - Norway (*Fails*),
A
Ukraine - Sevastopol (*Bounce*).
Turkey: F Black Sea - Sevastopol
(*Bounce*), A Bulgaria - Greece (*Bounce*),
A
Constantinople - Bulgaria (*Bounce*).
Supply Center Chart:
Austria:
Budapest, Serbia, Trieste, Vienna=4, Build 1
England:
Edinburgh, Liverpool, London, Norway=4, Build 1
France:
Belgium, Brest, Marseilles,
Paris=4, Build 1
Germany:
Berlin, Denmark, Kiel, Munich=4, Build 1
Italy:
Naples, Rome, Venice=3, Even
Russia:
Moscow, Rumania, Sevastopol, St Petersburg, Sweden, Warsaw=6, Build 2
Turkey:
Ankara, Bulgaria, Constantinople, Smyrna=4, Build 1
Unowned:
Greece, Holland, Portugal, Spain, Tunis.
Winter 1901/Spring 1902 Deadline is October 27th 2009 at 7:00am my
time
PRESS:
Sou - England/Germany: I
realized I couldn't satisfy both of you this time (tant pis), so rather
than upset one of my petits garçons, I chasséed
in from Picardy. xx
Sou - English lover: Hope you
pressed on and didn't come back to London: I was
telling the truth. x
Turkey -
Austria: You are quite quick in declaring war. Frankly speaking, I cannot see why I need
your support for my A Bul. And A War - Mos in 1901
would be suicide for R.
T - F: Je ne
comprends pas ce que vous voulez dire.
Sou - German Liebling: If I'm in
Ruhr, I'll soon be gone. x
Russia
to Turkey: nothing will be built in Sevastopol
if your fleet has retreated from the black sea. in
gratitude and kindness, Russia
Germany to France: I figured that it would be
unreasonable for me to go for Belgium so i decided to not contest it. I presume you made it! I would like to suggest that Bel,Bur form the border between France and Germany. I shall have to take any attempted move to
Hol,Ruhr,Mun as an act of war.
Austria: Russia moved to Rum with a
fleet so ser-bul may cut support. Italy is
now at war with Austria so long as Tyr is occupied. Turkey: take Greece with Fleet and I will support same. Germany lets unite to kick Italy out of Tyr in Spring. France want Rome Napl, move to pie, then tus or support me into
Ven. I will then support you into Rome,
nap. AH moves ser-bul, gal-vie, tri-ven.
England - Austria /
Turkey: I shall go no farther than Moscow. You two know what you have to do...
Austrian aristocracy to Charles: We
are quite put out by your recent letter to the neighboring nations. we simply do not have the man power to do as you have
threatened. those barbarous Italians have
already ransacked our Tyrolean banks. I fear that the Italians alone could
butcher us not to mention the aggressive move toward Russia which may, as the
commoners say, have "pissed 'em off royally!" As my wise father would
say "you don't fit your unterhossen!"
Russia to Italy: I believe we both have common thoughts about the
Austrians, THEY NEED A SPANKY!
Shall we join in the fun?
Sou to Depressed British Officer: Oui!
O! How funny, I believe we have caught you with your pants down!
Germany to World: I shall take any intrusion into
German territory as an act of war.
Sou
- Italian amore: Building in Marseilles but heading
west, do not fret (do you like Munchy too?). x
Italy to Austria: You sir are no gentleman
Sou - Russian Roué:
Your free spirit sets me all a-slither. Let's get together and
discuss...caviar, gravlax, jellied eels! X
England - France: I'm going on faith here; hopefully my faith is not misplaced.
Germany - France: Back OFF!
France -> Italy:
Munich! Munich! Munich!
Sou - Austrian martinet: My, but you
are so domineering. I could soften your steel, peut-être? k
By
Popular Demand
Credit goes to Ryk Downes, I believe, for
inventing this. The goal is to pick
something that fits the category and will be the "most popular"
answer. You score points based on the number of entries that match yours. For
example, if the category is "Cats" and the responses were 7 for
Persian, 3 for Calico and 1 for Siamese, everyone who said Persian would get 7
points, Calico 3 and the lone Siamese would score 1 point. The cumulative total
over 10 rounds will determine the overall winner. Anyone may enter at any
point, starting with an equivalent point total of the lowest cumulative score
from the previous round. If a person misses a round, they'll receive the
minimum score from the round added to their cumulative total. In
each round you may specify one of your answers as your Joker answer. Your
score for this answer will be doubled.
In other words, if you apply your Joker to category 3 on a given turn,
and 4 other people give the same answer as you, you get 10 points instead of
5. Players who fail to submit a Joker
for any specific turn will have their Joker automatically applied to the first
category. And, if you want to submit some commentary with your answers, feel
free to. The game will consist of 10
rounds. A prize will be awarded to the
winner. Research is permitted!
Round 10 Categories
