December 2013

By Douglas Kent 911 Irene Drive, Mesquite, TX 75149

Email: diplomacyworld@yahoo.com or dougray30@yahoo.com

On the web at http://www.whiningkentpigs.com – or go directly to the Diplomacy section at http://www.whiningkentpigs.com/DW/. Also be sure to visit the official Diplomacy World website which can be found at http://www.diplomacyworld.net.

All Eternal Sunshine readers are encouraged to join the free Eternal Sunshine Yahoo group at http://games.groups.yahoo.com/group/eternal_sunshine_diplomacy/ to stay up-to-date on any subzine news or errata. We also have our own Eternal Sunshine Twitter feed at http://www.twitter.com/EternalSunshDip, and a Facebook group at http://www.facebook.com/?ref=logo#!/group.php?gid=112223650909

Check out my new Internet radio station, “Music You Should Know,” at www.live365.com/stations/musicyoushouldknow

Quote Of The Month – “Our files are confidential Mr. Barish, so we can't show you any evidence.” (Howard in “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”)

Welcome to Eternal Sunshine, the only Diplomacy zine that currently has a 7x7 Gunboat opening. That’s right, in Peter Sullivan’s subzine Octopus’ Garden he has a game opening in a 7x7 Gunboat Tournament. And as of this moment he still has spots available, which I find amazing considering how often ES readers ask if I’m going to run another soon. Go sign up for his!

I really don’t have much to say this issue. I started work on a new writing project but barely got started before I lost momentum. I saved it though, so perhaps I’ll work on it some more. I am also expecting some edits on my prison book from an author friend; she seems to think the book is liable to find a publisher if I make these edits and then shop it around. I have my doubts.

I was going to offer a new variant or two this issue but have decided to hold off until the holidays pass; African Dip and/or Colonia VII-B are the most likely choices, so if you have an interest you can reserve a spot now even without the games being listed.

Besides Peter Sullivan, we have a subzine from Sack McHugh and two issues of The Abyssinian Prince as Jim-Bob frantically tries to convince us that he’s still publishing. We know better, don’t we?

A few of you started participating in the 21 TV Series challenge and then dropped. If you want to get caught up, email me and I’ll let you know how many shows you owe. I look forward to compiling the Master List when it’s all over, to see what names came up most often.

Well, enjoy Thanksgiving, Christmas, or whatever holidays you celebrate in your house. Be sure to overeat. It’s good for the economy. Watch the upcoming deadline; send orders early to avoid holiday conflicts. And note the final deadline is a MONDAY this time, as it always is when the last day of the month is a Tuesday. So don’t miss it! See you in 2014!

Playlist: Is This a Cool World or What? - Karla DaVito; Best Live – Huun-Huur-Tu; Late Bloomer – Hannah Holbrook; I Can’t Stand Still – Don Henley.

An Eternal Sunshine List Challenge

The late – and much missed – Richard Walkerdine is the one who suggested this topic for the next Eternal Sunshine list challenge. The basis is simple: you submit three TV series per month, over the next seven months, along with any commentary you would like to attach to your choices. In the end you’ll have 21 selections! There is not mean t to be a specific order to your choices; you’re not ranking them from best to 21^st best. Also, the category of “best” in this instance should mean something like “most enjoyable” rather than “most influential.” Finally, you should consider within the context of your choices whether the series holds up in any way…in other words, if you are listing it as one of the 21 best, could you sit down and watch episodes now and enjoy them?

Non-U.S. television series are – of course – welcome. (Many modern American series were reworked versions of English series anyway). To qualify as a “series” the show must have aired at least six episodes. All genres are welcome: comedy, horror, suspense, detective, science fiction…anything you like. Oh, and if the series has multiple incarnations (as many of the more popular science fiction series do, for example) specify which one you mean. You can list multiples, but they each take up a spot on your list…and you only get 21! I am offering prizes: two of the respondents who submit a full complement of 21 TV series will be selected at random for prizes. So to win, all you have to do is play.

Next issue: The next set of three TV series from each of you (plus 3 more for each round you have missed), and from me. Remember: These are not meant to be placed in order by you, from top to bottom, unless you want to do that for some reason. And since you only have to submit three series per issue, I hope you’ll give some explanation of why you chose each one.

Geoff Kemp: Bewitched, The X-Files, Mork & Mindy

John Wilman: Those TV shows - maybe I should have reserved a few places. Not for the nominations of others - I have my own, quirky tastes - but but for "rivals" in categories that I had not previously considered.

The UK has produced many fine comedies, including Blackadder and Fawlty Towers, but my vote goes to Father Ted. The setting of three Catholic priests sharing a house on a remote Irish island seems unpromising, but somehow it works. One is an eejit, another an alcoholic, while their leader is a visionary doomed to disappointment - with nary a cosy semi or a downstairs loo to be seen.

Next up is Lovejoy, based on the books by Jonathan Gash, which had two long and popular runs. The hero is a dodgy antiques dealer who is a brilliant forger and also a "divvy" - one with the gift of recognising a genuine antique just by being in its presence (heart racing - sweaty palms - that sort of thing. I would think that I was having a heart attack!)

He is also, in no particular order, an ex-con, hopeless with money, and a magnet for women and trouble. The plots are always ingenious, but it's the scams that have me hooked, especially the old switcherooni - works every time.

Lovejoy is a comedy thriller - people do sometimes die - and the same could be said about my 3rd and final nomination this time around, namely Jonathan Creek. He lives in a windmill, and his expertise as technical assistant to a stage magician enables him to solve mysteries that have baffled everybody else. So far, so weird. But this is also a very moral fable. Crimes are committed for reasons of money and sexual jealousy - our hero is somehow immune to both - and no sin ever seems to go unpunished. It is spooky, as befits Halloween, but in a nice way.

Kevin Wilson: Somewhat staying with my sci fi/fantasy genre kick, this time I'll put LOST on my list. My wife and I stumbled across this one from the beginning. I had read of it before it started and she happened to watch the first episode with me. Generally we do not like the same stuff, she's into reality TV and I'm for the scripted variety but we both got hooked on LOST from the start. So much so, we stopped trying to schedule time to watch and would just wait until the season DVD came out then mainline a whole season. While I'm like most and was disappointed with how it ended, it was a fun ride getting there.

I grew up in Southeast Missouri, a very rural part of the state. We always seemed to be a bit behind the times and there was certainly a "country" slant to most of the entertainment my parents had in the house when I was growing up. One of the shows we did watch that is terribly corny now but still brings back fond memories was Hee-Haw. I still remember "BR-549", "I'm a pickin' and I'm a grinnin'", and the one guy who told backwards stories in the barbershop. The cornfield sketches were funny too. I doubt it's held up that well but it was influential in its day.

Finally, for this issue, one that I do remember watching as much as I could and finding very entertaining was LA Law. Over time the appeal did lessen but the early seasons were entertaining and very well done. Perhaps a Sorkin-esque show before Sorkin did shows. I thought the characters were well done, the dialog too. And the office politics of a small but influential LA law firm made for good drama, at least to me.

Andy Lischett: 13. Jeopardy - Despite Alex Trebeck.

14. Rocky & Bullwinkle, or whatever the show was named. I don't remember much, but one favorite scene was when Boris and Natasha were disguised as Grizzled Old Prospectors and Natasha came up to Rocky and said, "Pardner, dahlink."

15. The Alfred Hitchcock Hour - The story was usually good but even if it was bad, this was fun just to see Alfred Hitchcock introduce commercials.

Heather Taylor: Awkward, Twin Peaks, Orange is the New Black

Andy York: Rome, The Adventures of the Young Indiana Jones, Quantum Leap

Andy Bate: OMG, how have we only got nine picks left? I hadn't been working out a list in advance, but this time I went through all of the prior selections, looking for ideas of 'new' series to watch. That set me to thinking about which ones I might pick that someone else had already mentioned. And those that hadn't yet been mentioned. And now I have at least seventeen to choose from. I think I might go elitist and pick only those no-one else has already selected (as far as I can remember), which will at least ensure that the complete ES list is as diverse as possible.

So, having already alluded to it with my comment at the end of the NFL chat above, the first one this week has to be Soap. I used to love watching this programme, but the scheduling over here in the UK was awful, with it on late at night but never at the same time each week. Maybe it was all too weird for the commercial channel (ITV) that I seem to remember it appearing on. But what was not to love? Surreal characters playing out surreal lives with surreal storylines. The Tates and The Campbells. And, of course, Benson. Affairs, alien abduction, demonic possession, murder, kidnapping, Chuck's dummy (Bob), the Latin American revolutionary El Puerco and the "Sunnies". "Confused? You won't be, after this week's episode of...Soap."

From an old oddball American series to a couple of old and distinctively British series.

Bergerac starred John Nettles as the title character, Detective Sergeant Jim Bergerac, a detective in Le Bureau des Étrangers ("The Foreigners' Office", a fictional department for dealing with non-Jersey residents), part of the States of Jersey Police. Jim Bergerac was a complex character who was presented by the series as a somewhat unorthodox cop. He was recovering from alcoholism, partly resulting from an unpleasant divorce. With an interesting assortment of characters around him, including some of the island's tax exile millionaires, and some unsavoury criminals, plus the lovely scenery that Jersey provides, it proved a massive hit with viewers, including me. I still watch the re-runs whenever I get the chance.

And from a loveable rogue of a cop move forward a few years to a loveable rogue of an antiques dealer, Lovejoy. This comedy-drama series was based on the picaresque novels by John Grant (written under the pen name Jonathan Gash) and adapted for television by Ian La Frenais. The series concerns the adventures of the eponymous Lovejoy, played by Ian McShane, a likeable but roguish antiques dealer based in East Anglia. Within the trade, he has a reputation as a "divvie", a person with an almost supernatural powers for recognising exceptional items as well as distinguishing genuine antique from clever fakes or forgeries. Each epsiode usally involved Lovejoy and his cronies getting themselves into a pickle involving one or more antiques and then getting themselves out of said pickle by the end of the episode. The first four series featured Phyllis Logan as a posh bird who found herself drawn into Lovejoy's circle, while the latter two series had Caroline Langrishe as the female interest in her role of auction house manager. Another programme that I am happy to catch whenever it's on, even if Lovejoy was responsible for David Dickinson making it onto our TV screens.

Dane Maslen: At least this time no one has mentioned any series that should have been on my short list but wasn't, though unfortunately one person's selections did cause me to remember one. I think I now have about 14 series fighting for the 21st place on the list.

Anyway, onto this issue's trio. Again no linking factor (though quite by chance they were originally all going to start with 'M' but as I'm currently on holiday and apparently don't have access to either my PC or my memory, one of them will have to wait until next issue), they're just series that I have to include while there's still time.

The World at War: Heath Gardner's comments are spot on. As a Brit, I had the advantage of seeing it as a teenager when it first aired. It made a lasting impression on me and I have watched re-runs on at least two occasions. It was missing from my original list but did occur to me a couple of months ago, at which point it claimed one of the remaining places.

Mission Impossible: "Your mission, Jim, should you choose to accept it, is to be the lead character in such a good TV series that one day it will attract the attention of Hollywood moguls who will buy the rights but then, being Hollywood moguls, completely misunderstand what made the TV series so good and go on to produce a series of films full of chase scenes and special effects that have no resemblance whatsoever to the TV series other than the title."

And now for something completely different: Monty Python's Flying Circus. Yes, some of the sketches are silly and didn't really work, but there are enough gems to compensate for that.

Jack McHugh: 1. Mystery Science Theater 3000.....completely hoaky show about a janitor stuck on a space station forced to watch bad movies by evil scientist...can't get back cause he used space ship to make "robot friends"....yes it is a silly as it sounds but loads of fun to watch....still miss it it..

2. F Troop....take off on cowboy series that were in their heyday in the 1960's...Gunsmoke, Bonaza, the Rifleman, etc., etc...gotta love the scheming NCO's Forret Tucker's Sgt. O'Rourke and Larry Storch's Corporal Agarn, the hapless Ken Berry as Captain Parmenter with Melody Patterson who moons over the Captain as Wrangler Jane and the completely pacific Hekawi Indian tribe led by Cheif Wild Eagle who really works for Sgt Tucker and Cpl Agran's various money making schemes...

Berry is great at the physical pratfalls of the role...i also like the constant refusal of the Hekawis do anything the least bit militaristic as they are asked to stir up trouble from time to time to prevent F Troop from being sent to as O'Rouke says "where they have actual hostile Indians that might actually have to fight"...and the way Wild Eagle is always claiming their tribe name always means something peaceful like "Hekawi" means "we're lost as in 'where the heck are we?'"

3. Keeping up Appearences...another BBC series about a social climbing member of the working class Hyceinth Bucket (pronouced "Bouquet") who is constantly trying to prove she is worth of being a member of Britian's aristocracy by giving dinner parties and constantly volunteering so she'll look good to the local notables while hiding her working class family from the neighbors.....

Patricia Routledge is a scream as the scheaming Hyencith, Clive Swift as the forever burden husband, Richard, Judy Cornwall as Daisy married to Onslow Geoffery Hughes, who have a resonable happy marriage considering Onslow is known by everyone as "bone idle", Mary Miller as Rose, Hyencith's husband hunting sister, rarely do we see Hyencith's father, referred to as "Daddy" but we always hear about the trouble he's getting into as in "Daddy climbed out of the bedroom window and escaped wearing nothing but his robe...we need you to help look for him Hyencith..." George Webb plays Daddy in about 12 episodes but he almost never has a speaking role....

Dick Martin: this time, shows i still remember from when i was a kid and still refer to now:

speed racer - mostly silly, but still cool in so many ways. great villains (snake oiler!), great heroes (speed, racer x, inspector detector!), crazy cars, family values, and a chimp in overalls. what's not to love! (i liked the movie, too, fwiw)

ultraman - fun japanese take on superman. why does he always wait until it's desperate before using his best weapons?!

the flintstones - an accessible kid version of the honeymooners. i always loved their prehistoric versions of current technology. (the movie, not so good. except for the theme song by the bc-52s)

Paraic Reddington: QI - I love the high/low brow combination in this show. Laugh yourself smarter!

Blackadder - The first series was very average but since then it was excellent every time.

Cosmos - Who could listen to Carl Sagan's narration and not be instilled with genuine awe at the universe?

Heath Gardner: 13. The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. Somehow I managed to get away with specializing in satire to get my master's degree, and in my opinion, he's going to be as historically interesting a satirist as Juvenal if we make it another few hundred years. Yes, there's a liberal bias to it (which I enjoy) but even if you lean to the right, Stewart does it night after night after night after night.... as a writer, I am in total awe of him and his team of writers. Everyone knows what this show is, but if you've been living under a rock, it's a news satire show in the form of "Weekend Update" but much better.

14. Chappelle's Show. Almost up there with Juvenal. Chappelle fearlessly took on racial issues and made hilarious fun of them, and unfortunately, people not understanding his message was the reason for his ending the show. White frat guys yelling "Niggar family!" (a sketch) at him as he's randomly walking down the street, for example. I don't blame him for quitting. But his show is 2 solid seasons of some of the best comedy you will EVER see.

15. Judge Mathis. I have discovered this guy while being laid up with a broken leg, forced into the dull and boring world of daytime TV. My question: who is this guy? How did he get this show? He seems to think every case before him as a joke, he's like the anti-Judge Judy.

Douglas Kent: Three quirky comedies this time around, all rather short-lived.

Get a Life – Starring Chris Elliott fresh from Late Night with David Letterman. This was a surreal comedy, a bit ahead of its time. It also had some future big names writing episodes, including Charlie Kaufman. What other show featured the death of the main character (a number of times), a theater musical “Zoo Animals on Wheels” where all the animal characters wear roller skates and dance to disco music, a vomiting alien, and a robotic paper boy. Later in the series when Elliott moved out of his parent’s house and moved in with Bryan Doyle-Murray it lost a bit of its edge. After years, the full series is now available on DVD.

It’s Your Move – Jason Bateman starred in this series which only lasted 18 episodes. The plot was rather simple: Matthew (Bateman) was driven to destroy the relationship between his mother and her boyfriend Norman (David Garrison, the original neighbor on Married with Children). As the title suggests, each episode was a chess match of moves and counter-moves in whatever plot Matthew or Norman was cooking up. Occasionally they’d work together, such as when Matthew pretended to suffer from a rare disease so he and Norman could get on a game show. Sadly, after about a dozen episodes the writers had Matthew’s oblivious mother discover his conniving ways. That ruined the show, but until then the intricate plots and unexpected twists made this is terrific (if low-rated) show. Bateman and Garrison both have wonderful comedic timing, which added to the fun.

Strangers With Candy – Amy Sedaris (sister of writer David Sedaris), Stephen Colbert, and Paul Dinello brought us a show almost as surreal as Get a Life, and a lot dirtier. The premise was that Jerry Blank (Sedaris), a 43-year-old ex-hooker and drug abuser, was going back to High School to finish her education. Besides writing the episodes, Colbert and Dinello each played teachers (Dinello was amazing as the spacey over-positive art teacher), and there were constant overtones of a homosexual relationship between the two. Jerry was still foul-mouthed, and had her mind in the gutter, but most of her invitations to fellow students for sex or drugs would go over their heads since they were still teenagers. Three seasons was enough though; they were starting to run out of ideas. Each season can be found on DVD, occasionally for VERY low prices.

Richard Weiss: Jeopardy, Family Feud, and Who Wants to be a Millionaire? Game shows. A long-standing tv tradition. Have passed many a living hour of time. WWTBAM is, if I have this right, the first to let the contestant wander around and use as much body language as he or she wanted. That added a lot to the genre. I am still looking for investors and do'ers to make a tv show called "Family Freud." A couple or family has web cams everywhere, "everything" is recorded for a week. Enough is replayed to splice into an hour long show. Three hosts, probably two very different psycho-professionals and one personality or average joe-jane (rotating) discuss what they believe are dynamics at specific times, what does the body language mean, what gets to what outcome, etc. Some real life conversation with those recorded. Game aspect of multiple choices for what contestants meant, were thinking, interpretation of body language, what they would say, denial/openness/defensiveness, attack, etc. at various times. Winner online gets to host the camera for a week, in his or her house. Doctor Phil goes live into the home! Hopefully, those with too much drama at home will be in the original group who want the webcams.

Hank Alme: This month I ended up with "Non-standard Consulting Sleuths"

Monk: Tony Shalhoub plays Adrian Monk, a former SFPD detective with OCD and a severe psychological wound from the murder of his wife. With the help of his assistant Sharona Fleming (Bitty Schramm) and later Natalie Teeger (Traylor Howard), Monk is able to operate outside his house. Due to connections with his former partner in the SFPD, Monk becomes a consulting detective working many unusual murder cases.

Typically, Monk's OCD works to his advantage in investigating the cases he comes across: his attention to detail is superhuman. Outside of work, the OCD causes a lot of problems. The issues arising from Monk's mental illness move back and forth between comic relief and showing the pain of a man trapped with serious personal demons. I never got a feeling for how the mental health community viewed the show's portrayal of a mentally ill person. Monk's issues lead to comedy, but are also dealt with sympathetically.

Psych: This is another mystery show with a protagonist with superhuman powers of observation and deduction (only in fiction do such people exist). Shawn Spencer (James Roday) finds himself in a situation where it seems reasonable to pretend to be a psychic to explain his detective abilities. Shawn and his best friend Gus (Dule Hill) form a private detective agency, called Psych, and spent most of the show as consulting detectives to the Santa Barbara Police Department.

In spite of the many murders Psych works, the show is a comedy, drawing largely on Shawn's antics and his interactions with straight man Gus. My favorite feature is the show's many episodes that parody other film and TV genres: Kung Fu movies, 1970's cop shows, Spanish language soap operas and others. A musical episode is set to air in December (was Buffy the Vampire Slayer the trend setter here, or some other show?). The show is in its final season and while I re-watch it a lot (eveil Netflix!), it feels like a good time to take a bow and exit.

Sherlock: Steven Moffat, creator of television awesomeness (Coupling, Doctor Who and others) co-created this series setting Arthur Conan Doyle's stories in modern day London. Benedict Cumberbatch plays Holmes as a brilliant detective who does not suffer fools gladly. Problematically for the rest of the world, he considers almost all of them fools. Martin Freeman plays John Watson, the closest thing to a friend Sherlock has[1].

This show also has a protagonist with superhuman powers of observation and deduction. Cumberbatch plays Holmes as sneeringly self-confident. When one of London's finest calls him a psychopath, Holmes quickly responds "I'm not a psychopath, Anderson, I'm a high functioning sociopath. Do your research.". Again, I am sure the mental health community would have some issues with the way someone with a non-standard brain is portrayed, but it is quite entertaining.

[1] History conveniently provides a point of continuity with Doyle's stories: Dr. Watson in the original stories was a British army doctor wounded in Afghanistan in 1880 (Second Anglo-Afghan War [thanks, Wikipedia!]), and the modern Dr. Watson was a British army doctor wounded in the current Afghan war.

Jim Burgess: Children's Shows: Look, we all probably were partly creations of the children's shows we happened to watch. These mostly are not "great TV" but they are the ones we remember.

Captain Kangaroo: The bunny and the carrots and the whole thing, it was fun, Bob Keeshan was great, and well, it was memorable. With great cartoons embedded in it. It was the show I liked more than its Mickey Mouse Club competitor.

Fury: This was a silly western kids show, but it was gripping to me as a kid. Fury was a black horse and Peter Graves played the father and owner of Fury's ranch. Joey was the kid's name, forget who the actor was. It was an ITC production, which will be my NEXT category....

Jonny Quest: The best cartoon I watched as a kid, with Jonny (Voiced by Tim Matheson) and his friend Hadji traveling the world on fun adventures. This was our version of what later shows tried to do to teach kids about the world.

Geoff Kemp: Big Bang Theory:- Recently introduced to this by my son and trying to catch up, Enjoyable

Sherlock: - Good current reworking of Sherlock Holmes.

UFO:- From the distant past, Excellent British series.

Martin Burgdorf: 1. Ein Herz und eine Seele

This was the German version of "Till Death Us Do Part". Quotes:

Alfred

"Jetzt reißt mir aber die Geduld, das ist eine Telefonzelle und kein Puff - Pudern kannste dich wo anders." (Now I am losing patience, this is a telephone booth and not a brothel - you can powder your face somewhere else.)

"Ob Sie mit meiner Frau sprechen oder mit einem Känguru im Zoo, macht keinen Unterschied!" (It does not make any difference, whether you are talking to my wife or a kangaroo in the zoo!")

"Pizza! Weiß doch kein Mensch, woraus die besteht. Da wird so ein Stück Kuhfladen ausgerollt, dann kommt ein Klecks Tomatensoße drauf, so heiß, dass man sich noch den Mund verbrennt und das Ganze kostet dann fünf Mark. Und schmecken tut's wie toter Frisör." (Pizza! Nobody knows, what it is made of. They roll out a piece of cow-pat, then put a blob of tomato-pulp on top of it, so hot that you burn your mouth, and then you have to pay $5 for the whole thing. And it tastes like dead barber.)

"Wenn Sie Kleptomanin sind, dann klauen Sie doch bei Frau Suhrbier. Als Sozialdemokratin findet die Diebstahl ganz normal." (If you are a kleptomaniac, then steal from Mrs. Suhrbier. Being a Democrat, she considers theft totally normal.)

After his son-in-law read in the newspaper that rape is committed more often in nights with full moon, Alfred says: "Else [his wife] is more likely to be raped at new moon."

Else "Mein Mann trinkt sogar Bier, auch wenn er gar keinen Durst hat - nur so zum Spaß!" (My husband drinks beer, even when he is not thirsty at all - just for fun!)

2. PS

A series with stories related to a car dealer/workshop. Every week Family Schmitting had another trouble with its new car, an Atlantis Amalfi. In the end they became happy pedestrians. The series played in Darmstadt, close to Heppenheim and Bensheim, where I grew up.

3. Fünf Tage hat die Woche

This series from 1972 showed the office routines in the company Böttger & Böll. Although I was still very young at the time, I realized that I never wanted this kind of life.

Hugh Polley: 13. The Prisoner: Douglas Kent beat me to the punch on this one.

Do all the spy gagits remind you of todays headlines? As Doug said 'Patrick McGoohan’s tour de force'

14. The Saint with a very young Roger Moore: I loved this show it had some Jame Bond elements in it.

Can anyone remember; did it pre-date Dr No?

15. The Avengers with Patrick McGee and Honor Blackman (Pussy Galor): I never missed an episode except

for extreme circumstance. A prequel to James Bond?

Per Westling: This time I will look into Crime, not really a strong theme, but there are some good ones.

13. Veronica Mars is a crime series mixed with a High School teenager which seem very popular. A friend of mine regard this as the best series, ever, but I would not say that. Anway, it has good script, and Kristen Bell is great and charming. I suppose there are some similarities to Buffy, but Miss Mars is a more serious role. When Veronica leaves high school the series was quickly dropped, but it has a strong fan base and it turns out that there will be a film made after this was crowd sourced.

14. The series that might define 2010s is probably Breaking Bad. It is good, but VERY depressing at the same time. So I have a hard time watching this during longer periods so I have still not yet completed season 2! But it's nice to know that it will not run forever, and judged by the attention it got at the end I hope it will keep up.

Describing this series I am not sure anyone would choose to watch this (check out the synopsis if you do not Believe me) based on a short description of it, but it has a very special feeling and grows on you (or maybe wear you down). There is probably more to say about it, including the photo, but just see it if you haven't.

15. Wire could have been a candidate for the list, but I did only watch one episode or so. Instead my choice for a police series is the Baltimore Homicide. This was sent at late hours on national TV so I almost failed to notice it. But once I found it I followed it. Several good characters, and good scripts, of course. Kind of depressing, and Baltimore is not a city I would like to live in, but I suppose there are a few cities in the US one could have used instead of Baltimore, or is that city something special?

Last month, we gave you these hypothetical questions or situations: #1 – You are going to lose one of your five senses. You don’t know which one. But your doctor can ensure that one in particular is NOT the one lost. So which sense do you choose to protect? #2 – You climb a mountain and meet a guru. He will correctly answer one yes or no question for you. What do you ask?

Heather Taylor – #1 – My sight because I am a very visually stimulated person and learn by doing and seeing things, as opposed to reading about them.

Melinda Holley - #1 - I'd protect sight. I love to read, work on the computer & do embroidery. While I could make adjustments for the first 2, it's the 3rd that would be lost forever. However, I'd cry a great deal and be horribly depressed if I could never hear music again. Couldn't I just lose scent?

#2 - Hmmm...all the important questions I can think of can't be answered by either 'yes' or 'no'. And the ones that can be answered either 'yes' or 'no' are so unimportant, I wouldn't be climbing a mountain for them.

Andy Lischett - #1 - Easy. Sight. Hearing would be my second choice. Touch would be third, and smell and taste way, way down on the list, since I basically don't like eating.

Besides the loss of sight being the hardest to work around, I am a very visual person. I like colors and shapes and shadows and movement. Carol thinks I'm weird because I sometimes watch movies with the sound off. Some are better that way. Definately baseball games can be better with the sound off.

#2 - Is there an elevator? Do I get fries with that? Do you still beat your wife? Seriously, I guess the biggie is "Is there a God?" and I'm not sure I want to know, and certainly not with just a Yes or No.

Heath Gardner - #1 - I was legally blind (correctable, yet still annoying, with glasses or contacts... had a -8.00 prescription) and recently had LASIK. Now I have 20/10 vision. Never having seen things crisply before, I've been blown away by the new power of my sight sense. I was already an art aficionado, and a lover of the wilderness, but now both just "pop" so much more for me, it's like I've taken some sort of sense-enhancing drug. So I don't think I could give it up at this point.... if I lost my sense of taste, I'd probably lose some weight, and if I lost my smell, I've got built in fart protection. If I lost my hearing, at least I would have an excuse when my wife asks me do to something, I say "sure" and promptly forget. So.... let me keep my sight!

#2 - What is your bathroom situation like at the top of this mountain? Do people bring you toilet paper, or do you just go without? Anywhere I should be careful sitting down?

Dick Martin - #1 - the one to keep is definitely touch, everything else can be compensated for.

#2 - "do we exist as conscious entities after our death?"

Tom Howell - #1 - Sight, although a good argument could be made for touch.

#2 –"Are you for real?"

Richard Weiss - #1 - How about not lose sense of touch or sense of position in space. However, you said one of my five, hmmm, seeing, hearing, tasting, smelling, and probably touch. google search agrees, fifth is touch. OK, I won't lose proprioception so don't have to insure that one. I wouldn't mind much with loss of taste or smell, those are common. Deafness might be nice. That leaves sight and touch. I'll save touch and take my chances.

#2 - Guru, one question, nah. But, I did climb the mountain, and I am there, so maybe what stock listed and available on the NYSE, that I can buy next week and sell in 52 weeks, will have the greatest percent rise from my date of purchase until my date of selling?

Andy York - #1 - Sight by a long-shot.

#2 - Is the world a better place because of what I've done? ((Because, if not, I need to change things))

Per Westling - #1 - This is a question that I have actually thought about at times. It did come close to home when my girlfriend was forced to remove one of her Eyes by surgery... For my part I Think I would be most handicapped if I lost seeing, as so much of the society is based on using your Eyes. Loosing hearing is of course bad but I have met several Death persons and they seem to manage quite ok. Smell... well, it seems that this is the sense that we use the least, although it is connected to taste as well. Loss of sensitiveness is a bigger problem than you might think, but I do think one could manage. That leaves taste... would make a duller life, but one survives.

#2 - "Are you the guru? Oops, blew it...."

For Next Month (For the time being, I am usually selecting questions from the game “A Question of Scruples” which was published in 1984 by High Games Enterprises). Remember you can make your answers as detailed as you wish.: #1 - Your agent helped you get established when you were a struggling actor. Now a large agency wants to sign you. Do you dump your agent? #2 – In snowy weather, your car skids and slides. The rear of your car hits a city street sign, knocking it over and damaging it when it crashes to the ground. Your car is an old model, and there is no visible sign of damage to your rear bumper. What do you do?

The Eternal Sunshine Baseball Prediction Contest

Jack McHugh takes the win by being the only one to put the Red Sox as the World Series champs. If we don’t get more people participating next year I won’t be running this again….I’ll be in touch with Jack about his prize.

Seen on DVD and Netflix – 100 Ghost Street (C, the typical paranormal team investigating a haunted insane asylum. There seem to be a lot of abandoned asylums out there.) Episode 50 (C+, slightly better acting, and a real dumb ending…same plot as 100 Ghost Street). Best Worst Movie (C+, a documentary on how Troll 2 – the worst film ever made – has gained a cult following. Mildly interesting the way the actors who are ashamed of their association with the pic begin to embrace it, and how their “fans” are normal but other horror “fans” are freaks). Sons of Perdition (B-, documentary following teenagers who have left or been banished from a polygimyst religious sect). Spiderhole (B-, in England some art students choose the wrong house to take over as squatters. Not terrible). Confessions of a Porn Addict (C-, overlong and underfunny mockumentary about a man trying to beat his addiction to pornography after being caught masturbating in a video store). Twixt (B-, a Francis Ford Coppola film which probably went straight to DVD. Gothic tale of a writer in an odd town, had its moments and a decent cast). Pumpkinhead (B-, the classic horror firlm with Lance Hendrickson as a man who wants to avenge the death of his son). Pumpkinhead II (D+, laughably bad sequel to Pumpinhead. Almost so bad it’s funny, but really just plain bad). Bad Seed (C, typical rip-off cross between The Omen and The Exorcist, but the younger part of the cast was surprisingly decent).

Couldn’t Fight Our Way Through: Troll 2 (hint – it isn’t so bad its good, it just SUCKS); Kill Katie Malone.

Dane Maslen: You might have noticed that I've had a WITWIKN waiting list open in DG for a few issues. It had been my intention if I ever got the game off the ground to reveal which distance calculator I was going to use and to rule that players could only specify towns that were known to that distance calculator. Your experience in this game reinforces my belief in the wisdom of this!

I think that in my last set of orders (I'm currently on holiday so don't have access to old emails on my PC) I made a comment along the lines that Robert Andrews came to my attention when I was searching Wikipedia

lists of people who died in the 1760s, whereas in fact it was of course while searching for people born in the 1720s.

It would certainly have come as something of a shock to me in Round 4 to have learnt that I was closest but had the wrong person. Robert Andrews seemed such a good fit with the Round 3 clue (and indeed also fitted the

Round 5 clue). I suspect that several decades of blind guesswork would have elapsed until I would have come up with the correct person.

[[I am still not sure how I goofed in the last game. Looking at the game I knew which guesses were not closest. I think I used the old calculator for that turn, or else I simply put the mark on the wrong line and didn’t notice the error when the issue came out.]]

Larry Peery: What do I think?

Every issue of DW and ES I ask myself, "How does he do it?" And then I just say a little prayer of thanx that you do do it.

[[I’m folding, effective immediately.]]

I see Brendan Whyte hasn't changed. He's still trying to convert the world to vegamite. The stuff is gastly. The last time he gave me some (oh, maybe 20 years ago) I tossed it in the trash can. Haven't had a problem with bugs, roaches, or varmits since!

John Wilman: I am not in a position to comment on your skills as a host, but if you play Meatloaf at them, that could explain the odd awkward moment.

[[Nah, that was just me, not them.]]

I once played my Lou Reed tapes (note the topical reference!) to a girl I was giving a lift to - she went very quiet for the duration of the journey. Well, she was an Abba fan. So I don't feel guilty.

[[Why ruin “Perfect Day” by licensing it to a video console commercial?]]

Andy Lischett: Hypotheticals:

About the answers to #82's hypos:

#1. I was surprised to find so many people afraid of the police, or not afraid enough of the police. Am I the only paranoid around here? And Jack McHugh's comment that the question is stupid is, well, stupid. Everyone else seemed to get the context. If the cop was there because of car-jackings, robberies or fights, I think I - the owner - would know about them. Or maybe he ran out of gas and was waiting for AAA. You're right, Jack, I forgot all the context.

#2. Nobody but me would think of smacking the pop machine? Doug, you have a very civilized clientele.

Movie Quiz:

None of these ring a bell... even a tinkle. However, I will leave them front-and-center on my computer to perhaps jog my memory and will watch as many old movies on TV as I can before making wild, stupid guesses.

I went to a Halloween party last week and won a cheesy prize by identifying 12 of 13 "scary" movies. I missed #12, which is very hard.

#1. A boy's best friend is his mother.

#2. Listen to them, the children of the night. What sweet music they make.

#3. They're Heee-re.

#4. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.

#5. Look! It's moving. It's alive. It's alive... It's alive, it's moving, it's alive, it's alive, it's alive, it's alive, IT'S ALIVE!

#6. Help me! Help meeeee!

#7. This is no dream! This is really happening!

#8. Hallo. Vould you like a roll in ze hay?

#9. Smile, you son of a bitch!

#10. It's Halloween, everyone's entitled to one good scare.

#11. He-e-e-e-re's Johnnie!

#12. The phone is dead. Do you hear that, Vitus? Even the phone is dead.

#13. I see dead people.

[[I was able to get all of Andy’s list. #10 was a guess, #12 I was 85% sure of, and #8 I had just seen. If you want to give it a try, send in your answers to the letter column.]]

Andy Bate: First off, many thanks for ES #82. Very enjoyable reading. And you must have been working on it on your birthday, so hats off to you for that.

This season's NFL is really shaping up into a fascinating one, with several new stories arising each week.

The Chiefs are the only undefeated team in the NFL, but surely they're not even the best team in the AFC, which would be Denver. But how will the Broncos cope without John Fox at the helm?

And what now for the Texans, who seemed to be improving behind Case Keenum until Gary Kubiak's unfortunate episode?

And what now for the NFL with head coaches dropping like flies? And quarterbacks?

Who is going to be QBing for the Green Bay Packers as they attempt to stay on top of their division?

And how come all of the NFC East are currently on winning streaks?

These questions — and many others — will be answered in the next episode of... NFL.

[[It is an interesting year. NFC East sucks, AFC there’s a real battle for the second wild card spot.]]

Jim Burgess: I don't know about you guys, but I actually HAVE tasted Vegemite before. It is incredibly yeasty and incredibly salty. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with it..... I probably also have to report back to Brendan and Su what that experience was like.

Just so you know. I'm going to let Brendan describe his trip, and it SHOULD be interesting.

[[Translation: Jim-Boob is too lazy to write it himself.]]

Andy York: Glad that the animal issues seem to be under control, as you note with older dogs comes a bit more "work" but you still enjoy them as much!

Sounds like you had as good a visit with Brendan and Su as possible. They commented on your hospitality and they enjoyed seeing a number of sites in Dallas (with a quick stop in Fort Worth enroute to Austin). I enjoyed their visit here quite a bit - a whirlwind visit seeing things in San Antonio, Fredericksburg and around Austin before their next leg of the Great American Trek.

[[It was great having them in town, except for the fact that they hate us!]]

Steve Cooley: I’m very impressed by your love for Miss Piggy! While I have more interest in helping people than dogs, I am a bit dog-obsessed. We’ve been through two back surgeries with different puppies. One didn’t survive (he was going to need another surgery and we just could not do that) and the other who is several years past it now.

[[Thanks. We get back way more than we give when it comes to our animals. And when you have a senior animal like Miss Piggy who has been abandoned (or lost) at least once in her life, I can’t face the prospect of having her go through another abandonment. We took her on for better or worse and we got a lot of worse to start off with. Fortunately now we’ve gotten to more of the better.]]

Per Westling: Interesting to read Larry's piece on food, and Diplomacy. Yes, having those hybrid stories is always interesting. He has put real effort in finding the perfect Lasagne it seems. Should probably make my own, sometime, haven't got around to it. Maybe Larry has a favorite recipe he can recommend?

[[Please don’t encourage him, Per.]]

Eternal Sunshine Index – ESI

A Scientific Measure of Zine Health

Current Index: 64.42 +1.02%

The Eternal Sunshine Index is a stock-market-like index of the zine. You don’t do anything in this game, except write press or commentary on price movements (or why you think your stock should have gone up or down). I move the prices beginning with next issue based on my own private formula of quantity and quality zine participation (NMR’s, press, columns, etc.). Any new zine participants become new issues valued at at 50, but the stock for anyone who disappears will remain listed. The average of all listed stocks will result in the ESI closing value each month, which will be charted issue to issue after we have a few months’ worth of data. If you don’t like the stock symbol I have assigned you, you may petition the exchange to change it. Blame Phil Murphy for suggesting this section to me.

Market Commentary: Despite a number of NMR’s, especially in BAPD, this being the final turn helped limit the damage. Plus a large number of entries in the new Kendo game added some positive index action. A new high for the ESI…but for how long? Holidays can easily cause a sudden shift in direction.

Stock	Price	% +/-
AJK - Allison Kent	77	1.3%
ALM - Hank Alme	39	2.6%
AMB - Amber Smith	0.01	0.0%
AND - Lance Anderson	0.01	0.0%
BAB - Chris Babcock	10	11.1%
BAT - Andy Bate	55	1.9%
BIE - John Biehl	124	1.6%
BLA - Larry Peery	59	3.5%
BRG - Martin Burgdorf	113	1.8%
BWD - Brad Wilson	136	2.3%
CAK - Andy Lischett	114	1.8%
CAL - Cal White	0.01	0.0%
CHC - Chuy Cronin	0.01	0.0%
CIA - Tom Swider	0.01	0.0%
CKW - Kevin Wilson	112	1.8%
CKY - Carol Kay	32	-5.9%
DAN - Dane Maslen	108	0.9%
DBG - David Burgess	0.01	0.0%
DGR - David Grabar	0.01	0.0%
DTC - Brendan Whyte	100	2.0%
DUK - Don Williams	85	0.0%
FRD - Fred Wiedemeyer	50	-9.1%
FRG - Jeremie Lefrancois	0.01	0.0%
FRT - Mark Firth	109	1.9%
GAR - Heath Gardner	74	1.4%
GRA - Graham Wilson	0.01	0.0%
HAP - Hugh Polley	48	2.1%
HDT - Heather Taylor	113	1.8%
HLJ - Harley Jordan	84	-2.3%
JOD - Jeff O'Donnell	66	-5.7%
KMP - Geoff Kemp	100	2.0%
KVT - Kevin Tighe	8	-20.0%
LAT - David Latimer	89	1.1%
LCR - Larry Cronin	0.01	0.0%
MRK - Mark Nelson	0.01	0.0%
MCC - David McCrumb	8	-20.0%
MCR - Michael Cronin	0.01	0.0%
MIM - Michael Moulton	5	-16.7%
MRC - Marc Ellinger	112	1.8%
OTS - Tom Howell	108	1.9%
PER - Per Westling	113	2.7%
PJM - Phil Murphy	37	5.7%
QUI - Michael Quirk	19	5.6%
RAC - Robin ap Cynan	73	-3.9%
RDP - Rick Desper	113	-3.4%
REB - Melinda Holley	115	2.7%
RED - Paraic Reddington	124	2.5%
RWE - Richard Weiss	153	2.0%
SAK - Jack McHugh	230	2.2%
TAP - Jim Burgess	150	4.9%
VOG - Pat Vogelsang	0.01	0.0%
WAY - W. Andrew York	110	1.9%
WLK - Richard Walkerdine	141	0.0%
WWW - William Wood	0.01	0.0%
YLP - Paul Milewski	143	0.7%

Where in the World is Kendo Nagasaki?

Rules in ES #58. Send in your guesses. I’ve played this in Brandon Whyte’s Damn the Consequences a few times and it’s fun, takes only a minute or two each turn, and helps you work your brain! As soon as this one ends, a new one will begin.

ROUND 1

John Biehl:

Copernicus in Istanbul, Turkey

Mark Firth:

Mario Andretti in Daytona, Florida

Jamie McQuinn:

Harry Shearer in Quito, Ecuador

Kevin Wilson:

Isaac Asimov in Lagos, Nigeria

Andy Lischett:

James Brown (the singer) in Brownsville, Texas

Andy Bate:

Martina Navratilova in Anchorage, Alaska

Brendan Whyte:

Diana Rigg in Anchorage, Alaska

Heath Gardner:

Terry Gilliam in London, England

Paraic Reddington:

Charles Manson in Nashville, Tennessee

Tom Howell:

Martin Luther in Antananarivo, Madagascar

Richard Weiss:

Oliver Cromwell in Lusaka, Zambia

Hank Alme:

Charles Dickens in Kabul, Afghanistan

Jim Burgess:

Thomas Jefferson in Monrovia, Liberia

Marc Ellinger:

Sir Isaac Newton in Brasilia, Brazil

Jack McHugh:

Benito Mussolini in Rio de Janeiro

Hint to the Person in the Closest Geographical Guess: I was in the same overall industry as you, but a different part of it.

Deadline for Turn 2 is: December 30th at 7am my time

Brain Farts: The Only Subsubzine With It’s Own Fragrance

By Jack “Flapjack” McHugh – jwmchughjr@gmail.com

(or just email Doug and he’ll send it to me)

Issue #61

Hey idiots, did you see who won Dougie’s baseball contest this year? Me. None of you even had the Red Sox in the World Series. What kind of baseball fans are you anyway? Dick Martin gets a chubby for Washington, with Bwad and Rick Desper holding hands with him and singing Kumbaya. Next year check with the expert first before you make your picks. That’s me, you piles of rotting goat droppings. ME! I WIN! YOU LOSE! YOU SSSSSSUCK!

Book Reviews

The Sleepwalkers: How Europe Went To War in 1914

by Christopher Clark

This book is a general overview of the events surrounding the outbreak of World War I, it covers not only the specific events that lead to declarations of war, e.g. the assassination of the heir to the Austro-Hungarian throne Franz Ferdinand, the Austrian ultimatum to Serbia, Serbia’s rejection of that ultimatum and her mobilization, Austria’s declaration of war on Serbia followed by Russia’s mobilization, etc., etc., but also the background to the war. The Balkan Wars that preceded World War I—World War I was the Third Balkan Wars, the first being fought in 1911 and again in 1912-1913—as well as Serbian and Austrian relationship, which was surprisingly good until the early 20th century—as well the Great Powers views of each other as well as the Balkans.

Clark shows an impressive range of research where he utilizes both primary sources such as the published diplomatic correspondence of all the great powers in their original languages, as well as up-to-date research. My only complaint is he should have spent more time in the text, as opposed to the footnotes, discussing the various schools of thought such as the Fischer school that blamed the Germans, more or less, for the outbreak of World War I back in the 1960’s but it has fallen out of favor over the last 30 years so to be replaced with a more nuanced view of the outbreak of war.

A few things struck me about the book: first, was the impressive economic growth throughout Europe in the late nineteenth and early twentieth centuries, even areas that the average American normally think of as backward or stagnated experienced impressive growth such as most of the smaller states of the Balkan area such as Serbia, Bulgaria, even Albania, as well as the Ottoman Empire itself wer in the midst of a sustained economic growth period from the end of the revolutions of 1848 until the outbreak of World War I. Most national economies were growing at 2.5%-5% per year over a few generations—this is most impressive and hasn’t been equaled across Europe since.

Second, how fluid the supposedly alliance blocks were, not only was it common knowledge by all the Great Powers that Italy would most likely not honor its commitment to the Triple Alliance (e.g., the pre-war name for the Central Powers) no matter how war started but that the Anglo-Russian alliance was extremely tentative as the English were suspicious of the Russian designs on India and Iran. Indeed the main motivating factor behind the English signing a formal alliance with Japan in 1902 was primarily as a counterweight to Russia’s building new rail and road links toward Iran, then called Persia, and Afghanistan which threatened British in the Gulf and India as well as in Egypt. In fact the British were seriously weighing whether or not to renew the Triple Entente when it came up for renewal in 1915.

Third, due the fluidity alliances this leads directly to the determination of the members of the alliance to bind each other more fully to the alliance. France invests billions of francs to modernize and increase Russia’s rail capacity on the condition that the rails leading to the German boarder be strengthened first to allow easier and quicker Russian mobilization in the event of a war with Germany. Germany’s in ability to walk away from Austria-Hungary as they the last remaining reliable German ally in Europe since Italy was already written off as a lost cause. Austria’s need to show strength to the Balkan states and in light of what was done to the Ottoman Empire in the few years before World War I, one can hardly blame the Austrians for wanting to avoid the same fate.

The outbreak of World War I will, failing the collapse of the current civilization, represents the last slow moving crisis in Europe. There was over a month between the assassination of the Archduke and Germany declaring war on Russia when Russia refusal to cancel its mobilization orders. Even the final crisis a week to develop as the Austrians didn’t give the Serbs their ultimatum until July 24th which was almost a month after the murders.

Lastly the powers made incorrect assumptions about what the others would or would not do. For example, the Austrians believed the Serbs would back down as they did when the Austrians demanded the Serbs respect the territorial integrity of Albania and withdraw of face an Austrian attack in October of 1912 at the end of the first Balkan War. The Kaiser refused to believe the Tsar would ever approve of supporting Serb given the fact that the Serbians had helped kill the heir to monarch of Austria-Hungary. In the end, the war was almost avoided as the Austrians were correct that the Serbs would back down as they had done before when word arrived of Russia’s mobilization and this changed the draft the Serbian cabinet was working from one of accepting the Austrian conditions to refusing to allow the Austrians to join the Serbs in investigating the murder. The First World War did not have to break out and Clark makes the point every year the Great Powers were actually getting better at manning their crisis, perhaps it could have ended without war, just as the Cold War did.

Overall I thoroughly enjoyed the book although Clark’s writing is a bit dense in places, I’d give it four out of five thumbs up.

Zhukov’s Greatest Defeat: the Red Army’s Epic Disaster in Operation Mars 1942

By David M. Glantz

If you don’t like military history, you might as well skip this review as this book is basically as hard core as military history gets. If you know anything about the current state of scholarship in the Eastern Front in World War II in English, you’re familiar with Glantz’s writing. His general history of Operation Barbarossa, When Titans Clash, is a classic that, if you have any interest in the East Front in World War II, you should read. It is right up there with Alan Clark’s Barbarossa and John Erickson’s two volume history; Road to Stalingrad and Road to Berlin as far as “must reads” go regarding the history of operations on the Eastern Front in World War II.

Glantz is a US Army officer who wrote his histories with the advantage of having access to Russian archives—I will use the terms Soviet and Russian interchangeable in this review--after the fall of communism. While historians have access to German documents since the end of World War II when most of the Wehrmacht archives fell into Allied hands, the Russian side has been shrouded in mystery as the Soviet government had a vested interest in suppressing any news of reverses or defeats. The only defeats “officially” acknowledged were the opening six months or so of the campaign, as the defeats were so glaring that not even the Soviets could whitewash them, and those were generally laid at the feet of Stalin for ignoring warnings and conducting purges of the officer corps in the late 1930s.

This book is prime example of a Russian cover up. Most histories of the Eastern Front make no mention of Operation Mars (or the aborted Operation Jupiter) simply because most historians didn’t know about as the Soviets refused to acknowledge and did not allow anyone access to Red Army archives, which unlike Germany Army archives, were not captured by the West. The Soviet commanders who took part in this failed offensive had no reason to talk about it and Zhukov, Stalin’s premier commander who led the operation, was also Stalin’s deputy responsible for the entire Eastern Front, so his lack of participation the simultaneous Operation Uranus (the Soviet code name for the encirclement of Stalingrad operation) is easy enough to explain.

The book itself is a straight forward history of Soviet attempts to reduce the large German salient around the town of Rzhev, which is about 50 miles northwest of Moscow. The salient was a remnant of the abortive German attempt to take Moscow, Operation Typhoon, in November-December 1941. Although the Russians drove the Germans back from Moscow and cut off parts of the German 9th army, who have been defending the salient ever since, the Russians were not able to destroy or force the Germans to retreat from the salient. The Germans were able to re-establish their communications once the spring came.

Thus the Russians were lacking several advantages that they had around Stalingrad: one, there were no “allied” troops, although the Soviets told their solders that the Luftwaffe field divisions were “our Romanians” that simply wasn’t the case. While it is true the divisions made up of excess German Air Force personnel did not perform as well as regular Heer divisions, they did much better than German allies did around Stalingrad. Two, of course, the reason they did better was they weren’t at the end of a long supply line having just advanced several hundred kilometers less than two months before. Here the Germans made no move in 1942 and the troops had been in these positions for almost a year, thus they were familiar with the terrain and had a chance to fortify it. Three, the terrain, unlike the wide open steppe around Stalingrad, was heavily forested with numerous small streams which cut narrow and relatively deep gullies which were difficult for tanks to ford. In addition the deep snow and poor roads made it difficult for the Russians not just to advance, but to even form up for the attack as they didn’t have to room to bring up forces or move up their artillery once any advance was made.

The limited road network and subsequent clogging of the few small bridgeheads the Soviets as well as the atrocious weather, which grounded the Red Air Force for most of the operation, caused the Russians to delay the attack for over a month. The operation, which was to start before Uranus, did not, in fact, start until a week after the attack on Stalingrad begin due to these logistical and operational difficulties.

Ben Hecht: The Man Behind the Legend

By William MacArthur

This was a biography of the legendary writer Ben Hecht, although most known for writing screenplays such as the original Scarface, the silent version, as well adapting books such as Gone with the Wind to the screen, he was also a playwright—The Front Page—made into a motion picture less than ten years after Hecht’s death in 1964. Hecht was nicked name the “Shakespeare of Hollywood.”

Hecht started out as a newspaper man in Chicago—in fact he started as “picture stealer” in before World War I. These guys were the paparazzi of their day. They would steal pictures of people of people who were being written about, usually everyday people who terrible things happen to them, e.g. the cop who gets shot during a robbery, a person who is killed by getting hit by a trolley, etc., etc., Hecht’s job was to get a picture back to run in the paper or so the paper could have a drawing based on the photo or picture—he often stole paintings as well since this was during an era when photographs were still fairly expensive. This was the mélange that Hecht was able to mine so effectively for his play, The Front Page, as with most of Hecht’s writing; it came from his personal experience.

MacArthur did extensive interviews with most of Hecht’s surviving contemporaries as well as digging into extensive archive material that you would expect a writer like Hecht to leave behind. Hecht was also one of the few writers to avoid any political involvement between the war years until his death in 1964. Hecht got into politics once after World War II to support the new state of Israel and Hecht generally supported civil rights from the First World War onward.

Hecht also ran his own film company, based in Ashbury Park, NJ, where he wrote, produced and directed four films but, while successfully artistically and critically, they were not terrible successful commercially and the company shut down after making those films. Hecht then went back to Hollywood where he was able to successful avoid being under contract for too long too one particular studio. He also only stayed in Hollywood long enough to make enough money to go back to New York where he could do what Hecht considered his “serious” writing—plays, novels, short stories, essays.

Hecht also worked with most of the best directors of pre and post-World War II American cinema such as Howard Hawks, David O. Selznick and Alfred Hitchcock. Hecht often worked without credit but was satisfied as long as he kept getting enormous paydays from Hollywood. Hecht also wrote for himself such as the movie Angles over Broadway that he wrote, produced and directed.

He also had one of the first talk shows on an early network in New York City in the early 1950’s in which unashamedly attempted to discuss major issues, regardless of the station or sponsor’s feelings, which resulted in his loss of the show in less than six months.

Hecht’s personal life was often a mess although he was married for most of his adult life, he was actually fairly faithfully as a young man to his first wife Marie and then worked with his second wife Rose who he left Marie for. He often played around on Rose but only one affair of Hecht’s actually threatened the marriage and, typically, he used the experience to write play—the rest were simply physical relationships which Rose tolerated since she considered her husband a “genius”.

What I found most interesting was his the way Hecht refused to go along with any particular movement—political, artistic, commercial—whatever, at one point MacArthur makes the claim if ther had been a political party called Iconoclastic Party, Hecht would have been a charter member. Hecht was aware of his own independence explaining that he could not support communism, not because he was against Russia conquering Europe or the World, not because he has any problem with Marxist ideology, but simply because he knew the he would be “stood up against a wall and shot if the communist ever came to power in the US.”

I have to say I admire the way Hecht was able to do what he wanted—which was write books, articles, plays—that interested him and only did as much commercial work as necessary to support what he loved. In other words, he did the minimum of what was required to get the most flexibility and freedom for himself.

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

THE ABYSSINIAN PRINCE #341

November 11, 2013

Jim Burgess, 664 Smith Street, Providence, RI 02908-4327 USA, (401)351-0287, jfburgess of gmail.com

E-MAIL/WEB ONLY ISSUE! PDF will be available on the website. We also are being reproduced in Eternal Sunshine.

Web Page Address: http://www.diplom.org/DipPouch/Postal/Zines/TAP/index.html

There is interest in a NEW regular Diplomacy game and a Breaking Away game. Sign up, let's see if we can get seven for Dip and six for Breaking Away! I think the Breaking Away game is filled and we will get it started in the next issue.

This issue continues the szine/subszine inversion. As most of you know, this thing began as a ßubszine" to Terry Tallman's North Sealth, West George, then became its own szine with a host of subszines. The subszines remaining will appear as sub-subszines to our new flipflopped home in Doug Kent's Eternal Sunshine. Doug's incessant nagging is not keeping us on schedule, but will make it so we will charge forward and finish the remaining games that I have in here. After that, we'll see how it goes and what I do next. I'd like to keep writing and doing some game GMing. You all should see first what I actually do.

For production, in addition to the HTML's of each separate product on the web page, I will also have a PDF that you can print of the entire subszine (including my famous handdrawn maps!). You can just print the maps if you like, but remember maps are for pikers anyway, you don't need no steenkin' maps, keep them up in your head where they belong.

General information about the mailing list is at: http://www.diplom.org/mailman/listinfo/tap You can sign up from there, or send E-Mails to: Tap-request of diplom.org; with the word `help' in the subject or body (don't include the quotes), and you will get back a message with instructions. You must know your password to change your options (including changing the password, itself) or to unsubscribe.

THE ABYSSINIAN PRINCE LETTERS SECTION

((For upcoming cons around the world: http://devel.diplom.org/Face/cons/index.php, but note that some of the Americans have stopped posting the tournaments there. Shame, shame, shame... The Diplomacy World deadline is coming up on January 1, 2014, please think about writing some articles for us, especially if you went to Tempest or Carnage, TempleCon is coming up second weekend in February, more shortly.))

DIPLOMACY WORLD CUP TOURNAMENT IS ONGOING - YOU CAN STILL JOIN!

This is the latest incarnation of this team based tournament. I am helping to lead the Nor'Easter team for people in the Northeast part of the United States. https://www.facebook.com/groups/123795024327261/ is the Facebook page for the event.

And you can sign up for the Tournament at: http://aqmn.asciiking.com/. Other US regional teams are the ones in the Pacific, Dixie, and Chicago. Its unique aspect, that is proving to be a bit distorting but in interesting ways, is its "solo only" feature. You advance from the preliminaries to the finals only by soloing, and then need solos in the finals against the other soloists. Though this started in January, it probably will be going on for at least two years, and there is PLENTY of time to jump in. As usual, for those who know me well, I screwed up my first game and allowed a solo to someone from team US. I still don't have a solo in over three decades, but maybe I can do it in my next game. Yes, in C-Diplo, you can easily throw games, and in this format you can do it. I wonder why people like to drop the levels of the game in this way. It fascinates me. But in the finals of this tournament, it shouldn't happen, should it?

So, really, come join, it is being operated on a web-assisted Judge platform that is really pretty easy to use. Ask me if you have any questions. There is about to be a huge uptick in games starting as September approaches in a few days. My game is waiting for more players to start, won't you come join me???

THE ABYSSINIAN PRINCE GAMES SECTION

I am continuing to note cut or failed support orders with a small "s" instead of a capital "S". This will make it easier on the E-Mailed version of the szine to see what happened, since the italics don't show there. The italics DO show on the web page just fine. Since I'm not postal mailing the szine any more, I've dropped back to just reporting the disguised E-Mail addresses. As someone notes, if you need some more contact information, go back to past issues or ask me.

Standby lists:

Mike Barno, Dick Martin, Brad Wilson, Jack McHugh, Glenn Petroski, Steve Emmert, Mark Kinney, Vince Lutterbie, Eric Brosius, Paul Rauterberg, Bob Osuch, Doug Kent, Sean O'Donnell, Heath Gardner, Paul Kenny, and Jeff O'Donnell stand by for regular Diplomacy. Let me know if you want on or off these lists, especially OFF given the new policies.

GAME OPENING INFORMATION

I'm going to start the game opening list over. Under the new regime, who wants to play?

DIPLOMACY: First off, another regular Diplomacy game is open. Spencer Sawyer, Doug Kent and Brad Wilson are in, anyone else?

BREAKING AWAY: Also, a new Breaking Away game is open. Currently Andy York, Rick Desper, David Burgess, and Brendan Whyte are on board. Doug Kent might be willing to play to fill it out. I'm going to dig up six people to do this next time, be one of them! This is the game I really like running and want to start another one. It's easy, very low maintenance.

THE PHIL REYNOLDS MEMORIAL: 2006B, Regular Diplomacy

THE DUE DATE FOR WINTER 1908 IS NOVEMBER 23RD, 2013

Fall 1908

AUSTRIA (Burgess): f aeg-BUL(SC), a RUM S a vie-gal, a vie-GAL, a BUD S a rum, f ION S ITALIAN a alb-gre,

a SER S f aeg-bul(sc).

ENGLAND (James): f nwg-BAR, a LON h, a yor-DEN, a swe-FIN, f NTH C a yor-den, f TYH S FRENCH f wes-tun,

f nwy-SWE, a KIE S f bal-ber, f NAP S f tyh, f bal-BER.

FRANCE (Williams): a BUR S a mun, a pie-VEN, f wes-TUN, a MUN s ENGLISH f bal-ber, f gol-WES, a tyo-TRI.

ITALY (Crow): a alb-GRE.

RUSSIA (Gardner): a STP h, a UKR S a sev, a SEV S a ukr, a WAR h, a ber s a sil-mun (d r:pru,otb), f SMY S f gre-aeg, a SIL-mun, f gre-AEG, f GOB S a stp.

Supply Center Chart

AUSTRIA (Burgess): VIE,BUD,ser,rum,bul (has 6, rem 1)

ENGLAND (James): EDI,LVP,LON,nwy,bel,swe,hol, (has 10, bld 2)

den,kie,rom,nap,ber

FRANCE (Williams): PAR,BRE,spa,por,mun,MAR,tri, (has 6, bld 3)

ven,tun

ITALY (Crow): gre (has 1, even)

RUSSIA (Gardner): WAR,STP,SEV,MOS,con,ank,smy (has 8 or 9, rem 1(r:otb) or 2))

Neutral: none (Total=34)

E-Mail Addresses of the Participants

AUSTRIA: David Burgess, burgesscd of roadrunner.com or dburgess of glensfallshosp.org

ENGLAND: Drew James, kjames01 of twcny.rr.com or karelanddrew of gmail.com

FRANCE: Don Williams, wllmsfmly of earthlink.net or dwilliams of fontana.org ($5)

GERMANY: Marc Ellinger, mellinger of blitzbardgett.com

ITALY: John Crow, johnny.crow of hotmail.com

RUSSIA: Heath Gardner (aka Heath Davis-Gardner), heath.gardner of gmail.com

TURKEY: Fred Wiedemeyer, wiedem of telus.net or wiedem of shaw.ca

Game Notes:

1) As soon as I selected Heath Gardner to play Russia, he went in the hospital for major stuff and has been in and out ever since. We think he's back with all bones on the mend, and we're up and running again in the game too. Any interest in joining the new game? Or maybe the new Breaking Away game? But then, maybe we're NOT going to keep going...

2) The five way DIAS was rejected.

Press:

(AUSTRIA to OLD RUSSIA) - Sorry to see you leave. Hope all is well with the family!

(RUSSIA to WORLD): I will vote yes to any draw. Standing policy.

(AUSTRIA to NEW RUSSIA) - CHARGE!!!!!!

(SOMEWHERE IN A FRENCH DAYDREAM):

I'd love to conquer Venice in the Summer when it's hot.

I'd love to conquer Venice in the Winter when it's not.

But soon after this springtime, in fact, when now it's Fall,

I'm rolling into Venice with no contest at all!

(SOMEWHERE ELSE IN ANOTHER FRENCH DAYDREAM):

Oh better far to live and die

Under this tri-color flag I fly!

Than play a sanctimonious part

With a scoundrel's soul and a Dipper's heart!

So I'll be true to the song I sing and live and die a Froggy King!

For I am the Froggy King!

And it is, it is, a glorious thing, to be the Froggy King!

(STILL ANOTHER FRENCH DAYDREAM):

In dreams I've seen the glory of the capture of Trieste

Troops trampling through the mountains as they march from the northwest

Shocked face of the Austrian as we call the place "New Brest"

The fleur-de-lis flies on!

(WINTHORP to VALENTINE) - Looking good Billy Ray.

(VALENTINE to WINTHORP) - Feeling good Louis.

(LE DUC to THE ARCHDUKE): Sorry, mon sieur, but I simply couldn't see passing up the riches of Trieste for a tantalizing but ephemeral feel good alliance between us after all this time. As you have stated, the Union Jack flies alongside the French tri-color, not the brave double eagle of the Hapsburg banner, which even now flutters across the battlefield on the foe's side of the line.

SPIRALS OF PARANOIA: 2005A, Regular Diplomacy

THAT'S IT, ANY LAST ENDGAME STATEMENTS ARE WELCOME

G.M.: Jim Burgess

Date Started: April 2005

Date Completed: July 2013

Notes: Two players in this game fell ill and had illness replacements. We dedicate the ending of this game to Terry Tallman and Buddy Tretick, and hope they both feel much better soon. I just sent Terry a get-well card, if anyone wants more details on his situation ask me or Eric Ozog.

The Players:

AUSTRIA: Paul Rauterberg (elim F08)

ENGLAND: Fred Wiedemeyer (elim F08)

FRANCE: Buddy Tretick (ill W08); Jim Tretick (draw W10)

GERMANY: Terry Tallman (ill F02); Eric Ozog (draw W10)

ITALY: Marvin Baker (res W01); Jeff O'Donnell (res F06) Doug Kent (elim F10)

RUSSIA: Matt Sundstrom (draw W10)

TURKEY: John Biehl (drop W08); Vince Lutterbie (elim F09)

SUPPLY CENTERS:

01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10

AUSTRIA: 4 6 7 7 5 3 2 0 - -

ENGLAND: 4 5 4 1 1 1 1 0 - -

FRANCE: 5 5 4 *6 6 7 7 8 9 9

GERMANY: 6 6 8 9 9 9 10 12 *14 14

ITALY: 4 4 4 3 2 3 4 4 3 0

RUSSIA: 6 5 4 4 5 5 *6 7 8 11

TURKEY: 3 3 3 4 6 6 4 3 0 -

Neutral: 2

* = Plays one short

E-Mail Addresses of the Participants

AUSTRIA: Paul Rauterberg, paul.rauterberg of att.net

ENGLAND: Fred Wiedemeyer, wiedem of telus.net or wiedem of shaw.ca

FRANCE: Buddy Tretick, 5023 Sewell's Pointe Way, Fredericksburg, VA 22407

FRANCE: Temporary Standby is Jim Tretick, jtretick of gmail.com

GERMANY: Terry Tallman, terryt of whidbey.net

GERMANY: Temporary Standby is Eric Ozog, ElfEric of Juno.com

ITALY: Doug Kent, dougray30 of yahoo.com

RUSSIA: Matt Sundstrom, mattandzoe of earthlink.net

TURKEY: Vince Lutterbie, melvin4852 of sbcglobal.net

LAST WORD: Come to TempleCon, February 7-9, 2014 here in Providence, RI!!!

THE ABYSSINIAN PRINCE #342

November 24, 2013

Jim Burgess, 664 Smith Street, Providence, RI 02908-4327 USA, (401)351-0287, jfburgess of gmail.com

E-MAIL/WEB ONLY ISSUE! PDF will be available on the website. We also are being reproduced in Eternal Sunshine.

Web Page Address: http://www.diplom.org/DipPouch/Postal/Zines/TAP/index.html

There is interest in a NEW regular Diplomacy game and a Breaking Away game. Sign up, let's see if we can get seven for Dip! The Breaking Away game is filled and we will get it started in the next issue, I've called for cards and rider names.

This issue continues the szine/subszine inversion. As most of you know, this thing began as a ßubszine" to Terry Tallman's North Sealth, West George, then became its own szine with a host of subszines. The subszines remaining will appear as sub-subszines to our new flipflopped home in Doug Kent's Eternal Sunshine. Doug's incessant nagging is not keeping us on schedule, but will make it so we will charge forward and finish the remaining games that I have in here. After that, we'll see how it goes and what I do next. I'd like to keep writing and doing some game GMing. You all should see first what I actually do.

For production, in addition to the HTML's of each separate product on the web page, I will also have a PDF that you can print of the entire subszine (including my famous handdrawn maps!). You can just print the maps if you like, but remember maps are for pikers anyway, you don't need no steenkin' maps, keep them up in your head where they belong.

General information about the mailing list is at: http://www.diplom.org/mailman/listinfo/tap You can sign up from there, or send E-Mails to: Tap-request of diplom.org; with the word `help' in the subject or body (don't include the quotes), and you will get back a message with instructions. You must know your password to change your options (including changing the password, itself) or to unsubscribe.

THE ABYSSINIAN PRINCE LETTERS SECTION

((For upcoming cons around the world: http://devel.diplom.org/Face/cons/index.php, but note that some of the Americans have stopped posting the tournaments there. Shame, shame, shame... The Diplomacy World deadline is coming up on January 1, 2014, please think about writing some articles for us, especially if you went to Tempest or Carnage, TempleCon is coming up second weekend in February, more shortly.))

DIPLOMACY WORLD CUP TOURNAMENT IS ONGOING - YOU CAN STILL JOIN!

This is the latest incarnation of this team based tournament. I am helping to lead the Nor'Easter team for people in the Northeast part of the United States. https://www.facebook.com/groups/123795024327261/ is the Facebook page for the event.

And you can sign up for the Tournament at: http://aqmn.asciiking.com/. Other US regional teams are the ones in the Pacific, Dixie, and Chicago. Its unique aspect, that is proving to be a bit distorting but in interesting ways, is its "solo only" feature. You advance from the preliminaries to the finals only by soloing, and then need solos in the finals against the other soloists. Though this started in January, it probably will be going on for at least two years, and there is PLENTY of time to jump in. As usual, for those who know me well, I screwed up my first game and allowed a solo to someone from team US. I still don't have a solo in over three decades, but maybe I can do it in my next game. Yes, in C-Diplo, you can easily throw games, and in this format you can do it. I wonder why people like to drop the levels of the game in this way. It fascinates me. But in the finals of this tournament, it shouldn't happen, should it?

So, really, come join, it is being operated on a web-assisted Judge platform that is really pretty easy to use. Ask me if you have any questions. There is about to be a huge uptick in games starting as September approaches in a few days. My game is waiting for more players to start, won't you come join me???

THE ABYSSINIAN PRINCE GAMES SECTION

I am continuing to note cut or failed support orders with a small "s" instead of a capital "S". This will make it easier on the E-Mailed version of the szine to see what happened, since the italics don't show there. The italics DO show on the web page just fine. Since I'm not postal mailing the szine any more, I've dropped back to just reporting the disguised E-Mail addresses. As someone notes, if you need some more contact information, go back to past issues or ask me.

Standby lists:

Mike Barno, Dick Martin, Brad Wilson, Jack McHugh, Glenn Petroski, Steve Emmert, Mark Kinney, Vince Lutterbie, Eric Brosius, Paul Rauterberg, Bob Osuch, Doug Kent, Sean O'Donnell, Heath Gardner, Paul Kenny, and Jeff O'Donnell stand by for regular Diplomacy. Let me know if you want on or off these lists, especially OFF given the new policies.

GAME OPENING INFORMATION

I'm going to start the game opening list over. Under the new regime, who wants to play?

DIPLOMACY: First off, another regular Diplomacy game is open. Spencer Sawyer, Doug Kent, Brad Wilson, Scott Allen, Don Williams, Heath Gardner leave us one short. I may start this game before the next issue if I can get the seventh.

BREAKING AWAY: See the game start below!!

THE PHIL REYNOLDS MEMORIAL: 2006B, Regular Diplomacy

THE DUE DATE FOR SPRING 1909 IS DECEMBER 21ST, 2013

Autumn and Winter 1908

AUSTRIA (Burgess): rem a rum; has f BUL(SC), a GAL, a BUD, f ION, a SER.

ENGLAND (James): bld f edi, a lvp; has f EDI, a LVP, f BAR, a LON, a DEN, a FIN, f NTH, f TYH, f SWE, a KIE, f NAP, f BER.

FRANCE (Williams): bld f mar, f bre, a par; has f MAR, f BRE, a PAR, a BUR, a VEN, f TUN, a MUN, f WES, a TRI.

ITALY (Crow): has a GRE.

RUSSIA (Gardner): R a ber-PRU; rem a stp, a sev; has a UKR, a WAR, a PRU, f SMY, a SIL, f AEG, f GOB.

E-Mail Addresses of the Participants

AUSTRIA: David Burgess, burgesscd of roadrunner.com or dburgess of glensfallshosp.org

ENGLAND: Drew James, kjames01 of twcny.rr.com or karelanddrew of gmail.com

FRANCE: Don Williams, wllmsfmly of earthlink.net or dwilliams of fontana.org ($5)

GERMANY: Marc Ellinger, mellinger of blitzbardgett.com

ITALY: John Crow, johnny.crow of hotmail.com

RUSSIA: Heath Gardner (aka Heath Davis-Gardner), heath.gardner of gmail.com

TURKEY: Fred Wiedemeyer, wiedem of telus.net or wiedem of shaw.ca

Game Notes:

1) We seem to be back on track here now.

Press:

(OLD FRANCE to NEW RUSSIA): I appreciate your willingness to vote for any draw, Tsar Gardner. Those draws including England and France, and only England and France, shall also meet with approval here in Paris. Prime Minister James is a poltroon and a scoundrel, but he is our poltroon and scoundrel.

(BOOB COMMENTS ON POLTROONS): How dare we call anyone a coward in Diplomacy. Where DOES our Frenchman get these words...

(LE DUC to THE ARCHDUKE): I understand your frustration over my march into New Brest, er, Trieste, really. Would it help at all to remind you that the Italians felt the same way when you stole Trieste from them last war?

(BOOB to THE LAST WAR): We always fight the last war, rather than this one!!!

(PARIS to LONDON): Well played, sir, well-played. May English wartime deeds and glorious endeavors be forever on the lips of heroes and school children everywhere. Insofar as they don’t include nefarious actions against her beloved French ally, of course. Then we’d have to declare you to really suck.

(DON to JOHN): We definitely need to set aside some time to talk.

(SWEET INNOCENCE to NAUGHTY NAUGHTY CHARLOTTE): The nuns are looking for you. Something about a seriously overdue spanking. Contact me for details. Or reservations... I'm easy.

(BOOB to SWEETIE): You are ANYTHING but easy...

(SOCRATES to JIM-BOB): Did it ever occur to her that she could bob for Jim? It's all in the naming of the thing...

(BOOB to SOCRATES): I'm sure many things have occurred to her. Naming is everything, I agree.

(RECYCLED RHYMER to GM): Play it, Jim. ((I sing, I sing, I sing for thee!)) You played it for her, you can play it for me ... If she can stand to listen to it, I can. Play it. ((I sing, I sing, I sing for thee!))

Eighteen Dots*

Some Dippers say a solo is hard to attain

I say it's easy, in a zero-sum game.

Grabbing each dot as if it was mine

I make sure to cross ev'ry stalemate line.

I'll grab eighteen dots - with no regret

'Cause I’m attackin' Russia and I ain't done yet

St. Petersburg is falling and I want more

I'll gobble up MOS and finish with WAR.

I just love to play England, Wicked Witch of the West!

Sailing fleets over borders when I’m playin' my best

And through the North Sea I can convoy the rest

Taking BEL and HOL and-a DEN and Brest...

It's just eighteen dots, an' I started with three,

Ain't hard to manage - just another fifteen!

Saint Petersburg first then it's on to the Med

Until that happens, though, I'll just play dead.

Look, my lips are moving, yeah - I'm lyin' a ton

Weasel-tongued words are just part of the fun.

I was taught well by Burgess –- yeah, I learned at his knee,

"To solo" he said, "just-a listen to me."

"You snatch eighteen dots, more if you can,

A little insurance is a part of the plan.

Make sure you snatch Tunis –- without it you’re toast!

Move fast, my boy or they'll stalemate that coast."

My blue blocks are sweepin', better move aside –-

My fleets and armies are an Indigo Tide!

By land and sea England's power will surge

I gotta try to solo - it's a powerful urge...

I'll grab eighteen dots with no regret.

Will I feel shameful? Well it ain't happened yet!

No blame or hate or guilt, now I can't wait...

I'll call my solo right here... in oh-eight...

*Sung to the tune of "Sixteen Tons" by T.E. Ford

SPIRALS OF PARANOIA: 2005A, Regular Diplomacy

THAT'S IT, ANY LAST ENDGAME STATEMENTS ARE WELCOME - ONE MORE CHANCE - THIS WAS A GOOD GAME, FEEL FREE TO MAKE ANY LAST COMMENTS

FOR THE MEKONS ET AL.: Breaking Away, Designer's Rules

NEW GAME START, GET ME YOUR RIDERS AND CARDS!!

Players are: Andy York, Rick Desper, David Burgess, Brendan Whyte, Andy Bate, and Hank Alme. Rules are at:

http://devel.diplom.org/DipPouch/Postal/Zines/TAP/Tinamou/rules/BreakingAway.htm

Game Notes:

1) The rules are on the TAP website in the Tinamou section. Ask if you have any questions. Send in your riders and their starting cards NOW!!! Your A rider can have three or four cards that need to add up to 30, your B rider three cards adding up to 25, your C rider three cards adding up to 20, and your D rider three cards adding up to 16. You also need to name your team, and can have a team captain if you want.

2) Keep in mind in choosing your initial cards the initial rules for overcrowding. First turn only - if at the end of the first turn (only), any square has 5 or more cyclists on it then the square in front is treated as if were blank for card replacement purposes.

3) The name of this new game is FOR THE MEKONS ET AL., actually a song by Will Oldham.

LAST WORD: Come to TempleCon, February 7-9, 2014 here in Providence, RI!!! This year it does NOT conflict with Super Bowl Sunday, so I hope we'll get more attendees, please consider coming!!! Check out http://www.templecon.org/14/ for more details of the venue. The TempleCon North American Grand Prix Diplomacy Tournament will again be the first of the four Nor'Easter events on the North American Diplomacy tournament circuit. Rounds will begin 6PM Friday, 9AM and 6PM Saturday, and 11AM Sunday. The ever-popular Detour scoring system will continue to be used, as well as central clock timing. Only the Sunday round will be played with time limits. Come play one round or all four!

Octopus’s Garden

Issue Eighty-Four

24th November 2013

Sub-editorial

HELLO, good evening and welcome to Octopus’s Garden, the subzeen with its very own waiting list for a 7 x 7 Gunboat Diplomacy tournament. It is still a subzeen to Jim Burgess’ The Abyssinian Prince, which is now a subzeen to Douglas Kent's Eternal Sunshine. It's produced by Peter Sullivan, peter@burdonvale.co.uk. It's also available on the web at: http://www.burdonvale.co.uk/octopus/.

___________________________________________________________________________________

Convention News

I booked myself a day membership for a flying visit to Midcon on the Saturday of the convention, driving down to Derby in the morning and then home again that night. But, after a rough night, I woke up feeling very off-colour (my drugs can go wonky at times) and decided 2.5 hours drive each way might not be such a good idea. So anyway, I hope that everyone who did actually make it to Midcon had a good time without me (*sniff*).

The next big event on the horizon is the 2014 World Dip Con, back at Dixiecon, in Chapel Hill, North Carolina, on the traditional Dixiecon dates of Memorial Day Weekend (23^rd to 25^th May 2014). This will be the third time that Dixiecon has hosted World Dip Con, having previously hosted in 1990 and 1998.

The rregistration fee is US$30 for the weekend as a whole, with dorm room accommodation available for US$30 a night sharing, or US$60 for a single. There will be four rounds of Diplomacy; Friday evening, Saturday daytime, Saturday evening and Sunday daytime.

One of the things that I like about Dixiecon is the fact that all rounds (except the last) are played without time limits, which means no premature draws, or players being cut off just short of a win. I tried this “bop 'till you drop” principle when I was tournament director at Manorcon one year. I personally thought it made for a much better tournament. And we ended up with an unprecedented 4 outright wins over the weekend. But it was unpopular with the players, so we went back to time limits the year after. Either American players are made of sterner stuff, or David Hood is less of a wimp than me.

For more information on the event, head on over to http://www.dixiecon.com/index.html or contact David Hood on DavidHood@dixiecon.com.

___________________________________________________________________________________

WAITING LISTS

7 x 7 Gunboat Diplomacy: Three signed up. (4 wanted)

___________________________________________________________________________________

That was Octopus's Garden #84, Startling Press production 371.

Diplomacy (Black Press – Permanent Opening in ES): Signed up: Paul Milewski, Arthur Shulman, Brad Wilson, Mark Firth, needs three more.

Gunboat 7x7 Tournament: In Peter Sullivan’s “Octopus’s Garden” subzine. 7x7’s always fill quickly, so email him to sign up now! Only 4 spots left!

Acquire: Can take up to six players. Will start when current game ends. Signed up: Hank Alme, can take up to five more.

By Popular Demand: New game starts this issue; back to the regular BPD instead of BAPD. Join at any time.

Eternal Sunshine Movie Quote Quiz: Join anytime.

Where in the World is Kendo Nagasaki?: Rules in ES #58. Join anytime!

Coming Soon?: 1898, African Diplomacy, Middle Eastern Diplomacy, Balkan Wars VI, Colonia VII-B. If you’re interested in one of these variants, or have a suggestion, let me know.

Standby List: HELP! I need standby players! – Current standby list: Richard Weiss, Jim Burgess (Dip only), Hank Alme, Martin Burgdorf, Paul Milewski (Dip only), Brad Wilson (including Woolworth), Chris Babcock, Marc Ellinger, Heath Gardner, Jack McHugh, and whoever I beg into it in an emergency.

Acquire – “Winterbloom”

Players: Tom Howell, Hank Alme, Per Westling, and Martin Burgdorf.

Turn 12

Per Westling: Per plays 10-G, merging Continental into Imperial.  Hank received $8,000 while Tom gets $4,000. Per trades 4 Continental for 2 Imperial. Tom sells 5 Continental. Hank trades 10 Continental for 5 Imperial and sells one Continental. Per buys 3 Imperial (the final 3 shares).

Martin Burgdorf: Swaps one tile and buys 3 Tower.

Tom Howell: Plays 8-A and buys 3 Tower.

Hank Alme: Plays 1-H and buys 3 Tower.

Per Westling: Plays 1-F. Buys 3 Tower.

Turn Order for Turn 13: Martin Burgdorf, Tom Howell, Hank Alme, Per Westling, Martin Burgdorf

Deadline for Turn 13 is December 29th at 7pm my time.

Diplomacy “Dulcinea” 2008C, F 26

Austria (Martin Burgdorf – martin_burgdorf “of” hotmail.com): A Belgium Supports A Ruhr,

A Finland - Norway (*Fails*), F Gascony Supports A Picardy – Brest, A Paris Supports A Picardy – Brest,

A Picardy - Brest (*Fails*), A Ruhr Supports A Silesia – Munich, A Silesia - Munich (*Bounce*),

A St Petersburg Supports A Finland - Norway (*Dislodged*, retreat to Moscow or OTB).

England (Hank Alme – almehj “of” alumni.rice.edu): F Barents Sea Supports A Edinburgh – Norway,

A Berlin - Munich (*Bounce*), A Brest Hold, A Edinburgh – Norway, A Holland Supports F Kiel,

F Kiel Supports A Holland, F North Sea Convoys A Edinburgh – Norway, A Norway - St Petersburg,

A Sweden - Finland (*Fails*).

Turkey (Jim Burgess – jfburgess “of” gmail.com): A Armenia – Sevastopol,

A Bohemia Supports A Berlin – Munich, F English Channel Supports A Brest,

F Gulf of Bothnia Supports A Norway - St Petersburg, F Ionian Sea - Tyrrhenian Sea,

F Mid-Atlantic Ocean Supports A Brest, A Munich – Burgundy, F Piedmont - Marseilles (*Bounce*),

A Rumania – Galicia, A Serbia – Trieste, F Sevastopol - Black Sea, F Spain(sc) - Marseilles (*Bounce*),

F Trieste - Adriatic Sea, A Ukraine – Warsaw, F Venice Supports A Serbia – Trieste, A Warsaw – Livonia.

W 26/S 27 Deadline is December 30^th at 7:00am my time

Supply Center Chart

Austria: Belgium, Budapest, Marseilles, Moscow, Paris, Vienna=6, Remove 1 or 2

England: Berlin, Brest, Denmark, Edinburgh, Holland, Kiel, Liverpool, London,

Norway, St Petersburg, Sweden=11, Build 2

Turkey: Ankara, Bulgaria, Constantinople, Greece, Munich, Naples, Portugal, Rome, Rumania, Serbia,

Sevastopol, Smyrna, Spain, Trieste, Tunis, Venice, Warsaw=17, Build 1

PRESS

(JIM-BOB to HANK): No, let's wait, that fleet will survive one more year.

(SULTAN to THE EMPEROR): Sorry, it would be up to you, I suppose you could propose a two way draw if you wanted to. Then we'd have to decide if we would vote for it. You seem to be forgetting our discussion when you entered the game. But that's OK, your choice. I'm really not trying to convince you of anything.

“Dulcinea” Diplomacy Bourse

Billy Ray Valentine: Probably in his limousine.

Duke of York: Sells 500 Piastres. Buys 866 Pounds.

Smaug the Dragon: Snore.

Rothschild: Sells 500 Pounds. Buys 289 Piastres.

Baron Wuffet: Zip.

Wooden Nickel Enterprises: Still carving on 50 Pound notes.

VAIONT Enterprises: Resting his eyes.

Insider Trading LLC: Grand Jury hearing.

Bourse Master: Stands pat.

PRESS

(DUKE OF YORK to MARKET MAKER GM): I think I need to churn some more to get to 10,000 units of currency, just to be sure.

(DUKE OF YORK to ROTHSCHILD): I expect my next comment will be the appropriate answer to whatever you just said....

(DUKE OF YORK to ROTHSCHILD): So very sorry....

Rothschild to the Duke of Earl: Maybe I do not understand anything, but at least I am in second place.

Next Bourse Deadline is December 29th at 7:00pm my time

Diplomacy “Jerusalem” 2012A, S 08

Austria (Melinda Holley – genea5613 “of” aol.com): A Trieste – Venice, A Vienna - Tyrolia.

England (John Biehl – jerbil “of” shaw.ca): F Baltic Sea Supports A Denmark – Kiel,

A Belgium - Burgundy (*Fails*), A Denmark – Kiel, F English Channel Convoys A London – Brest,

A Holland – Ruhr, A London – Brest, F Mid-Atlantic Ocean Supports A London – Brest,

F North Atlantic Ocean Hold, F North Sea - Helgoland Bight, F Portugal Supports A Spain, A Spain Hold,

F St Petersburg(nc) Hold.

Germany (Heath Gardner - heath.gardner “of” gmail.com): A Berlin Hold, A Burgundy – Paris,

A Gascony - Brest (*Fails*).

Italy (Mark Firth – mark.r.firth “of” capita.co.uk): F Gulf of Lyon Supports A Marseilles,

F Ionian Sea - Adriatic Sea, A Marseilles Supports A Munich – Burgundy, A Munich – Burgundy,

F Tunis Supports F Tyrrhenian Sea - Western Mediterranean, F Tyrrhenian Sea - Western Mediterranean.

Russia (Richard Weiss – richardweiss “of” higherquality.com): A Moscow Supports A Sevastopol,

A Sevastopol Hold, A Warsaw Supports A Berlin - Silesia (*Void*).

Turkey (Geoff Kemp - ggeoff510 “of” aol.com): F Aegean Sea Hold, F Black Sea Hold,

A Bohemia Supports A Munich (*Ordered to Move*), A Galicia Supports A Silesia, A Rumania Supports A Galicia,

A Silesia Supports A Berlin, F Tuscany Hold, A Tyrolia - Piedmont.

All Draw Proposals Fail

F 08 Deadline is December 30th at 7:00am my time

PRESS

London (Apr1,1908): A sensational report has been printed in the Times of London today. A Major 'Teddy' Underhill of Army Intelligence has claimed that the famous Dr. Frankenstein has created an army of Austrian

'Undead'. Major Underhill claims that he has seen these ghouls while on a secret mission to Vienna. Unnamed sources assert that there is also some mysterious, mystic eastern (read Ottoman) connection to this matter.

Diplomacy “Walkerdine” 2012D, S 04

Austria (paul.milewski “of” hotmail.com): A Trieste – Budapest, A Vienna - Budapest (*Disbanded*).

England (Marc Ellinger - mellinger “of” bbdlc.com): F Barents Sea Supports A Finland - St Petersburg,

A Finland - St Petersburg, A London – Norway, F North Sea Convoys A London – Norway,

A St Petersburg – Livonia, F Sweden - Finland.

France (Jim Burgess – jfburgess “of” gmail.com): A Belgium - Picardy (*Bounce*),

F Brest - Picardy (*Bounce*), A Piedmont – Tyrolia, F Tunis - Ionian Sea (*Fails*), F Tuscany – Rome,

F Tyrrhenian Sea Supports F Tuscany – Rome, F Western Mediterranean Supports F Tyrrhenian Sea.

Germany (Steve Cooley – tmssteve “of” gmail.com): F Baltic Sea Supports F Denmark – Sweden,

F Denmark – Sweden, A Munich – Bohemia, A Prussia – Warsaw, A Silesia Supports A Prussia – Warsaw,

A Venice Supports F Tuscany - Rome.

Italy (Harold Zarr - skip1955 “of” hotmail.com): F Naples Supports A Rome,

A Rome Supports F Naples (*Disbanded*).

Russia (Hank Alme – almehj “of” alumni.rice.edu): A Budapest – Vienna,

F Gulf of Bothnia Supports F Denmark – Sweden, F Ionian Sea - Adriatic Sea, A Rumania – Ukraine,

A Warsaw - Moscow.

Turkey(Chris Babcock - cbabcock “of” asciiking.com): F Aegean Sea - Ionian Sea,

F Apulia Supports F Aegean Sea - Ionian Sea, A Galicia Supports A Budapest – Vienna,

F Greece Supports F Aegean Sea - Ionian Sea, A Serbia – Trieste, F Smyrna - Aegean Sea.

Deadline for F 04 Will Be December 30^th at 7am My Time

PRESS

None. You guys suck.

Black Press Gunboat, “Fred Noonan”, 2013Arb32, W 04/S 05

England: Disband F Liverpool.. F Edinburgh Hold, F London Hold.

France: NMR! Plays 1 short.. A Burgundy Hold, F English Channel Hold, F Irish Sea Hold, F Liverpool Hold,

A Picardy Hold.

Germany: Remove F Denmark.. A Belgium Hold, A Berlin Supports A Holland – Kiel, A Holland – Kiel,

F North Sea – Norway, F Skagerrak Supports F North Sea – Norway, F Sweden Supports F North Sea - Norway.

Italy: Build A Venice.. F Adriatic Sea Supports F Ionian Sea, A Budapest - Galicia (*Fails*),

A Galicia - Silesia (*Fails*), F Ionian Sea Hold, A Silesia - Prussia (*Bounce*), A Venice – Tyrolia,

A Vienna Supports A Budapest - Galicia (*Fails*).

Russia: Build A Warsaw.. A Finland - St Petersburg, A Munich - Kiel (*Fails*),

F Norway Supports F Edinburgh - North Sea (*Dislodged*, ret Barents Sea or Norwegian Sea or OTB),

A Ukraine - Warsaw (*Dislodged*, retreat to Moscow or OTB), A Warsaw - Prussia (*Bounce*).

Turkey: Build A Constantinople, F Smyrna.. A Armenia – Sevastopol,

F Black Sea Supports A Armenia – Sevastopol, A Constantinople – Bulgaria,

F Greece Supports F Smyrna - Aegean Sea, A Rumania Supports A Sevastopol – Ukraine,

A Serbia Supports A Rumania, A Sevastopol – Ukraine, F Smyrna - Aegean Sea.

Deadline for F 05 Will Be December 30^th at 7am My Time

PRESS

Rome-Constantinople: We're going north!

RUSSIA - TURKEY: Can you keep your promise and stop at Sev please. Italy is the more obvious rival surely.

RUSSIA - AUSTRIA: So long!

RUSSIA - GERMANY: Oh dear! Perhaps you'll be nicer next time?

RUSSIA - ITALY: Turkey's your main rival. Please avoid my centres or I'll have to annoy you!!

Diplomacy “Sweet Spot” 2013A, F 04

England (Harold Zarr - skip1955 “of” hotmail.com): NMR! Disband F North Sea.. A London Hold.

France (Melinda Holley – genea5613 “of” aol.com): A Edinburgh – Yorkshire, F English Channel – Belgium,

A Gascony - Spain (*Fails*), A Holland – Kiel, A Marseilles Supports A Gascony – Spain,

F Mid-Atlantic Ocean Supports A Gascony - Spain (*Cut*), F North Sea - Denmark (*Fails*),

A Ruhr Supports A Holland - Kiel.

Germany (Jack McHugh – jwmchughjr “of” gmail.com): A Belgium – Holland,

A Denmark Supports F Sweden (*Cut*), A Kiel Supports A Belgium - Holland (*Dislodged*,

retreat to Berlin or OTB), F Sweden Supports A Denmark (*Dislodged*,

retreat to Skagerrak or Gulf of Bothnia or Finland or OTB).

Italy (Heath Gardner - heath.gardner “of” gmail.com): A Bohemia – Munich,

F Gulf of Lyon Supports A Spain, F Ionian Sea Hold, F North Africa - Mid-Atlantic Ocean (*Fails*), A Spain Hold,

A Trieste – Budapest, A Tyrolia Supports A Bohemia – Munich, F Tyrrhenian Sea - Western Mediterranean.

Russia (Chris Babcock – cbabcock “of” asciiking.com ): Disband F Rumania.. F Baltic Sea – Sweden,

A Norway Supports F Baltic Sea – Sweden, A Silesia Supports A Bohemia – Munich, A Warsaw - Prussia.
Turkey (Larry Peery – peery “of” ix.netcom.com): F Aegean Sea - Ionian Sea (*Fails*), A Bulgaria Hold,

A Constantinople Hold, A Greece Hold, A Rumania – Galicia, A Serbia Hold.

Would Brad Wilson (fullfathomfive675 “of”gmail.com) please standby for England?

Deadline for W 04/S 05 Will Be December 30th at 7am My Time

Supply Center Chart

England: Liverpool, London=2, Build 1

France: Belgium, Brest, Edinburgh, Kiel, Marseilles, Paris, Portugal=7, Remove 1

Germany: Berlin, Denmark, Holland=3, Build 1 or Even or Remove 1

Italy: Budapest, Munich, Naples, Rome, Spain, Trieste, Tunis, Venice, Vienna=9, Build 1

Russia: Moscow, Norway, Rumania, Sevastopol, St Petersburg, Sweden, Warsaw=7, Build 3

Turkey: Ankara, Bulgaria, Constantinople, Greece, Serbia, Smyrna=6, Even

PRESS

(Versailles) - The Woman's bellows, screeches, and screams echoed throughout the palace.  Servants scattered and hid in dimly lit passageways.  French poodles trembled as they raced for safety.  French bulldogs anxiously trotted after the poodles (oh, and let's not go THERE, shall we?). 

An elderly pastry-maker grabbed the Woman's Aide by the arm and fearfully gasped, "Is is true?  The Italians have betrayed us?  Is that what makes HER so angry?" 

The Aide shrugged off the old man's hand.  "Yes, the Italians have betrayed us," he hissed.  "But that's not what she's having the Mother of all Kittens about." 

"Then what is it?"  The old man wrung his hands.  "What could be worse?"

The Aide snarled, "She angry because Sleepy Hollow was preempted by the World Series."

Every winged creature in the vicinity of Versailles took to the air at the sound of another otherworldly shriek.

Moscow to Berlin - Once upon a time you were worried that Russia would grow too fast. I bet you miss those days.

A TURKEY’S TAKE ON THANKSGIVING

“Not an easy read, but lots of food for thought”

By Larry Peery

My story may not rank up there with Art Buchwald’s classic 1952 column in The New York Herald Tribune, written while he was a correspondent based in Paris, seeking to explain Thanksgiving to the French; or Mark Bittman’s (He’s the Food Editor/Columnist for the NY Times) almost a classic “Everyone Eats There,” a story about the California Central Valley ---our greatest food resource, that appeared in last year’s NY Times, or Elaine Sciolino’s might be a classic someday “Thanksgiving Day, a la Francaise,” that appeared in last week’s NY Times; but you may want to consider setting this article aside and enjoying it after you’ve had your T-Day Feast! This is a story about a typical Dipper’s Thanksgiving told from a turkey’s peerispective by a Turk, or something like that.

The Setting: Gathered together at Chateau Peericelli,

Located in beautiful Livingston, California, where the scenic Highway 99, the not-so-polluted Merced River, and the Southern Pacific Railroad all meet 130 feet above sea level.

Located in the middle of California’s Central Valley (aka “Food Bowl to America,”) which is divided into two parts, the northern Sacramento Valley (north of the Sacramento River delta), and the southern San Joaquin Valley (from Bakersfield north to Sacramento).

Livingston, down the road from Merced (Gateway to Yosemite), Atwater (The Heart of Bombers’ Row) and just across the valley from Crows Landing (formerly an alternative landing strip with an 8,000 foot runway for the USN and NASA) is known for cheap poultry and cheap wine (e.g. rotgut).

Livingston and Merced County are a center of California’s agriculture industry, which produces some 13% of the nation’s food (and half of that comes from the Central Valley). Livingston’s largest businesses are agriculture-related. Among these are the largest poultry producer in the western United States (Foster Farms), and a dairy, Joseph Gallo (Yes, The Gallos of “rotgut fame”.), which owns the largest dairy herd in the United States. Just down the way The Chandlers of LA Times and Chinatown fame own the world’s largest almond groves, 10,000 acres worth). Ninety percent of the sweet potatoes grown west of the Rockies are grown and packed in and around Livingston. The sweet potatoes benefit from the sandy soil caused by the Merced River farmers say. Grapes are also widely farmed near Livingston for wines (Although Modesto is the center of the Gallo wine making empire most of the better grapes used in their wines are trucked in from Napa and Sonoma.), raisins, and table grapes. E & J Gallo Winery does operate a major grape-processing facility just outside the city (Most of the cheaper Gallo wines include a big percentage of doctored Thompson seedless grapes, the same grapes used for raisins and table grapes). Almond orchards are a common sight and family legend has it that old man Chandler when torn between selling his newspapers or his almond groves decided to keep the almond groves because, as he said “People don’t have to read newspapers, but they’ll always eat almonds.” Other crops are farmed in smaller quantities, including alfalfa, corn, soybeans, peaches, melons, and berries. Oh, and did I mention the turkeys? The Central Valley is home to Foster Farms and Zacky, both family owned operations, and the west’s largest poultry farmers.

The Guest List

Gathered together at Chateau Peericelli is a typical, just slightly dysfunctional Diplomacy family: seated at the head of the table on his dais is our host, Edi Birsan. Seated at the food of the table on her bias is our hostess, Melinda Holley. At Edi’s right is our guest of honor, affectionately known as “Whining Pig” Doug Kent. Gathered around the table are the players from “Sweet Spot:” Paul Milewski, Harold Zarr, Jack McHugh, and Chris Babcock; and from “Reasonland:” Andrew Leavy, Tim Haffey, Graham Wilson, Andy Bate, Brad Wilson, Professor Doctor Walter Buchanan, Nathan Deily, and “Ernie” Hakey III. Noticeably absent from the table are Heath Gardner, who is sitting at the childrens’ table dressed in full Indian costume, and Larry Peery (which explain the loud crashing sounds coming from the kitchen).

Pre-Dinner Conversation

Melinda: Well, what shall we talk about this year?

Edi: Since it’s Thanksgiving, let’s talk about turkey!

Doug: (whining) Why can’t we talk about pigs? I want to talk about pigs.

Edi: Pigs and pork are so last year. Remember the election? No, this year we’ll talk about turkey.

Ernie: Edi, don’t you mean Turkey?

Edi: NO! I mean turkey, as in what we’re going to be eating. OK, who wants to give us a run down on the latest turkey stats?

Brad: Oh, I can do that. No problem. The price of a typical T-Day dinner is down about 50 cents this year and that’s driven by the lower price of turkey. Here’s the run down or the turkey trot:

Albertsons’ (a major chain in the west): Honeysuckle White (47 cents a lb.), 12-22 lbs., frozen, Foster Farms (from California) ($1.27 a lb.), 12-22 lbs., fresh.

Ralph’s (a major chain in the west, part of Kroger): Jennie-O or Kroger (59 cents a lb.), 12-24 lbs, frozen; Jennie-O or Foster Farms ($1.39 a lb.), 12-22 lbs., fresh; Fresh Simple Truth Natural Turkey ($1.99 a lb.), no weight given, fresh.

Stater Brothers (a major regional chain in Southern California): Californian or Jennie-O (57 cents a lb.), 14-20 lbs., frozen, Butterball Premium (87 cents lb.), 12-20 lbs., frozen; Jennie-O ($1.39 a lb.), fresh; Zacky Farms (from California) ($1.69 lb.), 12-22 lbs., fresh.

Trader Joe’s (upscale national chain): Joe’s Brined, Fresh, Young (??), All Natural Turkeys ($1.99 lb.), 12-22 lbs., fresh (from CA, MN, or PA); add 50 cents a pound if you want the Rabbi’s blessing on it.

Andrew: Mazel tov!

Sprout’s (mid-level, pseudo-upper class regional chain in Southern California with farmers’ markets pretentions): All Natural Turkey ($1.49 lb.), 10-24 lbs., fresh.

Williams Sonoma (upper class foodie national chain): Willie Bird Fresh Pre-Brined Turkey ($6.42-$7.11 lb., plus shipping plus $15 delivery charge), 12-26 lbs., shipped partially frozen to arrive chilled, fresh. Williams Sonoma reports pre-selling 65,000 (that’s enough to fill five semis) which will ship by UPS beginning the Monday before Thanksgiving).

Edi: Thanks, Brad. Good job of cooking the numbers. Now, who wants to sum it all up?

Andy: That’s $805 million worth of turkey this year, of which 35% will be wasted. The Big Four poultry farmers produce more than half the turkeys sold each year. Tyson Foods, by the way, make $778 million profit last year. 254 million turkeys were produced last year. Americans eat about 15 pounds of turkey each per year, Canadians a bit less, and the French, the number three consumers of turkey, only eat about 4.5 pounds a year.

Ernie: Or to put it another way, that’s almost a THOUSAND dollars worth of turkey a year for every member of the Turkish Armed Forces! Wow!

Edi: OK, you can tell who did their homework. Catherine Rampell’s article in the NY Times, “Why Is Turkey Cheaper When Demand Is Higher?” was very good. And the big story this year was about the shortage of fresh turkeys from Butterball, and why they’re having problems fattening up their birds. Any thoughts?

Harold: I did a search on Google on “fresh Butterball turkeys in short supply” and came up with 95,600 hits.

Jack: Oh, I can beat that. I did a search on “butterball fat farms” and came up with 32,120,000 hits!!

Paul: Well, apparently Butterball didn’t have any problems with the turkeys they raised, slaughtered and then froze earlier in the year losing weight. It was only those they raised in the last few month and were planning to sell fresh that didn’t gain weight. Somebody’s suggested they changed their diet mix formula and that put the turkeys off their feed. So to speak.

Edi: Alright. Thanks everybody. Now that we’ve digested that, does anybody have an alternative to the traditional turkey dinner for us?

Professor Doctor Walter Buchanan: I do. Pulling a pocket flask out of his jacket pocket he sits it carefully on the table. I propose a liquid T-Day menu consisting of a bottle of Wild Turkey 101 proof per guest. At $19.99 a bottle its cheaper. Besides, there’s no cooking, no serving, and no dishes to wash! And for the non-alcohol drinkers serve them cranprune juice instead.

Edi: Very good. And here we are to celebrate another Thanksgiving or, as we call it here in Livingston…(looking out the window) Wait a minute! What’s that seagull doing sitting out on the fence?

Melinda: Why that’s Jonathan Livingston Seagull. I thought you invited him.

Edi: Oh, right. As I was saying….in Livingston we call it DipDotTaking Day. We have so much to be thankful for: A Great WDC, A Great DipCon, and an even Greater ObamaCareCon!

Melinda: Hush, no politics. Remember, you promised.

Edi: Yes, dear. OK, time for a toast. Standing, pouring from a Nebuchadnezzar of Peericelli’s Sparking Cypher Juice. I propose “To all Dippers: past, present and future: May all your dots be mine!”

All: Here, here!

Edi: OK, Melinda: what’s for dinner?

Melinda: Looking from right to left and back again. Well, since so many of us are on a diet this year Chef Lorenzo and I decided a small-scale Thanksgiving dinner was in order. We’ll be having turkey cutlets with a Marsala sauce, risotto with mushrooms, wilted lettuce and a hint of fennel. To accompany the protein and starch, brussel sprouts roasted in olive oil, coarse salt and black pepper, and a flash of chili across the top.

Graham: What, no crackers?

Nathan: Does anybody know why Brussel sprouts cost more in Bruxelles than Brussels?

Silence.

Melinda: And for dessert, a lovely cranberry mouse.

Edi: Dear, don’t you mean a cranberry mousse?

Melinda: No, I mean a cranberry mouse! You take a very fresh mouse, place it in a Champagne flute, smother it with raspberries, and drown it in Champagne. It’s lovely. Hmmm, that reminds me, Heath, did you, Foster and Zach catch enough mice this morning.

Heath: Looking up from the game of Three Blind Mice being played at the kids’ table, yes, ma’am.

Melinda: For those who aren’t worried about calories but still looking for something healthy, Chef Lorenzo has prepared his signature dish, Turkey Roulades Byzantine. which consists of a thin slice of turkey breast topped with a thin slice of cheese (Swiss, Mozzarella, or English white cheddar work well), topped with three pieces of steamed asparagus or a quarter of a broccoli stalk.

Whining Doug: But where’s the pork?

Melinda: Oh, yes, sprinkle a few bits of crisp bacon on top. And then roll it all up. Use a circular ribbon cut from a red and or green pepper to hold it all in place. For extra oomph serve on a crepe and drizzle with a béchamel sauce. Wild rice on the side or a whole-grain stuffing with apples, sausage and pecans completes the plate. Dessert is a pumpkin ice cream with ginger snaps.

Melinda: Dig in, everybody!

Chomp, chomp, slurp, slurp, munch, munch….

Edi: Hmmmmmmmm, dear, the turkey tastes a bit different this year. Did you do anything differently in prepping it?

Melinda: Well, I did butter the balls after I dressed it instead of before as I did last year.

Edi: But Melinda, I’ve told you at least a dozen times turkeys don’t have balls --- at least not where you can butter them. They’re inside the abdomen near the spinal column.

Melinda: Oh, well. Did you notice how good the basting liquid turned out? I used Mary Jane’s recipe of Absinthe and Hashish, with just a pinch of Maui Powie.

Harold: And what about the burqa? Do you think it worked better than a foil wrap or a paper bag?

Melinda: Definitely.

Tim: Lovely china. Is it Wedgwood?

Melinda: No, actually it’s Chinet.

Ernie: Did you all hear about the shortage of housing in Turkey? There’s a shortage of cottages for large and small Kurdish families in the southeast of Turkey.

Loud groans from around the table.

At that moment there was a loud crash as the kitchen door flew open and banged against the wall, sending a Norman Rockwell original, “My First Thanksgiving,” crashing to the floor.

Who stole the Wish Bone? Screamed a short, fat man dressed in a chef’s uniform as he waved a large chef’s knife menacingly.

Melinda: Calm down, Chef Lorenzo. I’m sure the wishbone is here somewhere in somebody’s roulade.

Chef Lorenzo: No, not the wishbone, The Wish Bone! I need it for the dressing. I ordered a case of it and I can’t find any of it. You? You?? You??? YOU!!!! Glaring at Heath, trying to hide behind the kid’s table. You took it, didn’t you?

Heath: Yes, Chef. We needed something for bait for the mouse traps and the Wish Bone French Dressing worked just fine when we smeared it on a slice of apple.

Brad: Rising and yelling at the top of his lungs, You used French and not Italian Dressing? Sacre bleu!

Edi: Calm down everyone. I suggest we adjourn to the Hall of Stabs for a post-dinner coffee.

Ernie: Turkish coffee, I hope?

Edi: OK, but don’t you think you’re wired enough?

Taking Melinda by the arm, Edi leads the procession to the Hall of Stabs.

Edi: Now that everybody is seated. Since it is Thanksgiving and since we’ve already talked about turkey let’s continue on that leg and talk about Turkey

Ernie: But I don’t have anything left to say.

Nathan: Thank God.

Professor Doctor Walter Buchanan: Well, did you all know Akita is famous for rice farming and its sake breweries. It is well known for having the highest consumption of sake in Japan, as he pulls another flask out of his pocket. Akita is Livingston’s sister city in Japan, known for its rice farming and the highest rate of sake consumption in Japan.

Tim: Yes, and they drink sake out of china cups.

Andy: How can they be china cups if they’re Japanese?

Edi: Well, there have definitely been some changes in Turkey since last Thanksgiving. A year ago everyone was talking about Turkey as the new Great Power in the Eastern Mediterranean with influence everywhere: Syria, Iraq, and even Iran and Egypt were all listening to Turkey’s cackle. This year not so much.

Chris: Yeah, Egypt just tossed out the Turkish ambassador because the Turkish PM keeps dabbling in Egyptian internal politics.

Melinda: Imagine, a Turkey being persona non grata at Thanksgiving. How sad. Dabbling at her eyes.

Paul: Well, even the news from Tarsus is bad. Erdogan is feuding in public with Fethullah Gulen a leader of the Hizmet movement which is using its “prep” schools to train members to take over the country, at least according to Erdogan.

Harold: Yeah, Erdogan’s dream of a new Sunni axis of power ---with Turkey as an anchor, is going up in smoke. He’s even making nice to the two Shite powers, Iraq and Iran. The bottom line is “Arabs don’t want to be bossed around again by the Turks.” They had enough of that under the Ottomans.

Edi: Quite true.

Jack: And the Turks just punched NATO in the nose when it announced it was going to buy a Chinese made missile defense system. Strange for a country seeking to lock in long-term security to be pivoting away from its two year old pivot toward the United States.

Chris: Yeah, all those pivots are starting to look like whirling dervishes

Andrew: What I want to know is, “In Turkey, can Islam and democracy coexist?”

Tim: Sure, fanaticism, radicalism, western-style democracy and military intervention can all co exist. The Americans have done it for years.

Edi: Ahem.

Graham: But don’t the Kemalists see their secularist legacy under threat?

Andy: Erdogan is playing the Great Game, “He’s giving a little more economic freedom; and taking away a lot more religious and political freedom; and hoping nobody will notice --- or say anything if they do.” Give ‘em a shopping center on one hand, take away a park on the other. Build thousands of new mosques. Stop building schools. It’s a brilliant plan, as long as it works.

Brad: Isn’t the whole area a tinderbox? It’s just waiting to explode.

Nathan: Yeah, first the Turks invite NATO to send batteries of Patriot missiles to their southern border to protect them against missiles coming from Syria or Iraq. Then they announce they’re going to buy a Chinese SAM system. Then they find out the Chinese system won’t inter-face with the NATO system, so they decide to extend the bidding process. Oh, and they invite NATO to keep its missiles in Turkey for another year. In the meantime Meanwhile, the largest NATO-USA-Turkey war games in years has been going on off the Syrian coastline with not a bit of western media coverage.

Ernie: I read that Israel has moved one of its nuclear armed Dolphin missile subs out of the Mediterranean to the Red Sea/Persian Gulf/Arabian Sea area; and Iran has moved a sub escorted fleet to India and Sri Lanka on a “friendly” visit. Friendly to who, I wonder?

Paul: Remember those 900 Abrams tanks the USA gave Turkey when they pulled out of Germany? Well, they’re getting old. Turkey needs new tanks, but they want to build them themselves. Of course they don’t have the high-tech skills to build them but they plan to beg, borrow, steal or buy (as a last resort) needed technologies from other Powers and assemble them all into a domestic tank called the Altay. The only catch is the president of the lead contractor is currently having a very public feud with Erdogan. That’s the same Erdogan who just cancelled a contract with another company he’s feuding with. And there goes Turkey’s new navy corvette down the drain.

Melinda: Well, at least some things in Turkey aren’t changing. The Turks and Australians are in a row over the number of Australian tourists that will be allowed to attend next year’s centenary of the Gallipoli landing ceremonies. This all came about because an Australian politician called on the Government to reaffirm a 1997 motion condemning the genocide against the Armenians by the Ottomans from 1915-1922. The Turks got mad and cut the number of tourists (for safety reasons) that would be allowed into Turkey for ANZAC Day celebrations next year.

Jack: But there is a bit of good news. The Marmaray project is on its way. The first major part of the project, a $4.5 billion, 8.5 mile rail tunnel 200 feet below the Bosporus is open, amid debate over safety issues, but open just the same. It took ten years, but they gone it done. Next up, a new major airport to rival the one Dubai is building; and a canal that will divert traffic between the Aegean and Black Sea behind Istanbul, entirely bypassing the city.

Melinda: Since it is Thanksgiving; did anybody hear anything about The Butterballs Affair in Turkey? Rush Limbaugh was talking about it the other day but every time it got interesting my car radio would go into its static mode on me.

Deathly silence.

Heath: I know, I know! The Turkish armed forces don’t need a big conscripted army any more so they are cutting the time draftees serve. Apparently young men in Turkey who regard the military as an easy career are upset, and in protest dozens of them have committed acts of self-castration. That’s why they call it The Butterballs Affair.

Melinda: Oh. Well, look at the bright side of it. If they can’t make it in the military they can always become castrati singers.

Edi: And on that happy, high note we’ll bring this special Thanksgiving report from Chateau Peericelli in beautiful Livingston, California to an end. Happy Thanksgiving!

All: GOOBLE, GOBBLE!

Woolworth II-D “Coney Island” 2013Bcb19, F 04

Game Delayed Due to Incorrect GM Assurance

I told one player that I had his orders on file already. I did NOT have them. But since I assured him I did, I have to take some blame and hold the game over one issue. All moves and press on file will be used next issue unless you update them.

New Deadline for F 04 is December 30th at 7am My Time

By Almost Popular Demand

The goal is to pick something that fits the category and will be the a popular answer but NOT the "most popular" answer. You score points based on the number of entries that match yours. For example, if the category is "Cats" and the responses were 7 for Persian, 3 for Calico and 1 for Siamese, everyone who said Persian would get 7 points, Calico 3 and the lone Siamese would score 1 point. However, if your answer is the most popular answer, you score ZERO. The cumulative total over 10 rounds will determine the overall winner. Anyone may enter at any point, starting with an equivalent point total of the lowest cumulative score from the previous round. If a person misses a round, they'll receive the minimum score from the round added to their cumulative total. In each round you may specify one of your answers as your Joker answer. Your score for this answer will be doubled. In other words, if you apply your Joker to category 3 on a given turn, and 4 other people give the same answer as you, you get 10 points instead of 5. Players who fail to submit a Joker for any specific turn will have their Joker automatically applied to the first category. And, if you want to submit some commentary with your answers, feel free to. The game will consist of 10 rounds, and the score is doubled for Round 10. A prize will be awarded to the winner. Research is permitted!

Round 10 Categories – Double Points – All Monty Python

1. A cheese mentioned in the Cheese Shop sketch.

2. A Knight shown or mentioned in the Holy Grail film.

3. A real person’s name associated with Monty Python who is NOT a member of the Monty Python troupe.

4. One of the types of fresh fruit shown or “done already” in the Self Defense sketch.

5. A musical number from any of the Monty Python LP’s and CD’s (whether or not it appeared in a film or in an episode).

Selected Comments By Category

Cheese – Andy Bate “Hmm, to look the sketch up or not? After all, we won't lose any marks for suggesting a cheese that isn't in the sketch, unless we all pick the same cheese, of course. “ Brendan Whyte “I actually asked for this at "The Cheese Shop" in Wholefoods, Austin” Jim Burgess “Wensleydale is THE best cheese in the skit, bar none. So, we could lose on that, but who cares?”

Knight – Andy Bate “So, do the Knights That Say Ni count? Will everyone else go for them?”

Non-Troupe – Dane Maslen “The third category had me very puzzled as no answers came to mind whatsoever. After reading the Wikipedia article I'm left wondering whether other players will go for someone associated with the production of the show (e.g. Ian MacNaughton) or perhaps a philosopher. I've opted for the latter.” Jim Burgess “Neil Innes is a great risk since he might be the most popular choice, but I don't care, I choose him anyway. The Bonzo Dog Doo Dah Band is one of the great comedic endeavors of all time.”

Fruit – Jim Burgess “I think bananas are just funny, also could be the most popular choice.”

Musical Number – Andy Bate “So, will Always Look... be the most popular by miles, or will we all avoid it? Me? I think I'll have to vote for Every Sperm Is Sacred.” Brendan Whyte “My favourite is Sit on my Face.” Hank Alme “Inflammation of the foreskin/Reminds me of your smile..."

Congrats to Jim Burgess, who (with the double turn score) managed a high of 40 points…JUST enough NOT to catch Dick Martin. Heath Gardner scores a sad 4, which also helps punish the multitude of NMRing players in this final round. We now return to normal BPD.

I’ll be in touch with Dick Martin about his prize for winning.

New Gamestart - By Popular Demand

The goal is to pick something that fits the category and will be the "most popular" answer. You score points based on the number of entries that match yours. For example, if the category is "Cats" and the responses were 7 for Persian, 3 for Calico and 1 for Siamese, everyone who said Persian would get 7 points, Calico 3 and the lone Siamese would score 1 point. The cumulative total over 10 rounds will determine the overall winner. Anyone may enter at any point, starting with an equivalent point total of the lowest cumulative score from the previous round. If a person misses a round, they'll receive the minimum score from the round added to their cumulative total. In each round you may specify one of your answers as your Joker answer. Your score for this answer will be doubled. In other words, if you apply your Joker to category 3 on a given turn, and 4 other people give the same answer as you, you get 10 points instead of 5. Players who fail to submit a Joker for any specific turn will have their Joker automatically applied to the first category. And, if you want to submit some commentary with your answers, feel free to. The game will consist of 10 rounds, with the 10^th round being worth double points. A prize will be awarded to the winner. Research is permitted, but cooperation or collusion between players is not!

Round 1 Categories

1. A specific denomination within Christianity.

2. Any Tolkien character other than Galdalf.

3. Any character from the “Dune” series other than Paul/Maud’Dib.

4. A former of current performer on Saturday Night Live.

5. A city in Germany other than Berlin.

Deadline for Round 1 is December 30th at 7:00am my time

Round 5

There are ten rounds of movie quotes, and each round consists of ten quotes. Identify the film each quote is from. Anyone may enter at any point. If you want to submit some commentary with your answers, feel free to. The game will consist of 10 rounds. A prize will be awarded to the winner – and it might be a very good prize! Research is not permitted! That means NO RESEARCH OF ANY KIND, not just no searches for the quotes themselves. The only legal “research” is watching movies to try and locate the scenes. I RESERVE THE RIGHT TO DISQUALIFY ANY PLAYER I BELIEVE IS CHEATING. I ALSO RESERVE THE RIGHT TO CHANGE THE QUOTES SLIGHTLY (ALTHOUGH SOMETIMES I DO A FEW FROM MEMORY SO THEY COULD BE OFF ANYWAY). Each round will also contain one bonus question, asking what the ten movies being quoted have in common. The player with the most correct answers each round gets 3 points, 2^nd place gets 2 points, and 3^rd place gets 1 point. In the event of ties, multiple players get the points (if three players tie for first, they EACH get 3 points). High score at the end of ten rounds wins the game, and a prize (unless you cheated). If there’s enough participation I may give a prize for 2^nd and maybe even 3^rd place overall too. The final round will be worth double points.

1. When have I ever complained about you setting fire to my rooms? Sherlock Holmes. Correct – HA. Iron Man 2 – JB.

2. I wonder what's got into Oscar. Does he smell another bitch on you? One Night Stand. Platoon – JB.

3. Mickey and Mallory know the difference between right and wrong; they just don't give a damn. Natural Born Killers. Correct – JB.

4. Well, you're fucked up, you look like shit, but hey no problem, all you need is a better cut of cocaine. Less Than Zero. Short Cuts – JB.

5. Doesn't it bother you that people call you retard? Zodiac. My Idiot Brother – AL. Slingblade – HA. Whatever Happened to Gilbert Grape? – AY. Sherlock Holmes – JB.

6. Funny thing, Freddie; every time you light a cigarette for me, I know you're lying. Good Night and Good Luck. World Trade Center – JB.

7. It's good to be God. I love you. Gothika. Bruce Almighty – AY. Wall Street – JB.

8. You know what you almost never see? Somebody heckling a diver. Back to School. Correct – KW, AY. Iron Man – JB.

9. Remember that game, Barrel of Monkeys? This is how it is, we got to catch all the monkeys! Iron Man 3. Correct – KW, JB. 12 Monkeys – AL.

10. No offense ma'am, but it's always appeared to me your Dad's a few beers shy of a six-pack. The Gingerbread Man. Born on the 4^th of July – JB.

Bonus – What do these films all have in common? All feature Robert Downey, Jr. Correct – KW, JB. All Feature Bruce Willis – AL.

Score This Round: Jim Burgess [JB] – 3; Kevin Wilson [KW] – 3; Hank Alme [HA] – 1; Andy York [AY] – 1; Andy Lischett [AL] - 0.

Points So Far: Jim Burgess [JB] – 12; Kevin Wilson [KW] – 10; Rick Desper [RD] – 8; Andy Lischett [AL] – 5; Hank Alme [HA] – 5; Andy York [AY] – 5; Jack Mcugh [JM] – 4; Paraic Reddington [PR] – 2.

Round 6

1. You're sad enough; you're beautiful. Let's have sex.

2. Ever since the dark days before Pearl Harbor, I have been proud to wear this uniform.

3. Everything you do irritates me. And when you're not here, the things I know you're going to do when you come in irritate me.

4. I could lay under you, eat fried chicken and do a crossword puzzle at the same time. That's how much you bother me!

5. Excuse me for not knowing about El Salvador. Like I'm ever going to Spain anyway.

6. You look at bodies all the time in Philadelphia. Why can't you look at this one?

7. His emotions must rule his brain! He must be a warlike creature who gives battle to everything around him, even himself.

8. Sometimes you have to show a little skin. This reminds boys of being naked, and then they think of sex.

9. My whole life is have to!

10. I was born 2437 years ago. In that time I've had three wives.

Bonus – What do these films all have in common?

Deadline for Round 6 is December 30th at 7:00am my time

General Deadline for the Next Issue of Eternal Sunshine: December 30th, 2013 at 7:00am my time. That is a MONDAY!! See You Then!